Killer

I lay supine and I pine for you
I lay quiet in the dark room
And I touch my shadow on the wall
Cold and flat, alone
In the only light from my laptop
I touch my lips absentmindedly
And the smiles that were there
Are ghosts now
And the tears that roll down
Carry drowned memories in them
Breaking apart on fabric
And I knew from the start
That you'd cause me heartache
But my palms are still facing down
As I type, as I give you more
Than I should, like always
But I didn't mind
And I don't know why
My heart is open to you
But you tear it apart
As your paranoia cuffs my hands
And you accuse me of things
Like you've never known me
But you tell me to come to you
And I do, obediently,
And as I sob painfully into your chest
You press me into you, smothering,
Until I stop moving
And you lay me down gently,
Supine on the ground
And I'm still pining.

Mis-loved

I gave you everything
And yet you pushed me out
In front and fed me to the bullets
They ate through my heart
I looked through the holes
And saw your face.

FEEL

My entry for the writing contest at my school. I didn't win, but I'm proud of it and I've been wanting to post it for the longest time, so here it is.

Part I: Fear

Earthquit

Our feet are tickling the Earth
It laughs
The ground rumbles
And it cracks an earthy smile
So wide
It swallows the people
Whole
Trying to make the tickling go away

There is screaming
We are running
There is Death looking
Thinking it all alluring

A man with a lit cigarette
Walks over to the abyss,
Amidst the chaos,
Smokes and cell phone vibrations,
He looks down
Into the dark
Nonchalantly,
Shrugs,
Tosses his cigarette in
And walks away.

*

Lightless

When darkness
Overpowers light,
There are no colours,
Only pixels of black and white
That map out
Its silent steps
In this half of the world,
Rendering familiar things
Unfamiliar
And my eyes surrender
To its forces,
Scrutinizing and trying
To see the dark fingers
Curled around the trigger
Of the gun aiming at me
Straight in the pupil,
And I close my eyes
And wait out, wait for
The morning light,
Every night.

*

Human

I sat beneath the shower head,
The steam fogging up the room,
A street in London,
That first splash of hot water
Reminds me I am human
My pain receptors still tingling
But I turn the tap
Higher and higher still
And I relish in its impact

The hot water lost its touch
And is now warm to the touch
I turn the shower tap
Incrementally more to the left
I need the heat, it's a need
But the hotter the water gets
The colder I become
I stretch my arms out
And up to catch the water

In hopes to retain its heat
But it just kept
Flowing out of my hands
I shook my head, and turned
And piled on the dosage,
I am not desensitized,
But the tap hit the end
The water, dead cold,
And I laugh hysterically.

*Note: This poem is familiar because I extracted its inspiration from another poem I have already written.

*

Garnish

You scooped out
Bits of my heart
With a melon scooper,
Such effort,
Heart disease,
And decorated the plate
With them,
Yes, it looks lovely,
But after dinner,
They are scraped
Into the trash
And forgotten

----

Part II: Ecstasy

Grapefruit

Your love is grapefruit juice
Of the purest kind
So bitter and sweet
Pungent
Agonizingly good
And I drink it all in
And shudder,
Satisfied.

*

Pupil

We moved towards one another

Until we stood an inch apart

The close I got

The more the darkness grew

In your eyes

I looked into them

And I saw

Cumulonimbus clouds

Gathering quickly

The thunder roared

The rain stormed

And I'm consumed.

