Caught

I'm always silently screaming
It's so loud in my head
And I'm going insane
Trying to figure you out
I can't pinpoint how you really feel
Like trying to find
The spot where it really itches.
It's an endless struggle,
An everyday battle,
I just want more than you give
Because it's never enough
To satisfy the craving of you.
You are a sadist,
Smiling at my pain, at my desire
Of wanting you,
At my desperation, 
You set fire to the frayed ends of my being,
Then smother it out with kisses;
It's cruel, it's kind,
It's a punishment, it's a gift,
Why are you using such tactics on me,
When you already have me?
My blood boils at the sight of you,
Passionately, and full of hatred,
And I just want to hold onto you forever
And dig my fingers into your skin,
Tearing it apart, so I can really see you,
So I can taste your blood,
But you hold my hands behind my back,
Taunting and teasing,
And I'm fighting your restraints,
And I'm fighting against myself,
And I find that,
I am hopelessly caught 
Between it all,
Between your arms.

When Your Heart Is Your Enemy

You just can't fight the heart
Because you either live or die
...and both are awful consequences.

Powerless

I don't know what is with me,
Doting on your everything
And I can't stop myself.
I'm just your puppet
And you taunt me by placing
A pair of scissors in front of me.

And you stuff my mouth with
A wad of your words
Silencing my objections,
I've never felt this kind of powerlessness
It makes me want to die
And I might as well be.

Does it make you happy
To see me struggle thus?
What have I ever done
To deserve this?
What is wrong with me?
Who am I supposed to be?

I don't even feel the pain anymore
Just breathlessness,
A suppression, a numbness,
And if I cried any more
There would be grooves on my cheeks
And it would be flooding over.

It's like screaming and no one can hear you
And I am so alone, so alone
I am going insane, with these two sides of me,
Schizophrenic, paranoid, bipolar,
And I'm so scared the dark side will win
I'm so scared of you, of losing you, of losing myself.

How do you do it? Such masterful skills,
Convincing me, overpowering all of me...
And I nod silently, with tears brimming my eyes,
"Yes, I'm only as good as you say I am."
"I'll do anything," I whispered pathetically,
"If you will just let me stay..."

So if you love me, please
Save me or let me go.

Wrong

I'm with you,
But I'm not myself
I'm split between
What I know is right
And what you make me
Believe is right.

I am shamelessly in love
But so ashamed of my thoughts
The dark love is so alluring
So tantalizing, addicting,
And I don't know what to do,
So weak and helpless

And it's too late to let go,
When the heart is involved.

So weak and helpless,
And you know what to do,
So wordlessly charming
And I can't help but smile
Whenever I see you
I am shamelessly in lust

I'm starting to believe
Whatever lies you feed me,
What I know is wrong,
I'm torn between
Walking away
And wanting even more.

含羞草

I want so bad, to open my heart to you           
And I want to hold you forever,
So tightly in my arms,
Because there's no better fit than us
Being together, like this.

But I'm so afraid, for
Doubt binds my hands behind my back
And clasps its hand over my mouth 
And I find myself closing up
Whenever you're near.

*

I want so bad, to open my heart to you

And I want to stay in your arms forever,

So close that I can hear your heartbeat,

Because there's nowhere better than here

Being together, like this.

But I'm so weary, for

There are circumstances and obstacles

An invisible force field between us

And I just want, just need to feel you

Whenever you're near.

Possessed

I've been trying so hard
But they've been there for so long,
I've been lying on the door
They've been wanting to burst through

...and I finally let them.

They erupt, being repressed for so long
A fast bullet of black ink,
Smoke in my cup of water
And I am changed.

Polar

There is bitterness in the way I ball up my hands
Because I'm sad, because I'm angry, because
I'm trying hard to open up the shell
That you frightened me back into

There is a difference in our thoughts
Of who I should be,
And I don't know who to please
So I'm stuck in purgatory, where,

Yeah, the ghosts are haunting me,
The ghosts are haunting me,
And I'm in hiding. 

Stalemate

My sweaty palms, tighten their grip
On the cold and unfeeling gun,
As I crawl through the mud, determined
To attain some goal I did not want,
But thought I needed,
To carry out my faulted plan
To defend against your piercing silence.
I scratch at the dried scab
With my blood-stained fingers,
As the bullets fly overhead,
Some wingless angels,
Ready to carry bodies to rest.
I did not want to admit
That I was afraid, but I was stubborn,
As I held my head up high,
Even when captured by the enemy,
Even when held captive in your presence,
I'd rather swallow a grenade,
Than reveal what's in my heart.
And as I stand naked in front of you,
Unadorned by metals or medals,
We meet eye-to-eye, held steadily,
I look at you with masked pain,
You look at me hard,
I cannot read what's behind those eyes,
And we both refuse to back down,
We are just at war with our pride.

Waitin'

I'm sittin' here, waiting and wishing
Hoping you'd see how tortured I am
A cloth being torn in half,
I'm the threads that are still holding on
But I'm slowly starting to separate,
Pulled apart by your hands,
And I'm resisting, trying not to fall apart,
Not knowing that you only wanted
A piece of me to keep.

Where Do You Exist?

