Crossed Paths

It only happens in movies

But it somehow happened today,

I saw you walking toward me 

Thinking you another stranger.

Then something happened, 

When we passed one another,

Such confusion, such breathless nostalgia,

My mind trying to fathom

The spectre before me

One that hasn't tread my mind, 

How many ever days ago.

It seemed so theatrical, so scripted,

That time would slow down

A crack in reality,

As tendrils of memories push their way through.

I'm struggling to remember, but it's so foggy,

And I gasp silently, unconsciously, a dramatic timing;

I slowly turned my head, unsure, and looked behind me,

There you were, ten thousand steps away,

Head turned, looking right back at me. 

For the Lamenting, and for the Hopeful

I raise my glass
To the clouds that must surely pass
And to my past,
A flag raised half-mast

I raise my glass
To the young lass
Tucked safely away
Wherever my heart may lay

I raise my glass
To the love I amass
Saving me still,
Filling my will

I raise my glass
To life's never-ending impasse
For without it, life's a bore,
Without it, how can we strive for more?

Gravedigger

Today is a day about loss:
The persistent dull ache of a wound
That had healed, but that never will.

My past is an unmarked grave;
Some things are meant to be left
Untouched and dead,

Lest it be an ocean of unsettled sand,
The release of rune-locked shadows,
A girl, remembering repressed memories.

Always Lurking

There are still traces
of those shadows in her smile,
Something restraining her
in her movements,
A flash of sadness in her eyes
Right when she looks away,
A little rust in her voice,
Dark crescents and tired lines,
The ripples of a scream
In the ever stillness,
Unheard and unfelt,
An uneasiness
Always lurking.

Memories - On Teachers

So today, while I was taking a break from the art that I was working on, I was browsing on Facebook when I came across a post by one of my high school classmates. He was commenting on how he was checking out the Rate My Teachers site, which also prompted me to take a look at it too.

I go down the list reading the ratings and comments other students had left of the teachers that I had in high school. I've been on this site before, I must add. Years ago. Anyway, it inspired me to write a post on the most influential teachers I've ever had in my (academic) life.

Let's rewind all the way back to when I was still in Taiwan. When I was in grade one, I had a teacher who shared the same last name as me. Although my memory of what she looked like was faint, I'm sure I still have photos of her here somewhere. She has short, boy-cut hair, with round glasses. The most memorable thing about her was her ability to tell stories. I remember those afternoons where all of us sat at our desks in columns and rows, listening to her fantastical story of a flying car, sending us all into a dream-like trance. I also remember the extra-curricular art classes that she hosted after school. One particular session stood out in my mind where we drew on styrofoam sheets (making imprints and poking holes on it), then painting it, and pressing it onto paper like a stamp. I no longer have the artwork, but I remember doing an underwater themed painting. This teacher and I, though I moved to another school closer to my house in the second grade, kept a correspondence for a bit after I moved to Canada. Since my education in writing Chinese ended when I was in grade two, I wrote to her in (still poor) English, with my parents promising me that she would understand. It's a good feeling to receive her letters. It's probably one of the reasons why I enjoy writing long letters to people, hoping that they bring the same joy that I feel when I receive them.

When I first came to Canada, I did not assimilate well, simply because I could not speak the common language. I cried a lot because the elementary school I was enrolled in was... a poor one, and I experienced some minor bullying because I was different. My second grade teacher at this school, was an old lady. She was also, supposedly, the vice principal of the school, so she would teach my class along with another younger teacher. She was very kind and gentle, though I imagine it must have been hard to communicate with me. She was amazed at my mathematical skills for some reason. I must say here, that my math grades were considered poor in Taiwan. (* I shall relate of one of my childhood math stories in a bit.) I did not excel in the subject. Until I came here and realized how easy it was here.

*The story of math and airplanes. 
For one of the math tests (this was fairly early on, probably before elementary school), we were supposed to count up airplanes and add them together (or subtract) and write down the answer. I was told that I purposely wrote down the wrong number (for example, 5) and draw in airplanes in the equation to make my answer a correct one (e.g. if the question 2 airplanes + 2 airplanes, I would draw in an airplane so 5 would be the right answer). And if you must know, I got marked wrong for all those. *shifty eyes* Because "it's not what the questions asked."

Needless to say, Mrs. Loewan (I think that was her name), was an influential figure. She was like a surrogate grandmother in some ways, and made me feel that I am not as dumb in math as I thought I was.