*

Skin

My fingers tread your skin softly
And you respond slightly to my touch
I bring my face closer
To see the miniscule hairs on your body
I close my eyes
And smell the day on you
The multitudes of scents
And I can relive your day

I can smell your first effort of the morning
Your scent, the one that defines you
Tangible but ambiguous

I can see the blue sky that you walked beneath,
The sunlight sprayed across the paved sidewalk
And onto you

I can taste the coffee you drank
Dark and opaque and bitter
And my mind is stimulated

I can hear the words that you spoke
The letters that are strung together
That made up the timbre and depth of your voice

I hold onto you for balance
Your still body
As I traveled through your day
Wearing your skin
I pressed my cheek on your back
And listened to your heart reverberating
I stuck out my tongue and licked your skin
And I feel I've become part of you

----

Part III: Expression

Ink

I sought out sadness
And I found it in a dark alley
Sleeping in a pile of soggy, shredded boxes
I poked at it with my umbrella
It startled awake and whimpers
The dark-circled eyes staring up at me
Watery and red
The stare sends a wave of sorrow over me
I took out my knife
It shuts its eyes
Knowing already
What was to unfold
And I thrust the blade forward

A stream of black
Flowed down towards the sewers
Diluted by the falling rain
Making swirls and odd shapes
On the uneven ground
I stood up and closed my inkpot
And replaced it in my coat
Sadness still looked at me with those eyes
And thanked me for releasing its pain
I turned and walked away
But my heart aches every time
I write because I exploit sadness
For ink in my pen

*

Schizophrenic

My compass is needleless
So I find myself peripatetic
My mind, a mess
My heart, lethargic

I walk heavily on the pavement
Wondering if my feet will wear away
A layer of concrete and leave my moment,
My trace, for others who will walk this way

I see faces that I will forget
Smiles that radiate momentary happiness
I know that I should not fret
But how can you fight Time's bleakness?

There are so many things I do not understand
The dark motivations, thoughts of people
If Time is something we cannot withstand
Why must we fight and not make love ample?

I disappear amongst a crowd
And I misplaced my existence
Everything is loud
And I crave for silence

Suddenly I feel like I am floating on water
As the words surface
I do not know what will happen later
As this is only a short preface

I hear a soft beeping sound
That I cannot identify
And I found that I am bound
To a bed that I cannot defy

There are men and women with needles in white
They stare at me like I am an artifact
They reel me in like a kite
They say I have flown too far and cracked
They looked with pity at my sight
But I know the fact
They are trying to extinguish what my mind had ignite

----

Part IV: Love

Ineffable

We all have the potential to love recklessly
Painfully, deeply, passionately, fully
The list is not exhaustive
But the way to write of love is --
I can write you a Petrarchan sonnet
Or a Shakespearean one if you prefer
But it will not be enough
And I'm tortured by love's delight
And I finally know how a true friend feels
I finally know how a mother feels
And I finally know how Astrophil feels

Love has no synonyms
Love has empathy

-

My heart aches
As I left you,
As I walked on a street
With people
I felt so alone
But the echoes of the past
Of our laughter
Kept me company
And I smiled
To myself
Not caring
What other people thought
Because I know
Their thoughts
Don't matter
Only the one
I have now
Does
And amnesia won't
Dare touch
Because even to it,
It is too precious
To erase
My smile underwent
Metamorphosis
And changed into tears
At the new thought that
New memories with you
Will be hard to create
The withheld tears
Blurring my vision
But I never saw with such clarity
Of how I truly feel about you
Of how I love you
And our friendship

-

I can't say that I've always loved my life
I've thought of selfishly throwing it away
And giving up on any future
But you are always there in the background
That reprimanded me for having such thoughts
And held me back with your loving arms

I am the clay that you carefully made
That you have molded
And held my hand and taught me how to mold
So I can turn out the way I want myself to be
And though time drives a distance between us
I know I'll always have a part of you within me

-

I sat on your lap
We are face-to-face
In complete darkness
All we can hear are
Sounds of rain
And the light sounds
Of breathing

You held me close
I can feel heartbeats
Yours or mine
I could not discern
The light of a passing car
Came through the window
Behind you
Illuminating my face
And you told me
I was beautiful
But all I could stare at,
Was you

And at that moment
I felt it in my depth
There was a
Timelessness,
Or time slowed

I didn't know

But I felt it
I felt it

Completely
Utterly
Breathlessly
And I am
Simultaneously

Sensible
And senseless,

The rise
And the fall
Of your chest,

These collisions
Of contradictions,
Somehow pieced
Together
A sincerity,
Meaning,

An eternity.

