Gratitude

The memories and feelings I had of you
Are now like pressed leaves
Dried and easily crumbled,
Tucked away in the pages of a heavy book,
Made to remember, but soon forgotten.

What we had was a strudel of time,
Made with layers and layers of words,
Filled with a bittersweet reality,
Baked in an oven of emotions,
And you ate it all up, 'till we were gone.

Like any person in my life,
You were a drop of dye
In my cup of water,
Changing the person I am,
But you stained my glass.

I had such a childlike faith
Believing that I could make a difference,
That I could better things
And just when I thought I was,
I failed.

In times of disaster
One could only hope
To have something
To hold onto, to keep afloat
But you were nowhere to be seen.

Only to appear and chastise me for wanting
That childlike faith back,
And I quivered like the candlelight,
Afraid of that one breath...
My light, was extinguished.

I was kept alive for torture
Because once you've decided
That I was unworthy of leaving
You refused to see anything else,
You chose to forget the good.

These fueled my want of death's comfort
As I can no longer battle in the dark.
And I hurt myself, stepping over
My broken spirit, my broken mind,
My broken heart.

You made me understand
What kind of a person you were,
Just how broken you were,
But you can't keep me here
By making me the same as you.

You can't hurt me
And expect me to stay.

I don't know how I survived
And perhaps life was kinder to me
Than it was to you.
Surely none of us deserve this pain,
But who gave you the right to impose it on me?

I could be angry,
I could be sad,
I could be holding a grudge,
Still.
But I am not.

Because you made me realize things
That I would not have discovered by myself,
So I want to thank you,
For helping me write this fable.
You were a lesson I needed to learn.

Thank you for making me realize
That my tears are my passion overflowing
From a bubbling and boiling concoction
Within, heated by things I saw and witnessed.
And though those hot tears sear my skin

The pain I feel, makes me more human
Than I can be without them.
The clarity I can see with after the storm
Is worth the pain,
Is worth all of this that transpired.

And though the lessons were long and tough
Your repeated assaults have taught me
That if I stopped caring, it doesn't make me less of a person,
That I should not have to suffer and agonize
Over your unhappiness, or over anyone else's.

So, thank you, in the end.

A Hard Person

I know I'm not the easiest person to love
But you do and I don't know why
My question echoes in the silence
Your love bounces off the walls of my heart
Continuously, creating a beat,
A hollow sound, an unyielding shell,
And I feel safer inside
Because ever since I left simplicity behind,
Which cannot be undone,
I had my trust stolen and sold, and was
Trampled on by a march of cruel words,
Cracked smile and broken eyes,
A heart that ran cold,
Pouring out frozen words,
Made me a hard person to love.

Heart: Offline

The spark traveled down your hand
From your mind, electrifying pulse,
And as your fingers touched mine
I felt the jolt, the flutter of the heart,
Twirling electrons in the air.

But some things happened,
Our signals disrupted,
Tangled in wires and chaos
The zeros and ones ceased their march,
The glow around the heart faded.

The Boy

It has been over two thousand and five hundred
Days and miles between us,
And sometimes I'll look at your pictures
And read over the words we've written one another,
And I'll remember fondly and achingly
How I fell in love with you on a whim,
The first boy I ever truly loved,
The boy with the dashing looks,
The boy with the hidden talents,
The boy who had his troubles,
And I was there for all those things.
I thought of my bold and childish ways
I made you paper cranes with hidden wishes,
Went to your locker and tied ribbons there,
Asked you to drive me to morning band practice,
Did all those silly things to impress you,
And I've smiled and cried deeply because of you.
I'll never forget you and I wonder
If you think of me sometimes too,
The boy whose name was the first in my heart,
The boy who made me dream,
The boy who had no idea how much he means,
The boy who I will always love,
The boy who was admired by all,
But who chose me.

Fear

My heart is racing against the speed of light
It erupts of anxiety like a volcano
And I don't want to face it,
I don't want to face it

I want to remain disconnected
For the fear of change
I don't want to draw a new image
When I can re-visit the one already perfected

I fear that my feelings will not remain the same
The one that I had felt before
Because we are composed of time
And we never remain the same,

Except in our minds.