We moved after I graduated grade two, I think. And that's when I met one of the most important people in my life: Mrs. Warkentin. I'm sure she won't mind that I write her name here. When I first arrived at this elementary school, my English was still pretty poor, though I can say and understand simple things. Mrs. Warkentin taught my class with another woman because the latter lady was pregnant. Mrs. Warkentin was also the choir teacher. So naturally, she was very sing-song-y in class, which I personally enjoyed... I still struggled a lot with other subjects that involved English, like, of course Language Arts, Social Studies... One day, Mrs. Warkentin pulled me aside and asked if I would like to join the choir. I will always remember that moment because she strived to help me improve. (If I must compare her to my other teacher... Let me relate to you something that happened... we have this Language Arts journal that we do in class for when we read a book. We write down something we like about the book (I think) and draw a picture to go along with it... The other teacher, Mrs. S let's call her, was always frustrated by what I wrote because well, my English is bad... This one time, when I was sitting down to start writing (something that I was starting to hate), she told me that I didn't have to write anything, but just draw what I wanted to draw...). Anyway, choir was a lot of fun, even though I didn't really know what I was singing about and it gave me the confidence to talk... I was fortunate to have Mrs. Warkentin again when I was in grade four. And this time, she taught the class by herself. It was a great year. There was this one time when I drew something for the Christmas book project that we were working on, she looked at it and told the whole class to stop and look at what I've drawn... I'm just so touched by her, dear readers. Because of how she made me feel about myself. She believes in my potential and helps me toward it. She also took the class to her home for a field trip one day. Her family had set up a BBQ and we all played in her backyard. It was nice. We also had guinea pigs in class, Cutie Pie and Pumpkin. Oh and I won't forget Jake, her doggie, that she introduced us to.

Anyway, I digress a little. She was just the most loving, kind, inspirational teacher I've ever had. And I'm very lucky to have had her during a time when I was still trying to fit in, trying to make sense of the foreign... I can't say enough good things about her. She will always, forever, be the best teacher I've ever had (well, maybe tied with another, that I will write about below).

One day, when I was in high school, and walking home, I thought about her. I thought that maybe I can drop by (since I pass by my elementary school when I walk home) and chat with her. I missed her quite badly that day. So I ventured up to the school, excited to tell her of my accomplishments and how much part she had in my success... Only for the office to tell me that she no longer teaches there... I was crestfallen, regretting that I hadn't gone back and visit her earlier... I cried...

When I was in university, an idea struck me that I can still try to look for her. I searched Facebook for her, just in case she was on the social media. I found a person with her name, so I messaged the person, asking her if she was the one I was looking for (I wasn't sure because the photo was unclear). I got a message back from the woman saying that she had never been a teacher at the elementary school. Then another idea struck me: I can try the school district email. Perhaps she's still teaching. It's worth a try anyway.

You can only imagine my elation when she replied. She told me that she moved on from the elementary school and was helping kids with disabilities. She also told me that just the day before, she was talking to her daughter, wondering if any of her students will ever remember her, only to receive an email from me the next day. We corresponded a little more, updating each other on our lives. Then, busyness took over and I lost contact with her again... I'm not so sad this time though, because she knows just what a significant impact she made on my life. And that's what I want her to know the most...

My grade six and seven (I had him for two years) teacher deserves a mention here. When I was in grade five and graduating to a higher grade, there was rumour that he was the toughest teacher of the entire school. That... was no rumour. He is tough, but he is also an excellent teacher. Mr. Andres, who wears shorts even when it's cold. It is because of him that I started excelling in my academics. I can't say that I've always had a good time in his classes, but he prepped us well for our education and life. And the team games that he would host (he would divide the class up into teams and we would do different activities, ranging in all subjects, earning points to try to win) were difficult, but extremely fun. I didn't hit my breakthrough until I was in grade 7 though. It was because of him that my French is always top of my class... And I'll never forget the time when he complimented on my art in front of another teacher, when I didn't think it was that great. Thanks Mr. Andres, for being a good teacher and preparing us for our future.

I've been fortunate to have a couple of good teachers when I was in high school. My band teacher, Mr. Henderson, is a pretty awesome guy. A brilliant musician and easy-going. Taught us a lot about music and pushing us to be better ones. My grade ten English teacher, Mr. Karvonen. Arguably, the best English teacher I've ever had. He helped ignite the love I have for literature. Entertaining and bright, he cares about the students who care about English. I had the highest mark in his class. My French teacher deserves a mention here too, I guess. I do question her as a person (because she's probably not as nice as she seems), but she was a fairly good French teacher. She was also the teacher that headed the Students' Council. So that makes her a little gossip-y I guess. Anyway, she was encouraging when I went to her for additional French stuff (I was a francophile *shifty eyes*) and she seemed to like me, but like I said, questionable behavior when gossip is involved. I tried really hard in her class because I wanted to excel in French and I guess if she thinks me a "try hard" then so be it. At least I try and work hard. That should be encouraged and not laughed at...

Again, my apologies, for I digress.

I did win outstanding French awards for my grade for two years in French. So I guess, looking past all those disgusting gossip, she was a good teacher in her own right.