*

Finis.

The inspiration behind this piece is, as the title suggests, feelings. The poem is divided up into four sections, each corresponding to the letters that make up the word "feel", and each having one less composite poem than the previous. It ends with love. Love, being the final point, the pinnacle, is itself divided into different types of love, from platonic, to familial, and finally with romantic (with some sexual undertones). I strung it together in such a way because I feel that love is almost always, the core, the life of poems.
P.S. The actual poem has different physical structures, spacing, and organization, which cannot be translated into the blogger post, much to my unamusement. For instance, the first composite poem has gaps in between phrases to represent the crack in the earth... in case you were interested in what I meant by structure.

The Reason

My life is a print machine
And you are the type.
The world is my type
And I produce papers and pages
Of emotions, of thoughts,
Pages and pages of life.
I’m the book I’m reading
And I inhale in the words and
The sunshine poured on the page
I breathe in air and jasmine
And the trees grow in my head
Their branches extending to my fingers
And leaves are falling like words
From my fingers, through my pen
And I feel haemophilic,
I’m bleeding ink and soul.
My heart beats in my ears
A tune that changes in its rhythm
Conforming to the mood I'm enveloped in
And I just want to run and run
Until I reach a cliff, then jump and fly,
Into your dark, ardent pupils
And I’m sinking into their darkness.
I open my eyes and saw beauty,
Laughter and curves of smiles,
And I’m comforted by the strength
Standing behind fragility that
Exists everywhere.
I want capture them all in my heart
As I listen and understand,
I feel I'm everything all at once,
My love, a fountain of ink, erupting
And as I inspire, I live.

Familiar? It's my old profile description...

Chewy

It's time to leave you behind
The cutest mouse one'll ever find
I'll keep you in my mind
Your red colour I'll pine
All those times we spent combined
Would fill more than a thousand lines
And I appreciate all you've done
All the clicks and games we've won
I love you a ton,
But it's time say goodbye
Because you're about to die
To say otherwise would be a lie,
But you'll always be mine.

Eulogy for my logitech wheel mouse, Chewy, 2007-2011,
Officially retired as of Dec.09th.
My first gaming mouse ever. I'll miss it. :(
My new mouse, a Razer Deathadder, was named Chewy Jr. in its honour.

Too Close to the Heart

You took a knife that you sharpened
And stabbed me in the back,
You did this repeatedly
Until I stopped moving,
You licked the blood off
Of the cold blade warmed
By the passion that made me alive.
You dragged my corpse
On the ground carelessly,
An old rag doll that you stole,
And threw me into
The cold, dark freezer
So you can thaw me
Whenever you need
Something to hurt.

Sadness & Joy

Your heart has a hole
And it is openly inviting
Wretched monsters in,
Your heart has a hole
And it carries tears you cried
When your love shot you,
The hole swallows you whole
And I am crying for you.

Your heart has a hole
Which I made bigger
So I can crawl into it
And curl up and sleep,
So that you may find
Comfort in me,
So that I may dream
And understand you.

The Boy

It has been over two thousand and five hundred
Days and miles between us,
And sometimes I'll look at your pictures
And read over the words we've written one another,
And I'll remember fondly and achingly
How I fell in love with you on a whim,
The first boy I ever truly loved,
The boy with the dashing looks,
The boy with the hidden talents,
The boy who had his troubles,
And I was there for all those things.
I thought of my bold and childish ways
I made you paper cranes with hidden wishes,
Went to your locker and tied ribbons there,
Asked you to drive me to morning band practice,
Did all those silly things to impress you,
And I've smiled and cried deeply because of you.
I'll never forget you and I wonder
If you think of me sometimes too,
The boy whose name was the first in my heart,
The boy who made me dream,
The boy who had no idea how much he means,
The boy who I will always love,
The boy who was admired by all,
But who chose me.

