Self-Pity

I am scratching at a patch of skin
That I dislike, wanting to dig deep,
To see what I am made of.

I am clawing my way in,
Through the ever-growing, gaping hole
Of infected flesh and nearly-exposed bone,

Erupting the same crazed blood
That has me wounding myself
In the first place.

Powerless

I don't know what is with me,
Doting on your everything
And I can't stop myself.
I'm just your puppet
And you taunt me by placing
A pair of scissors in front of me.

And you stuff my mouth with
A wad of your words
Silencing my objections,
I've never felt this kind of powerlessness
It makes me want to die
And I might as well be.

Does it make you happy
To see me struggle thus?
What have I ever done
To deserve this?
What is wrong with me?
Who am I supposed to be?

I don't even feel the pain anymore
Just breathlessness,
A suppression, a numbness,
And if I cried any more
There would be grooves on my cheeks
And it would be flooding over.

It's like screaming and no one can hear you
And I am so alone, so alone
I am going insane, with these two sides of me,
Schizophrenic, paranoid, bipolar,
And I'm so scared the dark side will win
I'm so scared of you, of losing you, of losing myself.

How do you do it? Such masterful skills,
Convincing me, overpowering all of me...
And I nod silently, with tears brimming my eyes,
"Yes, I'm only as good as you say I am."
"I'll do anything," I whispered pathetically,
"If you will just let me stay..."

So if you love me, please
Save me or let me go.

Possessed

I've been trying so hard
But they've been there for so long,
I've been lying on the door
They've been wanting to burst through

...and I finally let them.

They erupt, being repressed for so long
A fast bullet of black ink,
Smoke in my cup of water
And I am changed.

Fog

I wake up amidst a wreckage
My eyes covered by wind-swept hair
My head hurts and I'm confused
For I don't know how I ended up here

I wobble as I stand to look around
The world looked like a storm danced on by
And I am as lonesome as anyone can be
As a survivor of love's rampage, and I sigh

I walk around, trying to salvage what I can
Trying to scavenge for deeper meanings
In your words and gestures
So I can make sense of these feelings

I wait for any sign of rescue
But fog descends before my sight
And I search around blindly for stability
In hopes of grabbing the hands of my knight

I wonder loudly to myself
If I'll ever find my way through or out
As light turns into night, I close my eyes
Knowing these doubts and him I'll dream about.

I Just Want

The internal flames roared
Tearing up my insides
Wanting to burn it all down
The rage, the blood,
The despair, the desire,
The object, the person, 
A whirlpool of fumes
There is just too much love
That I want to profess
And even such things
Such lovely and delightful things
Can be heavy on the heart,
So heavy on the heart.

Fear

There is something
Stopping me from
Saying the words
That riot in my mind

There is something
Holding my arms back
When I want to break free
And run towards the light

There is something
Preventing my heart
From expressing
From dreaming

There is something
Raining on my spirits
Dampening my strive
For happiness and purpose

This is something
Keeping me safe
Keeping me silent
Keeping me.

Cancer

Your love is a cancer
And it's slowly taking a hold of me
Day by day, I'm weakened,
As you and everything about you,
Spread through my body,
Eating up my thoughts,
Finding residence in my heart,
And as I walk along the streets
Of my mind, I smile
At your endearing qualities,
I laugh, at your silly antics,
Ever so painfully delightful,
And strangers look on with concern,
As you possess me,
Body and soul.

Drugged

I writhed on the ground,
Tangled in my own struggle,
Moist in my own sweat,
Gulping down dry air,
Drying up my blood.
I withdrew my limbs,
Shrinking my body,
To shrink the pain,
I cannot speak a word,
So I begged with my eyes.
And you gave me
Mercifully,
Another dosage
Of what I greatly desired
Craved so, that I caved
My rationality, and
I collapsed languidly,
Dreamily,
In your potent love.

Twin poem to the previous one.

Where Do You Exist?

There's something nagging at my core
And I felt its tingling effects throughout
The labyrinthine lines of my being.
I've almost forgotten how you took a quill
And carefully carved into my heart
A curse to cure my missing you.
Your touch, a potent anesthesia,
Makes me forget the delirious pain
I am supposed to feel, which
Has now graced me with its presence
Reminding me of your absence.
The ink, like a poison, spreads like wings
Coursing throughout my entire body
Imprinting its mark on my cells,
A mark blood can't wash away,
And I'm held a permanent hostage.
I'm drinking in the words on the page
Like they came from your hands
The cancerous letters, marching
One after the other, lines and lines
Of seemingly inert words
But I've been infected by their power,
As they reach their hands out
And caught and enveloped me, like air.
I'm kneeling on the ground in the rain
The puddles of God's fallen tears, like ink,
I look upwards, arching my back,
Letting the water wash over me,
Before it hits the ground, turning into ink.
My arms and hands, spread out,
Offering to some unknown deity
Whatever it is It chooses to take,
To have you brought back to me,
To have our fingers reef-knot tangled,
So that we may weather this storm
Together, but I find myself empty.
The darkness eclipses my sight
My pupils grow larger, engulfing light,
Trying to catch every creeping shadow
But everything is melting away,
Weeping sadly for some unknown reason
And I'm drowning in this world.
I'm sinking deeper and deeper
Into my mind, splotches of ink,
Where memories and a distant you reside
And I'm lost in your image.
I scream, but it sounds so far away,
I cradle your words and ate them up
Seeding an ineffable insatiability.
I feel like I've slept for a thousand years
But I awoke in your arms,
Your smile, a sun, shining on and on
And I can't help but smile along,
For some unknown reason,
And I'm so touched, it hurts.