Finally, the man that I mentioned earlier, that ties with Mrs. Warkentin as the best teacher I've ever had, is my math teacher, Mr. Mulleny. I'm having a sort of deja-vu here. I feel like I've talked about this before, but I shall continue anyway, because he deserves the praise. Like I said before, math wasn't always my strongest suit. Though I've always done exceptionally well in math in terms of grades... it wasn't really my interest. That changed when I was in grade eleven... I had jumped a grade in math because I took it in summer school, so by the time when grade ten rolled around, I was in grade eleven math. I remember my friends walking me to my class because I was scared. I didn't know anyone since it's a grade higher. I was the first one there and I sat in my seat, the same seat that I would sit for the next two years. I'll get there. Anyway, it was pretty intimidating at first, but I got comfortable in that class because of Mr. Mulleny. He is a teacher that cares. He truly, truly cares. And that's rare, even amongst people! When you have a question, he will help you until you understand it. He explains everything so well and makes you unafraid of asking questions, something which is very, very important in learning. He has a nice sense of humour and you can just tell he's a very good person. When he had his first child (well, not him, his wife), you can tell just how good of a father he will be. He dotes on them (he has two last time I heard... or maybe more, I don't know, lol) and he has their pictures all over his corner of the classroom. He's always been super kind to me, encouraging, and giving me the motivation to be better. I had him again for Math 12, which was a treat. Then again when I retook Math 12 (no, I didn't fail) because I had two spare blocks and my counsellor said I can try to improve upon the mark that I had. When I entered his classroom for the third year in a row, he asked me, "What are you doing here?" I told him that I was retaking Math 12 to improve my grades. And he was like, "But you got an A+."

Lol.

He then proceeded to tell the class, as it started, to try hard because I was here, trying even harder. I didn't mind being there at all. I loved his class. Though I must mention one incident where I got angry at him for the first time ever. And the only time ever... It was when we were learning about quadratics and inverse graphs... I struggled a bit with the inverse subject because there was no clear segue between the topics and it confused me (I like it when there's a flow). And I remember asking him to explain to me better... and then angrily asking him (because I was frustrated with it), why any of this has to do with anything?! I regretted it. But I think he understands. I hope he did anyway.

I wrote to him a couple of years ago, asking him for a reference for the volunteer tutor position at the Toronto Public Library that I wanted to get. He immediately said yes and wrote me a touching note. He was very, very nice with what he wrote in his commendations (so I've been told). He said in his letter to me that he hopes that I can visit him when I get back and that I was kind for volunteering my time to help kids with their schoolwork. He also said that he wishes more of the students he has, were more like me. I can't help but feel so utterly touched. Oh and I forgot to say. It was because of him that I managed to earn some pocket cash by tutoring in high school. He recommended me a lot to his students in the lower grades. My mom said that students kept calling me for help even after I went to university...

Just like it was with Mrs. Warkentin, Mr. Mulleny was a great, influential figure in my life. I will never, ever forget them, for as long as I live. And I am speechless at my great fortune to have had them as my teachers, and for a long period of time as well. I would not have had the academic success I had, if not for them. They pushed me in the right direction and helped me when I needed it the most. They cared as if I am their own child. You can't ask for better teachers...

I haven't encountered any teachers like them when I was in university. Granted, since there are so many students in each course. There is one, however, that I think comes close. His name is Mr. Warley. He was my professor for my ENG444 seminar class on Donne. He reinvigorated my whole love for reading and writing. He taught me how to read and write again.

There were times when he made me extremely uncomfortable in class, such as making me talk, or sitting really close to me (we sat in mobile desks in a circle) to the point that our desks overlapped, but he's brilliant. He also made us go see him individually to talk about our papers. The readings in his class were pretty hard, but it was strangely enjoyable. He encouraged me to really get into my thesis and pushed me in my writing so I can get my idea as persuasive and flawless as possible. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Anyway, that about ends my post on the most influential teachers in my life. I cannot emphasize just how important these people are in my life. Thank you, teachers.

Memories - On Scoliosis

This used to be a very hard, sensitive topic for me to talk about. But now that I have "recovered" from it and grown a tougher skin (I guess), it has gotten a lot easier for me to discuss and share my experience with people.

Well, let's get started then.

I first found out that there might've been something wrong with me one day when I was lunch monitoring. I was in Grade 7. I was sitting there, eating my lunch when I suddenly felt this sharp pain in my left side, in the ribcage region. I panicked and put my hand to the area and felt a bump. Fearing that I may have somehow broken a rib, or something, I called home and was dismissed from school for the day.

I remember my mom coming to school to walk me home so our neighbour can take me to the doctor's (my dad was at work). That visit to the walk-in clinic was a little fuzzy to me and I can't remember much of it. Eventually, appointments were set so I can meet with my family doctor. Many x-rays were taken. (I got commended for being such a good girl and taking good x-rays. It was my first time of many times... They had me take off my clothes and metal jewelries, and put on a flimsy gown. They then put this lead apron around my waist (because they only needed a picture of my mid-section and up) to prevent the radiation from getting to areas that weren't needed. Then, they tagged the picture so they'd know which side is which, by taping a piece of metal to the board that I was facing. When ready, the technician would tell me to hold my breath as they take an x-ray. And voila.)