Nobody

Only through distance can you tell your worth
And I don't know mine, so I am leaving you behind
As I look back at the trail of clothes and skin
I find that I am reduced to nothing, nobody.

Necrosis

There is a hole in my being
Where horrid hands reach out
And grab me by my feet
Dragging me into its darkness,
I scream and struggle fervently
Digging my fingers into my skin
Drawing out streams of blood
But I sink even deeper,
Swallowed whole by the abyss
That was created by my own hands.

Rainstorm

The crumpled up wads of tissue papers
That have caught the incessant tears,
Resemble rolling clouds, heavy with rain

They are waiting overhead, ready to burst
And I lay on the ground that I have already watered
Motionless as the impatient clouds start to trickle

The steady drain of my sorrows blurs my vision
As the water pours from above, leaving me breathless
And I am half-drowning in this raging flood

Rain and tears are battling on my cheeks
As each new drop washes off the corpses
Onto the ground overflowing with graves,

Where no flowers will grow.

Albatross

I passed by a man with a noose around his neck
He was crying and pleading with unknown deities
But the moment we met eye to eye, he stopped,
His silence now crying pity for me as his neck snapped
And I continued on, my head hung solemnly

The lingering scent of happiness was fading
Along with my character and consciousness,
They were chased away by the remembrance
Of that deed with the best intentions turned rotten
And replaced with temporary joys and fleeting smiles

I startled awake at where my lifeless thoughts left off
Though they have already plagued my dreams
And I rehearsed them, amended them endlessly,
And I tossed and turned in agony of their impotence,
And I eventually opened my eyes to the welling of tears.

I am forgotten but I cannot forget
How the albatross pierced my heart
And was brutally drowned in my blood
And I feel it everyday, its weight
As I live with it upon my head,
Inside my heart, in limbo.

The Last Petal

The raindrops play the tick-tocks of the clock
And I'm yearning for the sun, but it is held hostage by the clouds
So here I am, rooted to the ground, patiently awaiting
For the light to lift me away from the melancholic hell

The sun eventually came and went away
The water wheel is still turning, but I have grown with time
And I open myself up to you, delicately and unassumingly,
But cruel winter has arrived unannounced and stolen the warmth,
And I succumb submissively to your cold absence,
Even as the last petal falls.

Despair

I am friendless, and walk this world alone
I have known delight, but only in its darkest tone
I tread softly, so I don't leave an imprint on the ground,
Make no sound, so I can't ever be found,
But someone always turns around
And in the dark night I wound, making hearts painfully pound.

I often watch the sun after the rainfall
Sitting on the wall, witnessing it all
Wishing its light, would release me from my watery sight
So I don't have to fight the night, and set me right
And teach me that, to have black is to have white,
But wish as I might, it's an unattainable height.

Once a bird flew into my hand
I grasped it joyfully, but it withered to sand
I do not start crying because I have always been crying
But I feel the ache nonetheless, deeply prying
And I remember the day I died
One of the many deaths I belied
She was a victim of my touch,
And to her, I may have given too much,
I held her in my arms
In hopes of keeping her from harms,
But she asked me tearfully,
And I replied resolutely,
"What is love?"

Downfall

You walk down the downtrodden path
And you wear the mud up to your knees
The splash marks like hands clawing
Up your legs, but you walk on unconcerned

You twirl the young spring leaves between your fingers
As you walk by the branches that reach out to you
The same way you twirled her hair absentmindedly,
The scent of jasmine playing in the air

You throw up into the air, the white petals you gathered
From the jasmines that you saw growing in the passing fields
And some float gently like feathers of a fallen bird,
Some are blown into the sky by the wind and became clouds

You breathe deeply and is reminded of her
You open up your book and found the lock of hair
That she had given to you, right next to the leaf
Of that bright spring morning, that you picked and pressed

The rain pours down, a meteor shower,
And you wish you were back in that memory you hold dear
And each step you take leaves a mark of you behind
As you walk up the road that leads to her life

