Six

Right now, at this very moment,
With no regard to anything at all;
No past, no future,
No circumstances, no expectations...
In the stillness and purity of this moment
I wish so badly and earnestly,
That you were right here next to me,
Holding me, holding my hand,
Making me feel safe,
Making me feel complete,
And all I want to breathe, is you.

Cursed

Sometimes when I am with you,
I still feel like I'm alone,
I'm holding onto thin air.

The more I think of you,
The further apart we are
So I might as well not think anymore.

It's the dizzying act
Of trying to crawl away
When you are drugged,

It's the want and desire
Overwhelming the want
And desire to let go

It's a curse,
Because you are the cause,
And the cure.

含羞草

I want so bad, to open my heart to you           
And I want to hold you forever,
So tightly in my arms,
Because there's no better fit than us
Being together, like this.

But I'm so afraid, for
Doubt binds my hands behind my back
And clasps its hand over my mouth 
And I find myself closing up
Whenever you're near.

*

I want so bad, to open my heart to you

And I want to stay in your arms forever,

So close that I can hear your heartbeat,

Because there's nowhere better than here

Being together, like this.

But I'm so weary, for

There are circumstances and obstacles

An invisible force field between us

And I just want, just need to feel you

Whenever you're near.

Things I Miss About Toronto...

I was watching a talk show with my parents this morning and it inspired me to do this post. They were talking about what ambiance, food, drinks they like at cafes, and it made me miss Second Cup. So I thought I'd put together a list of things I missed about Toronto, so I don't forget, and maybe one day when I go back, I can revisit them.

Background:
I've lived in Toronto for five years (four of those in the heart of the downtown area... I spent my first year at the Mississauga campus). Although I hated it (mainly because of the extreme weather and some crappy experiences), I still had some good times living there. It's where I sort of grew up as an individual (emphasis on "sort of," haha). What I loved most about living in such a big city is learning the knowledge of its streets and becoming familiar with particular spots that I enjoyed going. It made me feel like the city is mine.
Anyway, get on with it!
*Warning: a lot of food-related things and restaurants will be mentioned.

1. I miss being able to walk everywhere
2. I miss the creepy, smelly subway (mainly because I actually learned how to take it, lol, and it helped me with my NSEW bearings)
3. I miss Harbourfront (and taking the University St. down) and its diamond waters
4. I miss Second Cup's London Fog, ginger snap cookies (I miss the one particularly on College St.)
5. I miss the Starbucks on the corner of St. George and College
6. I miss the Tim Hortons on the corner of College and Spadina -- a large French Vanilla, hot chocolate, Iced Capp, honey-glazed donut please!
7. I miss the Burger King on the corner of College and Spadina
8. I miss the little convenience store called College Variety on College with the nice Korean store keepers
9. I miss the laundromat, Konnichiwa Japanese restaurant with their super delicious Katsu Don and Udon, John's Italian Caffe with their seafood linguini and tiramisu, Sambuca's prix fixe menu, the little video store, all situated on Baldwin St. 
10. I miss the Village Idiot Pub and their Fruli strawberry beer
11. I miss the Lucky Moose Mart and everything Taiwanese that they sell there, oh and the Jasmine Green Tea!
12. I miss the shady Barbeque Pork place on Spadina
13. I miss the Thai restaurant near the Kensington Market that had the best Thai Iced Tea
14. I miss the TD bank on the corner of Spadina and Dundas, as much as I hated it
15. I miss walking past the Robarts library
16. I miss the Blockbuster on Spadina that closed down even though I was their best customer
17. I miss the upstairs Pho place on Spadina
18. I miss the Vietnamese restaurant on Spadina and their Hai Nan chicken with the divine rice with veggies
19. I miss the Arton Bead store and the Icing bead store on Queen St.
20. I miss all the clothing stores and boutiques on Queen St.
21. I miss the Crepe Cafe on Queen St. that served the best paninis and savory crepes 
22. I miss the Chapters on the corner of the-streets-I-can-never-remember-the-name-of and the Scotia Bank theatre right next to it 
23. I miss the Metro, formerly known as Dominion, at the corner of College and University and getting cans and cans of Campbell's Garden Minestrone Soup and salami and Perrier
24. I miss the drugstore above the Metro where I'd spend hours looking at makeup
25. I miss the Baskin Robbins at the Village Grange 
26. I miss walking past the police stations on Dundas, College (lol, men in uniform *wink*)
27. I miss walking to class, especially to Victoria College, Rm. 101, where the early morning light would come in at a slant through the windows and set the dust a-dancing
28. I miss the Eggsmart place that served breakfast and brunch, which had the best freshly squeezed orange juice
29. I miss the Little India restaurant on Queen St. and their Butter Chicken, na'an, and lamb biryani dishes, oh and the mango juice
30. I miss walking to Eaton Centre and the World's Biggest Bookstore 
31. I miss the bubble tea place on Yonge St. 
32. I miss seeing the very awkwardly structured ROM on Bloor St. 
33. I miss seeing all the tall buildings and expensive people (lol) on Bloor St. 
34. I miss the Loblaws at the corner of Christie and Dupont
35. I miss being able to see the CN Tower from my bedroom window when I lived on Ross St.
36. I miss Big Fat Burrito and their root beer

That's all I can think of at the moment. I probably missed some things so I'll continue to add them as they come to mind. I think above all, I miss the freedom to wander. Peripatetic walking is the best. 