In the x-rays, my family doctor saw a shadowy area at the bottom on my lungs. Worried that I might have some sort of lung infection or water in my lungs, I got referred to a specialist who then discovered that I have scoliosis. (I don't know what happened to the "shadowy area" in my lungs... They never really explained what it was. Not life-threatening though, I don't think... durr.) I think that's how it went. I was still pretty young then and these things didn't really register with me... all I knew was that something was wrong with me.

Scoliosis is a condition where there is an S- or C-shaped curve in your spine. There isn't a known cause and the prognosis is generally positive when treated. Treatments include wearing a back brace to prevent the worsening of the curvature (and it helps bring down the curve too), and if it is really bad, surgery might be performed where metal rods are inserted on either side of the spine to correct the curve. It generally happens to girls, though in rare cases, boys can be afflicted also. Criken the Youtuber, I've learned, had scoliosis. Anyway. My case wasn't too bad. I had a 30-degree, C-shaped curve in my upper back and I only had to wear a back brace. With a rigorous routine though.

I was still in Grade 7 when I had to go get my back brace fitted. By this time, I was transferred to the department-responsible-for-these-types-of-things at the Children's Hospital. More x-rays were taken and measurements were marked down before I had my fitting.

I can still remember that day fairly clearly. The guy in charge (I no longer remember his name) was specialized in making braces as such, casts, etc., and he had white hair and a white beard. They got me almost naked, save for this long, sash-like material (in the form of a tank-top) that I wore, which acts as a barrier between my skin and the plaster. It was pretty awkward for me because the guy had a young protegé and he was standing there watching me get "braced," in pretty much only my bra and panties... A spectator, if you will. ...They had me lie on this hamper-like thing. It's like a bed with four support posts, and with bands at the head and the foot of it so to dangle me in mid-air. The guy then told me what he was going to do and how it's kind of like paper maché and that it'll feel cold and wet at first and then the material will start to heat up (due to my body temperature) and mold itself to my shape. This took a while as I laid there, helplessly holding onto the bed posts to prevent myself from falling off. I was cold because I was nearly naked, then there's this guy wrapping and slapping on this material all around my mid-section, all the while with some random guy just standing there, watching... Very, very awkward indeed. 

Yes, I still have it. It's sort of a... memento now.

Several weeks passed before my back brace was unveiled to me. It's like a hard casing that I had to put on and strap myself into. I was to wear it every single day and I can only take it off when I shower... I don't really remember the sensation of having something so constricting on anymore (though I imagine that I'd find it very uncomfortable now, since I've developed an aversion to having something constantly squeezing the air out of me), but I remember it being very hot... and it being difficult for me to take a full deep breath.

Not going to lie. I hated it happening to me. I thought it was unfair and I asked to the unknown, just why I was the one chosen to get this condition. Despite that though, I never really complained loudly because I was glad that I at least had it diagnosed before it worsened. On the bright side of things, it meant that I could miss school for a day when I had to go the hospital to get check-ups and see how I progressed every few months. And in the worst case scenario, if I ever get punched or even stabbed in the stomach or something, it can potentially act as a protective gear... (I think up these kind of things to cheer myself up... That's how I coped.)

I kept mentioning that I was in Grade 7 when it happened because very quickly, elementary school days were over and high school began. Not only was it a time of change, but also a time where I felt most vulnerable and alone... because my best friend at the time was moving away and I didn't have anyone to rely on... It was a tough time for me, a difficult stage to transition into. On the plus side of things, my grades got better and better and that was something that consoled me during my time of loneliness. 

Grade 8 started out pretty badly, but fortunately, it got better. The worst thing about it was... Physical Education. My P.E. teacher was a total jerkface. She was super mean, had a curly mullet, and was possibly a lesbian. I hated her, to say the least. And to add to that, she was also my Social Studies teacher. -__- Super lame. I was a mediocre athlete, not that stand-out, but not horribly out-of-shape either. Keep in mind that everything that I had to do, I did with my brace on. When I had to change into and out of my gym clothes, it was super awkward because I was afraid people would stare and make fun of me... So I normally wait until most of the girls were done and change in the corner if all the stalls were taken. Even though my brace was body-hugging, you can still clearly see that there was something wrapped around me. And of course if you touched me, you would know for sure that I had something hard on beneath my clothes. Because the brace is all plastic, it can get really hot, even though it has holes in it too, to ventilate. But I had to wear a shirt/tank-top underneath, then put on the brace and my outside clothes on top. Needless to say, winters weren't that cold for me those years... haha. Anyway. P.E. was just not fun for me. I did, however, get to take it off when we had our weight room sessions. That was a slight bit of relief for me during that time... My P.E. teacher knew of my condition, but she had no sympathy. You'd think that it was her way of encouraging me... yeah, no. No. She was ridiculously mean to me and I don't even know why. Maybe she was racist. Maybe it was because I did extremely well in her Social Studies class and not so much so in her P.E. class that she thought she could pick on me.....