You knock gently on the door of her house,
But the only response was silence
You turn the rusty door knob and stepped in,
And all you saw, was dark emptiness

You look down at the dusty floor
And saw the same footsteps that you had left
Years ago, walking out the door,
And next to it, fallen knees and water drops

You walk up the creaky stairs
Running your hands on the unpolished railing,
And you stood in the doorway of her room,
Soft and softly lighted

You sat on her bed, a once familiar place,
And you remember the words she said to you,
The only true words you've ever known,
And there are words in you that you wish you'd told her,

And it has taken you so long to get here,
And you wonder why you left in the first place
As you reach for the dress she left on the floor
You can still smell her presence in it,
And you smile into the fabric,
As you lie back on her bed and fall into eternal sleep.

Published: Nov. 12th, 2011.

Blindsided

I'm burning up all of my love
In order to shed you some light,
Yet all you see is darkness.

Published on Nov. 8th, 2011.

Graveyard

You got me tied to a chair
In a dark cold room
And you shine in my beaten-up face
A bright light that swallows up
All the truth that I hold,
My hands are clenched
Trying to grasp onto
Whatever conviction
That is left within me
As you try to strike fear into me,
Trying to rattle my soul,
But you can only get to my body.

My heart is a graveyard,
Where you bury your sadness,
Disappointments and victims
That you murdered
With your unforgiving hands,
And they haunt me like
The shadows that grow long
In daylight,
And amongst them,
There is one I am most afraid of,
My own dead spirit
Walking across the dead landscape.

Published Oct. 31, 2011.

My Heart

My heart is a big, gaping hole
A gateway for dead emotions
To travel through,
My blood veins, the River Styx,
Carrying these resigned feelings
To places to be forgotten.

My heart is Pandora's box, unopened,
Where darkness wants to be set free,
And it impatiently stomps on the chamber floor
Like rude drunkards that refuse to leave the bar
And little hope is in the corner,
Wanting to hide, wanting to disappear.

My heart is the mouth of a black hole,
A vacuum welcoming any type of guests in
They have no regard for the place in which they stay
Vandalizing and carving their names into the walls
And I sit there, trying to scrub it away, but I give up
Because in the end, it's all just a vacuous space.

My heart is an empty ship,
Carrying empty vessels,
Setting sail for destinations unknown,
And if it should sink,
It would make no difference
Because it carries no meaning,
And the newspaper refuses to print
The obituary of just one person
Lost at sea.

My heart is the bottom of a wishing well,
A collection of wishes, selfish or not,
That will never come true,
Because I am sewing it shut.
It should hurt, but I make no noise,
As I push the needle and thread
Through and through.

Published October 23, 2011.

Bracelet

I thread the bead through the string
I'm still smiling from the joke you told me
Careful not to let it fall out on the other end
You showed me the colours of your life
I picked up another bead of a different shade of red
And we spent hours immersed in adventures
And put in through the string
That I'll never forget for the rest of time
It slides down next to the first bead, snuggly,
You told me secrets and stories you've told no one else
And I repeat this pattern methodically,
I keep them safe inside
Until I achieve a strand of beads
With my own secrets and stories that you've learned
Fit for my own wrist, and I excitedly
I've cried and laughed in your presence
Cross the two ends through the final bead
And I am not afraid to show you who I am
Creating a unity, a collection of beads,
A collection of memories
That I wear with joy on my hand
We are pieced together,
Fitted and complete
And I think of you always,
As I look at my new bracelet adoringly.

Empathy

I tread softly around the room,
Turning off all the lights,
And when I got to the last one,
I closed my eyes,
The darkness descends upon me,
Like a candle snuffed out
You suffocate me with your silence
And I fall to the ground
Of this dark room,
One not unlike your heart.

I plead softly to your reason,
Hoping you'd hear my ardor,
But before I could say the last word,
You closed the door,
The light slowly fades away,
Like the ever familiar sunset
I am left crying for your pain
And you fall to the ground
Of this dark world,
One that I am living in too.