There's something nagging at my core
And I felt its tingling effects throughout
The labyrinthine lines of my being.
I've almost forgotten how you took a quill
And carefully carved into my heart
A curse to cure my missing you.
Your touch, a potent anesthesia,
Makes me forget the delirious pain
I am supposed to feel, which
Has now graced me with its presence
Reminding me of your absence.
The ink, like a poison, spreads like wings
Coursing throughout my entire body
Imprinting its mark on my cells,
A mark blood can't wash away,
And I'm held a permanent hostage.
I'm drinking in the words on the page
Like they came from your hands
The cancerous letters, marching
One after the other, lines and lines
Of seemingly inert words
But I've been infected by their power,
As they reach their hands out
And caught and enveloped me, like air.
I'm kneeling on the ground in the rain
The puddles of God's fallen tears, like ink,
I look upwards, arching my back,
Letting the water wash over me,
Before it hits the ground, turning into ink.
My arms and hands, spread out,
Offering to some unknown deity
Whatever it is It chooses to take,
To have you brought back to me,
To have our fingers reef-knot tangled,
So that we may weather this storm
Together, but I find myself empty.
The darkness eclipses my sight
My pupils grow larger, engulfing light,
Trying to catch every creeping shadow
But everything is melting away,
Weeping sadly for some unknown reason
And I'm drowning in this world.
I'm sinking deeper and deeper
Into my mind, splotches of ink,
Where memories and a distant you reside
And I'm lost in your image.
I scream, but it sounds so far away,
I cradle your words and ate them up
Seeding an ineffable insatiability.
I feel like I've slept for a thousand years
But I awoke in your arms,
Your smile, a sun, shining on and on
And I can't help but smile along,
For some unknown reason,
And I'm so touched, it hurts.

Irrational poem. I need to spill some of my irrationality...
So I don't get too lost in my fantastical world.
Published on the 24th of October, 2010.

Mythology

My love resides on the sun,
My sorrow resides on the moon,
I'm leaping on the stars to get to you
Careful not to fall into darkness.
I found you on Earth, and
We held hands as we explored this galaxy,
Riding on the asteroid belt,
Sliding down Saturn's rings.
We become shooting stars,
Round and round we go,
Until we tire and rest upon clouds, but
You fall through and back in your slumber.
Whilst I, sitting on Polaris, watched you
As you awake in my love,
I fade into sorrow,
And you remark on your fantastical dream.

This one pieced itself together.
I have no idea what the hell I was writing, haha.
Composition started Sept. 24th, 2010.

Will You?

I've ran out of ink to write you my love,
Will you accept it written in blood?
I've lost my empathy,
Will you settle for sympathy?
My beauty is trickling down
Like the water outside a cold bottle of Coke,
Will you still savour my presence?
I lost a bet and traded my soul to Lucifer,
In return for your guaranteed happiness,
Will you still like the person that I am?
I saw you, so happy with another,
And I became the last drop of water,
Falling from the faucet,
Will you pull the plug and
Let me drain down the pipes into the vast unknown?
And if I told you I no longer loved you,
Because I know you'll be better off without me,
Will you hold it against me?
And if I called out your name,
Despite everything that has happened,
Will you still be by my side?
Will you still love wholeheartedly?
Will I still love unquestioningly?
It's in our will.

There's A Wall Between My Mind and Your Mind

My fingers are stiff and still on home row
And all I can hear is my own breathing
I'm thinking of how to express my words
So that you can experience all that I'm feeling
So that you can understand all of me

I type then I press the delete button
All the black lettering swiped and disappear
Over and over again
I can take back whatever I didn't mean to say
But in your presence, I'm simply speechless.

Tug of War

I'm at a loss
I don't know how to interpret my feelings
I feel like a fool
I don't know where to begin
For one moment
I felt this way
And in another,
I felt another
I don't know what to do with myself
Which side will win the tug of war?

Illusion & Reality

You said,
Sometimes you're allowed to be deluded
About love
Because love is a good thing

And while you said this,
Your eyes lead a trail
Up to mine
Making a connection

And you continued on
Saying that
Love at first sight doesn't exist;
It's an illusion

But you added that,
Sometimes illusions
Can turn into reality
Love can be a reality

So I'm here
Sitting and listening
Daydreaming about your words
Wondering

Whether our illusions
Will turn into a reality...

The Face

The stranger in my dream,
How dare you tread in my dream?
What gave you the courage,
To grab my hands
And dance with me?
Taking control of my fantastical imagination
What gave you the power,
To steer the boat of my dream towards your end?
How did you become the pilot
Of my plane?
How dare you, let me awake,
In a mist of confusion,
Stranger?

Weary

I feel like a wanderer
Walking relentlessly
To an unknown destination
Through deserts
Over harsh mountains
Cold seas and unforgiving oceans

And for what?

Caught

You're playing
A game of tug-of-war
With my heart

Just about when
I am able to
Let you go

You pull me back
Into your arms

How can I feel so
Secure
And insecure
At the same time?

Wasted

I must've mistaken
You
For someone else.

You probably
Pressed the wrong key
On the calculator
--I'm not the one you want.

But why
Does this mistake feel right?

Fallen

And I fell to the ground,
Not really knowing
If you tried to catch me or not...