I didn't like to announce to people that I had scoliosis. I didn't want the sympathy nor attention. Only people closest to me knew, and only when people asked out of concern (but I'm sure they were just being nosy), did I tell them about it. So you'd imagine how furious I was when my P.E. teacher, while scolding these two girls in my P.E. class, told them of my condition and of how even though I was "disabled" (not sure if she actually used that word), that I still tried harder than they did. That really pissed me off something terrible. Because I feel like it's my business, she has no right to say it to other people, even if she's using me as an example to tell others that I am a hard worker. Oh, and she also made me cry this one time in Social Studies. But I digress. 

Other than P.E., things started getting better for me as I started making new friends. Friendships that still continue on, to this day... I never really got bullied in high school and I'm glad of it  and I feel lucky because I know it'd be pretty easy for me to get bullied because of my back. But there was this one time, this guy that I sort of know (he's in my brother's grade), said something mean about me because of the way I walked with my brace on. He said I walked like a chicken... ;__; It was pretty hurtful because it's not my fault that I walk like that... Okay, so, there is a little space between the top part of my brace and my back because the brace doesn't actually meet up in the front -- the front of my brace starts right below... uh, my chest. So when I walk, I naturally have this slightly backward-forward bob because there's no barrier to keep me from bending forward, if you know what I mean. Looking at the picture of my brace will probably make more sense... But yeah. Thinking positively though, that was the only mean thing anyone has ever said to me during that time. Yes, yes, I am thankful...

Oh, I totally forgot to mention. The summer before high school started, I went to P.N.E. (which is an amusement park, basically, with carnival flavours). That was a pretty depressing day because I had invited my best friend (a little while after she had moved away) to come, but her parents wouldn't let her... and I had to go by myself (well, with my brother and his friend, but we didn't hang out together that much that day)... There were a lot of rides that I wanted to go on, but couldn't because of my brace (like there was ride where you could lie on your stomach and it'd be like paragliding)... So I ended up playing a lot of random games (especially the shooting one, hehe) and wasted a bunch of money on trying to get a stuffed lion that I wanted... Yeah... And I totally had to share seats with random people (for example, with this rather creepy guy at the tea cup ride), which wasn't fun at all...

In the next couple of years, I would periodically go to the Children's Hospital to get x-rays and the padding on my brace readjusted because I was growing and the curve, improving. I also had to get some physiotherapy too, because the brace pretty much stopped my mid-section from moving as much and my back muscles need strengthening to keep the correction in place. But to be honest, I was pretty bad about doing those exercises. And my physiotherapist knew too... Oops. Lol. It's just that the positions were so comical and silly and I felt stupid when I did them... Oh oh! I just remembered this one visit to the hospital, and it was hilarious. I had changed into their gowns that they provided and then went in to get my x-ray done. But the guy there had me take off one layer of my gown (I normally put on two because I don't want to expose myself) so the picture would turn out better, but I didn't get to put it back on after I walked out of the x-ray room and back to the waiting room. So, I'm prettyyyy sure that everyone saw my panties (it's not considered mooning if you have underwear on, right?) because my gown was BACKLESS. -__- Lol.

Other than that, things went okay for me. I didn't have a problem playing my instruments (even though I think the brace did decrease my lung capacity in the long run). And occasionally I'd eat too much and the brace would cause me some discomfort that I had to ask permission to loosen up my straps, haha. 

Over time, my curve did get better and by the time when I stopped growing/ my growth rate decreased dramatically (which is also the time when my brace would no longer work), my curve was reduced down to about 10-degrees. By the time I was in Grade 10, I was brace free! There is still a curve left in my spine and the bump is still there (more prominent when I lie down and when I stand in a specific stance), but I was told that it wouldn't cause me any trouble in the future. 

The bump today.

From time to time, if my posture was bad, my back would bother me some, but that's my own fault. So yeah. That's the story of my back. For those that are really curious, sometimes I'd let them trace my spine and they could tell that there is still a slight curve... All in all, as much as I hated it happening to me, more good things came out of it... The brace gave me a nice figure because of how much it acted as a corset (lol, yes, something else I came up with to cheer myself up) and because of how depressed I was, that's when my poetry writing started!

Finally, a memories post that ends on a good note. :) And yes, I realize just how much sexual innuendo there is in this post. And yes, I giggled like a 13-year-old as I typed it out. Even though I didn't mean for them to sound sexual... it just... happened. Haha. x

P.S. I think the font in this post is all screwed up. Must be because I added in the e's with the accents. Grr. Either that or I'm going crazy. Probably the latter.

Conditioned

Why is it that whenever I think back
To that time, it makes me want to cry?

Memories II - On Driving

As the title of this post indicates, this is a post about my driving history. Oh, it'll be a good one... I know what you're thinking -- I'm a woman and I'm Asian, therefore I'm a doubly bad driver because of those traits. Stop the stereotypes! Haha. I'll have you know that I am a decent driver! I have never gotten into an accident, never been ticketed, and have only been honked at twice during my entire driving career. So far.

I heart this car!