Love & Hate

I walk up to you
And unbutton my shirt
Dig my fingers into my skin
And tear it open.
I'm telling you,
That this is how I feel
Whenever you leave me
And you think I've abandoned you,
But do you see,
Do you see, how I bleed,
How my heart
Shakes in its chamber,
In pain and in fear
When you turn your back on me.
I open myself up to you,
Yet you refuse to understand
My love for you,
And so I take my hand
To my heart, ripped it out
And throw it to the ground.
This is how you make me feel.

Cancer

Your love is a cancer
And it's slowly taking a hold of me
Day by day, I'm weakened,
As you and everything about you,
Spread through my body,
Eating up my thoughts,
Finding residence in my heart,
And as I walk along the streets
Of my mind, I smile
At your endearing qualities,
I laugh, at your silly antics,
Ever so painfully delightful,
And strangers look on with concern,
As you possess me,
Body and soul.

The Missing Page

I tore pages from Petrarch's Il Canzoniere

And ate them to quell my sighs,
Because every thought of you
Arouses a strange wind
That blows the pages of my heart open
And scatters them across the floor,
I pick them up hurriedly,
For fear of you reading them.
As I collect the last page on the ground,
I find that I still have one missing,
I am frantically searching for it, but in the end,
My heart has surrendered this piece.
I stand there in the gentle wind,
Clinching the remaining bundle close to me,
And I sigh gently.

Onion

I inserted my sharp knife methodically
Into the onion sitting on the chopping board.
I sliced through both ends and peeled off its skin
Before I cut through its core.
The two halves split open like two hands coming apart,
White fluid seeps from the exposed layers of the flesh,
And my eyes are a mirror act, as tears fall uncontrollably.
I took my knife and continued cutting,
Cutting the onion from wedges to dices and small pieces.
And with my last chop, I thought about our love,
I placed the knife down gently and wept.

Left 4 Love

The sky was an unnatural gray with a tint of red,
Reflecting your decaying skin and all the recent blood shed,
I watched in unbearable horror as your head
Dipped down to your unmoving victim and you fed
And teared hungrily into her flesh, a mouthful of
Her heart, her blood covered your hands, a pair of red gloves.

I stood there, in the middle of the empty, glass-littered street,
Where smoke rose from buildings like arms in defeat,
And the overturned cars in lampposts were radiating heat,
Warming up the touches of winter's feet,
And though I was silent, there were sounds of absent screams
Ringing in my mind, enshrouding me like opaque steam.

I shivered and you caught my movement in the corner of your eye
You turned slowly and rose to your feet, and inside, I felt myself die,
I can never forget the moment you told me, I laughed thinking it was a joke, a lie,
And as the disease coursed through your body, we said our painful goodbye,
And I cried and cried and ran like you told me,
That you did not want me to see what you will be--

Come, your now apathetic eyes are whispering to me,
And I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, as if undersea,
You shuffled towards me, despite tripping over debris,
You reached out to touch me, but I uttered a soft plea,
I was afraid, but this time I will not flee,
For the sake of setting both you and I free.

I raised my arms shakily and pointed my gun,
Aimed for your head and you paused, stunned,
I stifled my cry, pulled the trigger, and suddenly, it was all done
I collapsed to the ground, becoming undone.
I looked over at your fallen body, forever dead, on the accumulating snow,
Crawled towards it and watched your blood flow with woe,

I hung my head and stared at your changed, yet familiar face,
Your opened eyes, a sorrow in them I wish I could erase,
Your blood-stained lips my fingers lightly traced,
The same blood that dotted my face which the gun displaced,
I placed my hand on your dead heart as the snowflakes fell,
The same bullet that went through you, went through me as well.

I stood up and beheld the cold sky stained red
I heaved a sigh and it materialized like the clouds overhead
I did not notice the tears on my cheek turning red as they thread
Over the blood that you have spread,
And I'll never forget the last words you said,
Your love, your smile, and with this, I look bravely ahead,
At the broken world for which you have bled.