Fog

I wake up amidst a wreckage
My eyes covered by wind-swept hair
My head hurts and I'm confused
For I don't know how I ended up here

I wobble as I stand to look around
The world looked like a storm danced on by
And I am as lonesome as anyone can be
As a survivor of love's rampage, and I sigh

I walk around, trying to salvage what I can
Trying to scavenge for deeper meanings
In your words and gestures
So I can make sense of these feelings

I wait for any sign of rescue
But fog descends before my sight
And I search around blindly for stability
In hopes of grabbing the hands of my knight

I wonder loudly to myself
If I'll ever find my way through or out
As light turns into night, I close my eyes
Knowing these doubts and him I'll dream about.

Spin

I am a spinning top
Spinning endlessly
In the same place,
Digging a groove,
Dulling my senses;
I've stranded myself.
Everything blurs,
Colours blend,
And I listen numbly
To my own laughter
Spin out of my head.
I am swimming
In a world of madness,
And I'm on the brink
Of giving into it,
When suddenly
A skip suspends
My swirls and whirls,
Knocking me out
Of my hollow,
And I somehow
Stumble into a place
Where I should not be.
I know not how
I ended up here,
But my love spills
From my sleeves
As I twirl and spin.
I'm spinning still
In this uncanny place,
I gasp as I realize
That I've set my heart
A-flight and it lands
In your territory, spinning.
Now I must endure it
Mindlessly spinning,
Hopelessly spinning,
Because I can't stop it.

This is what I have spun. Now I have to wear it, with hopes of it keeping me warm. 

蘿格 I

如果你真的愛一個人, 你會希望他很幸福.
因為愛在遠方  也只能做這麼多.
要是他能幸福, 愛也就滿足了.
也許他永遠  也不會知道  我多麼愛他,
但這一切是  我想要給他的.
真愛是沒有代價的.

Smoke

The smoke over the water
Slowly shape into familiar forms,
The silhouette of lovers,
Holding onto each other
Before they drown in air.
But they might as well be letting go
For time steals breaths,
And though your scent lingers
All I'm left are wisps of you.

This is Not a Love Poem

I just want to capture all the words you say,
And eat them when I'm starved for confidence
Because you say them in such a way
That makes me unafraid of being bold.
Every time I want to scream out loud
It's your voice resonating in my mind
And as if you can read the troubles in my brows,
You seem to cradle my face to smooth them out.
Sometimes I suddenly find thoughts of you
And I'm surprised by their presence in my mind,
Dreamily traveling to my fingertips and toes
And I don't really know what I'm feeling.
I'm unfazed by your teasing remarks
As we banter back and forth, a word wrestle,
And I don't mind losing it all to you
Because you bring a certain excitement to the air,
That I find myself craving.
Your gestures exasperate me,
But they also elicit such a happiness,
So I must be going crazy
For you, for me to let you wholeheartedly.
You put a meaning into time
As I sit here breathing it into a smile,
And I'm still at a loss at this unexpected gain
Of something so sublime and so lovely.

Our Skin is the Only Barrier

You turn me onto my back
Sliding up slowly
Running your hands on my legs
Ripple of the sheets
I welcome you with open arms
And suddenly you're there 
I trace the veins along your neck with my tongue
Curling my fingers in the curl of your hair
Your fingertips dance lightly on my lips
The pupils of our eyes drinking each other in
I feel your heart beating in my chest
You hear the laughter at the back of my throat
I see the words stringing together in your mind
You long to cure whatever darkness afflicts my soul
I claw at your back, wanting to be consumed
You sketch out a map on top of my heart
Then grabbed my hands
Interlocked fingers, filling up the gaps in between, 
We're only skins apart.

Yes it's very much been you and me poems lately...

Killer

I lay supine and I pine for you
I lay quiet in the dark room
And I touch my shadow on the wall
Cold and flat, alone
In the only light from my laptop
I touch my lips absentmindedly
And the smiles that were there
Are ghosts now
And the tears that roll down
Carry drowned memories in them
Breaking apart on fabric
And I knew from the start
That you'd cause me heartache
But my palms are still facing down
As I type, as I give you more
Than I should, like always
But I didn't mind
And I don't know why
My heart is open to you
But you tear it apart
As your paranoia cuffs my hands
And you accuse me of things
Like you've never known me
But you tell me to come to you
And I do, obediently,
And as I sob painfully into your chest
You press me into you, smothering,
Until I stop moving
And you lay me down gently,
Supine on the ground
And I'm still pining.