I started driving when I was fifteen. Illegally. Not sure if I should've said that, but there it is. Shh... My parents trusted me for a good reason. I was responsible and reasonably intelligent, if not incredibly. Lol, I kid. Anyway, I was entrusted with the family car because at the time, my dad was working in the States, my brother was away at university, and with the need to lug ten tonnes of textbooks home, my parents thought it a better idea to just teach me how to drive so I don't further wreck my back (something I might write about later) by carrying so much crap. I was also responsible for getting groceries with my mom during that time. 

I remember very clearly, the first time I ever sat behind the steering wheel. It was a very scary experience for me because my mom has gotten into car accidents before, when she was in Taiwan, one of which was bad enough that she needed skin grafting on her foot. (By the way, none of them were her fault -- there are a lot of careless drivers in Taiwan, for instance, a drunk truck driver was the cause of my mom needing that foot surgery). Needless to say, my idea of driving was not a very good one... Especially when my mom doesn't drive anymore because she's afraid... We practiced in a school parking lot, North Surrey, if I remember correctly. (Or was it Green Timbers? Fraser Heights? I don't know.) We drove a Ford Mercury Sable back then. With a green interior and exterior, lol. I loved that car. It was my first car. I remember the accelerator being sensitive, as we jerked forward even when I stepped on the pedal ever so gently. "Always step on the pedal as if there is an egg underneath it," my father advised me. So I drove around in a circle a couple of times before I stopped and switched seats with my dad because the students were off school.

The more familiar I got with driving, the more confident I became with my driving that driving to and from school was a breeze. And when my mom got a part-time job as a sales adviser at the mall, I often drove her home as well. Still illegally, by the way, lol.

Knowing that I could get into immense trouble for this, I drove my friends home too, sometimes. Even though my parents warned me that I shouldn't. Hey, that's the best thing about being a teenager -- being rebellious, lol. I think the closest that I ever came to getting into an accident was when it was raining very heavily this one day after school. My best friend was sitting shotgun, and I needed to make a left turn. With visibility decreased and the traffic being very crowded (what with all the parents picking their children up from school), I saw an opening and I went for it. I didn't hit anything or even got honked at, but when I straightened up after turning into the lane, there was suddenly a truck next to me. Which freaked me out because I didn't see it. I mean, I wasn't being careless, I paid attention, but the truck's presence (perhaps it sped up next to me as I straightened up) made me ask my friend, "Hey, did you notice that truck before?" Well, obviously I didn't hit it because we didn't feel any impact, but yeah. Lol, so silly.

When I turned sixteen, I went for the written portion of the exam. I barely studied for it because I was cocky. Since, you know, I've been driving consistently for like a year. So I just barely passed the exam, lol. Phew. And after that, they test your vision and that's when I realized I needed glasses because I couldn't see a damn thing in the microscope-y thing they have you look into and read the numbers you see out loud. I told the person, "I don't see anything. Are you sure this isn't broken?" So the guy comes over and looks into it and was like, "Yeah, I see numbers, yeah." Super lame.

So after I got my glasses, I went back and finished the eye test and got my Learner's license. Sweet! And then time came when I went for my New driver's license.

That wasn't as fun.

First of all, my parents thought that I should get some proper lessons before I went for my test. Some fine tuning. Anyway, it was a family friend. He was mean to me! I think it's because I consistently showed up his kids with my grades that he found the need to criticize me for everything I did. It was not a fun experience at all. And I think I cried afterwards...

My exam date came up and I went to my exam... and failed. *takes a deep breath here*

Let me just say, when I was sixteen, I felt invincible, lol. Failure was not something known to me. I was ambitious and a go-getter and I was always successful. So me failing my first driving test hit me pretty hard. Especially when I know I am, at the very least, a decent driver. Otherwise I would've gotten into multiple accidents already.

So here is what happened. It was all going smoothly. I was told to always be at the speed limit because examiners like to nitpick at everything and very much liked to fail people. Everything went well until we were waiting at a T-intersection with no lights. From my lane, you could only turn left or right and my examiner wanted me to turn left. I don't know why I was impatient at that moment because I used to have the patience of a saint, no jokes, lol. I thought I'd pull something smart and decided to cut the line and do my left turn (since there were two lanes going into the left). So I did that, after doing the usual observations of course... except one of the cars from the side that I was going into, decided to be impatient too and use the lane I was turning into to cut in front of the car in front of him. Basically, we would've crashed head onto one another had we both not braked in time. Here, I've included a diagram for your better understanding.

I don't remember what was going on but none of the cars were moving and there was no construction stopping cars from moving... Lol, I find it funny that I can still remember the guy's expression through his window. He was like :O. Hahaha... Anyway. That's the reason why I failed my first driving exam. Because I committed a "dangerous maneuver." *sigh* Yeah, I cried after this too, lol. But the thing was, I should be merited for my calm and for getting out of situation without a scratch. I know, I know, I should've waited and I've been kicking myself ever since, okay? I think it's because my dad sets a bad example for me, lol. He does this all the time!