Out

In medias res
In love
In trouble
In death
In purgatory
In hell
In pain
In time
Indifferent.

Blank

My life is a crumbling sandcastle,
The one you helped me build,
I watch, still and emotionless,
As your unforgiving waves come crashing,
Washing away all that I am,
Wiping away all my dear memories.

My heart stopped beating
The moment you walked away,
The doctors pronounced me dead, so
They carried out an autopsy on my heart
Hoping to find some secrets and answers,
But they gasp, finding it eerily empty and hollow.

And I don't know how to survive
When every time I fall apart,
You prevent me from piecing myself together
And I'm never whole anymore
And I become even more fragile, for
I am drained of any passion or love.

I'm kneeling on the floor, my vision a blur,
As I hold the pieces of my life in my hands,
I'm trying to put it back together,
But my tears dilute the glue, and it's all a mess,
I close my eyes and emit a soulless sigh,
And I feel nothing at all.

The White Room

I have walked the roads of my arteries and veins,
I have traveled from atop the grooved paths
Marked by the memories of the passing years and passersby,
To the lands that move, where lies the ten cold mountain peaks.
I have met all kinds of people, strange yet familiar,
And I have tasted what they tasted, smelled what they smelled,
That even on unexplored grounds, I feel uncannily at home, safe
Until I chanced upon a passage that led to a white room.
It is mysterious and boundless and ineffably warm,
Even with its bare walls that reflected white in no light,
It is nothing I have ever seen and everything I've seen,
I touched the walls gently, curiously, and it touched me back
I took a deep breath and shivered, and the walls fluttered
As if afraid, and closed up the opening from whence I came,
I was trapped and panicked as the walls started to quake,
So I bang on them, whose whiteness and blankness
Saturated my blinded eyes, until I bled.
I screamed and cried and all I could hear
Were unending echoes of my own screams and cries
Until I stopped and they desisted and became silent beatings.
I laid on the floor resigned and listless,
Listening to the drumming in my head,
Then I observed red seeping through the impenetrable walls,
And I was washed with and floated in waves of red,
I tasted of the blood and iron in my mouth,
And I finally realized and have always known where I was.
I came to investigate my heart and was trapped inside
Because it closed itself from you, and I came to
Understand, but was confused by all the contents removed.
My heart is an empty white room.

Together

My blood-shot eyes are a painting
Of the agonizing torture I feel inside,
Each crisscrossing red lines on the white canvas
The wounds of your heart bleeding through.
I consumed too much fatigue, drunken vision,
But I persist, resist the veiling of eyes,
Because I want to suffer with you,
Because you're not the only one in anguish,
And may we found solace in one another.
So I took a step toward you, swallowed
My fear of your potential reproach,
My fear of saying the wrong things,
And endured the coldness of your silence
Only to find the real you buried beneath.

Unsaid

10.06.2012
You don't deserve my words.
The person I wrote this for,
Was someone I thought was different,
Than this monster that finally removed his mask,
Who is incapable of looking in the mirror
And looking into himself
To realize, that it never had to end this way.
You are trying to dig a way out
By digging out the past,
But you're just digging yourself a hole
In hopes of resurrecting what died.
But it's dead. And you're killing yourself with it.
You want to drag me down with you,
But it's not something I consented,
So please, just stop,
Just watch your actions and your words,
Because what you called me out to be,
Is exactly who you are.

Nothing I said
Or written in any way
Can penetrate
Your heavily-fortified gate.

My every approach meant
Acts of encroachment
And I'm afraid to get near
For fear of losing something dear.

So I tied my message to a dove
Set flight over the wall and above
But your defense was on high thereof,
And shot down my love.

I don't know what else I can do
My tears are morning dew
The sun shines, but the world is dark
Because I share it with the whole of you, so hark --

There's nothing I can say
Or write in any way
That can penetrate
Your refusal to open the gate,
But know I'll be sitting here
Now and for passing of years,
Should you ever need me to catch your tears,
Listen to your fears,
Because our bond will never disappear.