The Missing Page

I tore pages from Petrarch's Il Canzoniere

And ate them to quell my sighs,
Because every thought of you
Arouses a strange wind
That blows the pages of my heart open
And scatters them across the floor,
I pick them up hurriedly,
For fear of you reading them.
As I collect the last page on the ground,
I find that I still have one missing,
I am frantically searching for it, but in the end,
My heart has surrendered this piece.
I stand there in the gentle wind,
Clinching the remaining bundle close to me,
And I sigh gently.

Waitin'

I'm sittin' here, waiting and wishing
Hoping you'd see how tortured I am
A cloth being torn in half,
I'm the threads that are still holding on
But I'm slowly starting to separate,
Pulled apart by your hands,
And I'm resisting, trying not to fall apart,
Not knowing that you only wanted
A piece of me to keep.

Masochist

It's been a minute and a day
Since I last talked to you
As I close the curtains to the ending day
Thoughts of you filed into my mind,
Making up scenes that never happened
And I find myself rehearsing unwritten scripts
An attempt to fill the gap caused by your absence
And the more I thought, the more you flood my mind
I find myself floating in the endless ocean of you
I give in to the current and sink without struggle.

I am walking the tracks of time,
And everywhere I turn,
I catch a shadow at the corner of my eye
And I pretend it's us playing hide-and-seek,
You, hiding behind the curve of my smile,
And you just can't escape,
You refuse to escape,
And I don't want to escape.
I am the feather blown from your hand,
I am floating gently in your power.

I'm running down the long corridor,
Each step an echo of your heartbeat,
Bursting in my mind, pulsating,
Intensely, incessantly,
And I thrive on it.
You sat there with the remote in your hand,
You rewound the tape and pressed play,
And I find myself re-enacting
The scene that so pleases you,
And I'm happy.

Addicted

I'm stumbling towards a light in the fog
The fog seeps into my brain
The ship crashed into port
I lay among the wreckage
Smiling slightly at my fortune
As blood trickle down my face
I wiped it off and used it to draw
Your name and mine in the wet sand
A map that would lead me to your heart
And just when I thought everything was fine
I tripped and fell into a grave fit for me
And I lie there on the cool ground
Sinking, thinking, and dreaming
And I crawled slowly out of the hole
Towards your light and you open your arms,
A welcoming embrace, the right place
And when I got to you,
A familiar click, and darkness descends
And again, cyclically, I find myself restrained
And I struggled to find you,
And I just can't stay away,
I can't bear to stay away.

Hmm, I don't know why I keep using the drug analogy. Lol.

Drugged

I writhed on the ground,
Tangled in my own struggle,
Moist in my own sweat,
Gulping down dry air,
Drying up my blood.
I withdrew my limbs,
Shrinking my body,
To shrink the pain,
I cannot speak a word,
So I begged with my eyes.
And you gave me
Mercifully,
Another dosage
Of what I greatly desired
Craved so, that I caved
My rationality, and
I collapsed languidly,
Dreamily,
In your potent love.

Twin poem to the previous one.

Gone is the Past

I loved you once
But you disappeared,
Vaporous.
If I could only stop time
If I could only stop time,
Alas, I cannot.
Every moment is passing
And I'm weary of it,
I'm tired of time's routine,
I'm tired of memory's photobook.
And no matter
How much I plead,
I doubt time will turn its head
And look back at me
With its pitying eyes,
Whilst holding your hand,
Walking into yesterday.

I miss you...
Published 10th of February.

Love, Unexpressed

Was there ever a more difficult topic than love?
My words are a vessel, bringing it to you
There's always a fear of torrid storms
That might cause them to sink and
Never to be found again.
In years transformed into some relic
Undecipherable, unoriginal,
Simply antiqued and water worn,
A scar on the sea floor,
A part of my memory.

I am stuck on my essay.
So I wrote this instead.

Solitude

I walk alone on the streets
Not knowing anyone
Not wanting to know anyone
And all I have is you
In my memory.
And before I burst into tears
At the thought of you,
(Oh, how I miss you),
A monarch butterfly
Flutters by,
Giving me a little heart
To comfort my solitude.

The Core

What I feel like,
Is the space between
Two repelling magnets,
I just can't get close enough
To you.
And no matter
How hard I try,
I'll be the Waldo
That wasn't drawn in,
No matter how hard
You look, you just can't find me.
I see you across the canyon,
We make gestures to meet,
Only to have you go
East and I go West,
O, fortune's fool.
The distance amnesic,
I see familiarity in you,
As we pass shoulders,
We both look back
At the same time,
But not knowing
How to reach each other,
As the magnetic force
Kicks in again.
A heart's promise made,
I shall venture,
I shall strive,
To Earth's inner core,
And that is where
We shall meet,
And melt into
Each other's arms.