Irrational poem. I need to spill some of my irrationality...
So I don't get too lost in my fantastical world.
Published on the 24th of October, 2010.

Choices

The door is there to come in or to go out
Do you follow the signs or your heart?
We stand here at forked roads,
Pacing the ground, round and round
Do you choose for others or for yourself?
We are bond by invisible strings
One yank there, one tug here,
We can never be out of influence's reach,
But the choice is yours to hold,
Like a little child,
It grows into something,
Like branches of a tree,
There is value in every way,
Every direction.
It's your choice to roll the dice,
But the outcome, you can't control.
All one must do, is muster courage and hope.
But do I have them in my possession?
Even with such bravery, one is still
Exposed to the caprice, taciturn life,
Why do we still choose to love?

Random, random linessss...
Sorta inspired by Firethorn and Galan.

Mythology

My love resides on the sun,
My sorrow resides on the moon,
I'm leaping on the stars to get to you
Careful not to fall into darkness.
I found you on Earth, and
We held hands as we explored this galaxy,
Riding on the asteroid belt,
Sliding down Saturn's rings.
We become shooting stars,
Round and round we go,
Until we tire and rest upon clouds, but
You fall through and back in your slumber.
Whilst I, sitting on Polaris, watched you
As you awake in my love,
I fade into sorrow,
And you remark on your fantastical dream.

This one pieced itself together.
I have no idea what the hell I was writing, haha.
Composition started Sept. 24th, 2010.

Fear

My heart is racing against the speed of light
It erupts of anxiety like a volcano
And I don't want to face it,
I don't want to face it

I want to remain disconnected
For the fear of change
I don't want to draw a new image
When I can re-visit the one already perfected

I fear that my feelings will not remain the same
The one that I had felt before
Because we are composed of time
And we never remain the same,

Except in our minds.

Pendulum

Hypnotic,
As I sway side to side
Listening to delicious words
That came out of that mouth
Of yours
The same one
That uttered profane language
When something doesn't go right
The same one
That opened and asked
For a taste of food that's still cooking
The same one
That sang to me
When I was feeling down
The same one
That confessed to me
Secrets, feelings, and love
The same one
That stamps its mark
On my lips.

Forever hypnotized.

Keith

Unbeknownst to the stranger
I carry with me
A devastating secret,
Of utter importance
I hung it over my shoulder
And walked on ordinarily
Until a man cycled by
And stole the black bag
From me,
The explosive secret
I chased him down,
To no avail...
Determined,
I asked an elderly man
For directions,
"He has brown wavy hair"
"Oh Keith, yes"
His withered hands, pointing
And there was the familiar stranger
With a slight disguise
He had shaven
Patterns into those glorious strands
I opened my mouth, dignified,
Demanding for my secret back
He did not look at me
But locked his bike up,
With screwed up eye brows
He replied with hostility
Saying that he no longer has it
I besought him for an answer,
I needed it back.

We were running
It was a basement boiler room
He pushed me up a ladder
With peeling white paint
"Quick go, while I stall them"
People dressed in black
Were barging in
Armed with weapons
"No, I'm not leaving without you"

The next scene
Takes us to a bus
My vision tinted
By the presence of sunglasses
He sat across from me
My head faced him,
But he did not know
That I was looking
He gave a little knowing smile
With a disheartened look
In his eyes,
As my companion,
Intertwined his fingers in mine
I gave a weak smile,
And looked away.

It was the wrong timing,
Keith, the stranger
Who appeared in my life
Even after the undercover mission
We went on
Even after showing me
That he cared more than
He could ever admit...
I think after waking up,
If I ever met Keith
On the street,
I'm not sure how I'd react,
Such oscillating feelings...

And I guess,
The only link we'll ever have,
Is our dreams.
And I'll look at this passerby
Thinking,
"You don't know me,
But I know you"
While he walks by,
Thinking the same.

Keith, the character in my dream,
With unknown origins
Who saved the fantastical me,
Who invoked such conflicting emotions in me
He has such little impact on my reality,
Yet demands such attention,
Because he holds my secret.
He is my secret.

I had this really odd dream and it inspired this... really confusing poem, lol. Even though it was strange, it merits some sort of significance, that I can't explain. Maybe Freud can help me...