Leash

I'm calling out to you for help,
But do you really listen?
You call it idiocy, weakness,
And strip me of my clothes
To shame me in public.
Your authoritative silence,
Has me whimpering in the corner,
And I find that every choice that I make
I have needs to seek your approval
Because without it, I feel uneasy,
Unsettled by your haunting shadow,
That particular look in your eyes, already
Punishing my imagined disobedience.
You make me walk the straight line,
And you push me along, forcing me,
And I stumble and wobble and fall over,
I can taste the asphalt in my mouth.
I'm crying into the ground,
Hoping trees will grow out of gravel,
Lifting me far away from you,
But even in my dreams,
The leash becomes taut, and yanked,
And I feel myself tugged and pulled
I'm crashing back down to earth at full speed,
And I've broken my bones and soul,
But instead of caring, you laugh,
You reprimand me, for getting too far.

Glass

I watched them fall, one by one,
And I saw my image in them,
I am the teardrops that fall
From my eyes onto the desk top.
They are the insects that flew
Blindly into the windshield,
They are the dishes I threw
Angrily onto the floor.
They burst open and break apart,
Some tiny little liquid shards,
And it hurts me to touch them,
And it hurts me to watch them
Fall like so, die like so,
And I can't stop them,
I can't help myself.

Stalemate

My sweaty palms, tighten their grip
On the cold and unfeeling gun,
As I crawl through the mud, determined
To attain some goal I did not want,
But thought I needed,
To carry out my faulted plan
To defend against your piercing silence.
I scratch at the dried scab
With my blood-stained fingers,
As the bullets fly overhead,
Some wingless angels,
Ready to carry bodies to rest.
I did not want to admit
That I was afraid, but I was stubborn,
As I held my head up high,
Even when captured by the enemy,
Even when held captive in your presence,
I'd rather swallow a grenade,
Than reveal what's in my heart.
And as I stand naked in front of you,
Unadorned by metals or medals,
We meet eye-to-eye, held steadily,
I look at you with masked pain,
You look at me hard,
I cannot read what's behind those eyes,
And we both refuse to back down,
We are just at war with our pride.

Waitin'

I'm sittin' here, waiting and wishing
Hoping you'd see how tortured I am
A cloth being torn in half,
I'm the threads that are still holding on
But I'm slowly starting to separate,
Pulled apart by your hands,
And I'm resisting, trying not to fall apart,
Not knowing that you only wanted
A piece of me to keep.

My Mistakes

The last breath that I took
Before I dived head first
Into the bottomless water
Is gradually running out
As I ebb away from light
As air bubbles run to the surface
And it's true what they say
That memories flash
Before your eyes,
Like some neurological exam,
And as I examine them,
Regret fills my lungs,
But you can't see
The tears I cried,
And before I become
The darkness that surrounds me,
I utter an inaudible,
Sorry.

Play-Doh

You held me in your hands
And you dug your fingers
Into my flesh, leaving a mark there
Then you cover it up,
But I've felt it and I will always feel it.
You mold me into shapes
To your liking
And I am powerless against you,
Your domineering ways,
As I lay still in your hands.
You pry me open
And you are happy when you do so,
Hoping to find some secret,
But this is all I am,
But still, you put me through
Grueling processes and manipulations,
You breed guilt in me,
Then bleed me out to see its effects,
And one day, I won't cry anymore,
My tears will dry, my blood will dry.

Supprimer

Je regarde aux photos de nous,
Je lis nos conversations,
Et je souris, mais ils me font triste
Parce que je sais que ces sont le passé
Et je ne peux pas les retrouverÀ part de mon esprit
Je les ai besoin,
Parce que tu es dans ces souvenirs,
Et je t'aime, je t'aime beaucoup
Mais, ils ne peuvent pas me définir,
Alors, alors,
Je jette les photos de nous,
J'efface tous les mots,
Et comme je les supprime,
Je ferme mes yeux.