So, *clears throat* I went for my second driving test. I failed that too because my driving examiner this time (a fat, probably racist, Caucasian guy) had me parallel park next to a hill that had no curbs. It's important to mention that it was spring time and there was frost on the ground. After I parallel parked, my examiner got out and saw that my right back tire (by the mark left in the frost) had gone up the hill a teensy-weensy bit, so he failed me for it. -__- I'll never understand why parallel parking is given such importance, because let me tell you what I did for my parallel parking in my third (and final, thank God) exam.

For my third exam, my old neighbour accompanied me to it because my dad was busy. I was pretty nervous by then and I remember getting yelled at by him for going too fast, lol. I practiced some parallel parking with him beforehand since we arrived a little too early for my exam.

My examiner this time was a woman. She was pretty nice and I felt a little bit more at ease. It was an autumn and rainy day, so I had the heater on to prevent the windows from fogging up. I think the heat gave her a headache, lol. I remember there was this one curved road I was driving on and I was trying my hardest to keep speed limit and I kept accelerating and braking to maintain it and she was like, "Can you stop doing that, please?" And I was like >.> "Ok, sorry." I guess she didn't really care, lol. Near the end of the exam, she had me parallel park at this spot behind a car and it was a spot not sandwiched between cars. So all I did was just pull up behind that car, haha. Yes!

So I passed and I think she was glad it was over because of her headache. With my N, I can then take up to one passenger (that is not in one's immediate family), legally. So I'd often pick up my friends walking to school and whatnot.

Oh, there was another time when I almost got into an accident. Not with a car though, but rather an obstruction sign, lol. I was driving home during my spare block because it was the last block of the day and I wanted to go home early. And as I'm driving (with another friend in shotgun), I wasn't paying attention because he was talking and pointing something out to me that I almost drove the car into this obstruction sign on an island. Oops. But I didn't. Because I swerved back in time. Phew.

After I graduated high school, I didn't drive for almost a year because I had gone to Toronto for school. That summer though, I drove on the highway for the first time. On my *thinks* 19th birthday? I was taking my mom to a sushi buffet in Richmond. It was nerve-wrecking. At this one intersection where the light had just turned yellow, I couldn't decide whether to wing it or to stop because I was driving at 60km/h. I decided that it'd be better to stop so I stopped and I almost made my mom jam her lipstick up her nose. >.> But we got there just fine. Definitely something memorable for my 19th birthday. Speaking of my 19th birthday, there was also something else memorable that happened night, also involving driving, but I wasn't the driver, lol. I'll probably write about that at a later date.

Oh oh, something else. Almost every week, I had to drive to this place because I was taking calculus online when I was in Gr.12 (I had a falling out with my calculus teacher (if you can even call him one -- maybe I'll rant about this in another post too, lol) at my high school). I was horribly sick when I was in Gr.12... probably had a persistent cold for like 10 months of the year. Every time I got better, I'd get sick again, *snaps finger* like that. Anyway, because I was taking calculus at this online school, it meant that I had to drive to the school to take my exams. After I had taken my exam that day, I was going to drive home, but being all congested and tired, I kept, repeatedly, backing up into this boulder in the parking lot, lmao. To be fair, it was a crappily designed parking lot -- very small and narrow. Who puts boulders in parking lots?! And with me being... not of the "right" mind, lol, I just couldn't get my angle right to back out and drive off. That was pretty funny. I didn't really damage (I scrapped it a little) my car though because I didn't lose my mind enough to stomp on the accelerator as I backed out.

Then university happened. With me being out of province and away from home, it meant that I didn't drive for about 4 years. Circumstances just didn't give me an opportunity to get behind the wheel. Until I was done school. When my dad came to pick me up and drive my crap down to Philadelphia, I drove for the first time in 4 years. Nervous? Definitely. I kept wiping my hands on my pants because my palms were getting sweaty. And my hands hurt after because I was gripping the steering wheel much too tightly.

Then of course came the long distance driving trip from Philly to my current home... And since then I've only driven twice. I'm a nervous driver now. Lost all of my confidence... It's another sad thing really. It also makes me miss the public transportation that made traveling to places easier when I was in Toronto...

Hmm, I thought of a happier way to end this post than it currently stands, lol. Yes, I've been thinking of writing this post for a while and haven't gotten to it until now so I've forgotten how I was going to end this.

Oh oh, I remember my first drive in snow. Had to drive to school. My dad told me to just drive slow and to be careful. And I did and I was. When I came home, my dad said he was watching me from upstairs and he laughed because I went so much slower than he wanted me to. But that's how I am. I am careful. Lol. I think I drove at like 10km/h the entire way. That was funny...

Okay. I don't know how to end this post. Except that I think I proved myself not one of these drivers. Hahahaha! Okay. This is how I'm going to end this post...

Boobz.

Memories I - On Singing

As I was sitting in the car today, listening to the radio, I'm reminded of the time when I auditioned for vocal jazz at my high school... because Bryan Adams' song, "Heaven"  was playing and that was the song I chose for the "freestyle" part of the audition. (Well I actually sang the song in this key...)

I remember how nervous I was because I'm rather shy, so singing in public is definitely not my forte. But I used to be brave. So I sucked it up. (Well, it's also that I wanted to impress the drummer for vocal jazz, haha.) The first part involved singing music that my band teacher handed out. It was a song called "Puttin' on the Ritz." One page. It was rather simple, but I practiced for hours with my keyboard so I'd hit each note perfectly.

As for the second piece that we were allowed to choose ourselves, I was undecided for the longest time on it. I remember wanting to sing Delta's "Not Me, Not I" (it was my favourite song at the time) or Delta's "Be Strong." They're all ballads, so... 

On the day of the audition, I was the last one to go because I was beyond nervous. I remember having the pianist press the C key over and over again because being so nerve-wrecked, I had trouble hitting the note right, haha. But I finally did it because everyone else who auditioned before me were all waiting... I think I really surprised my band teacher, lol. He had that impressed look (not unlike Obama's "Not Bad" face, lol) and commented, "Wow. That was good." Then everyone started urging me to sing my other piece, but I was about to pass out so I said that I was unprepared. Then they kept telling me to wing it and I was like "No." So I got lucky and was able to reschedule the second part.

After some fumbling about, I decided on "Heaven," and went into my band teacher's office that day after school. I remember that he was busy with something and he had his back turned to me while I announced that I was here to do my audition. He didn't really say anything (awkward, lol, I think he probably forgot) so I mumbled that I was going to sit down while I sang because I was feeling light-headed. I then started singing... probably after the first verse, he turned around, looked at me and sort of scolded me and told me to stand up while I sang, lol. And so I did and ended the song after I finished the second chorus... It was still super awkward because he went back to doing his thing, as if I'm his radio or something. So then I mumbled that I was done and thanked him for listening and shuffled out of his office.

About halfway through that audition, my dear friend (actually a bunch of my friends came and expected to watch me audition because they thought it'd take place in the band room like last time and they really wanted to hear me sing -__- lol) walked into the hallway outside my band teacher's office and listened to me sing. I remember her giving me the thumbs up as she stood there and listened and I almost wanted to laugh while I sang.

A day or two after, my band teacher posted the list of names of people that made it... My name was the first one under the "Altos" section. It was a really happy day. One I'll never forget...

...I grew up listening to this station called 103.5 qmfm. It plays a lot of soft rock, pop... well you know what, that station plays a lot of different genres. I really enjoy it. As I was listening to it today, I remember how much I used to enjoy a lot of songs like, The Eagles' "Hotel California." I don't know why I liked that song so much, being at the age that I was. There was something mystical, something haunting about that song that frightened me... I guess that's what I loved about it. I also really enjoyed Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." Hahaha, that song always makes me laugh and makes me want to dance. Boogey down! I also remember that I hated Macy Gray's "I Try" song. I don't know, maybe it was the screechy violin opening or her voice, but I just did not like it when that song would come on the radio station. It scared me for some reason. I also didn't like Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive." I like this song slightly better now though, lol.

I feel the need to tell another story whenever I think about 103.5 qmfm. They used to have (actually, I'm not sure if they still have it or not) this segment on friday nights where they play songs by request and they sometimes add in a little story that has to do with why the person requested the song. Anyway. Being a young girl that I was, I was not impervious to the boy band fever, so at the time, I wanted to listen to *NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye." (My favourite, by the way, is JC and not Justin. *wink*) Lol, so I wrote in, pretending I was somebody else, requesting that they play this song because I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, "Josh." Hahaha and they played it! I remember the radio host was all like, "Good luck to you guys..." before he played the song. It was super hilarious, I was jumping around in my room.

Years passed and a lot of the radio hosts that I used to listen to and grown familiar with their voices have apparently left... It's kind of sad. But with memories like these, it doesn't seem so sad afterall...

Things I Miss About Toronto...

I was watching a talk show with my parents this morning and it inspired me to do this post. They were talking about what ambiance, food, drinks they like at cafes, and it made me miss Second Cup. So I thought I'd put together a list of things I missed about Toronto, so I don't forget, and maybe one day when I go back, I can revisit them.

Background:
I've lived in Toronto for five years (four of those in the heart of the downtown area... I spent my first year at the Mississauga campus). Although I hated it (mainly because of the extreme weather and some crappy experiences), I still had some good times living there. It's where I sort of grew up as an individual (emphasis on "sort of," haha). What I loved most about living in such a big city is learning the knowledge of its streets and becoming familiar with particular spots that I enjoyed going. It made me feel like the city is mine.
Anyway, get on with it!
*Warning: a lot of food-related things and restaurants will be mentioned.

1. I miss being able to walk everywhere
2. I miss the creepy, smelly subway (mainly because I actually learned how to take it, lol, and it helped me with my NSEW bearings)
3. I miss Harbourfront (and taking the University St. down) and its diamond waters
4. I miss Second Cup's London Fog, ginger snap cookies (I miss the one particularly on College St.)
5. I miss the Starbucks on the corner of St. George and College
6. I miss the Tim Hortons on the corner of College and Spadina -- a large French Vanilla, hot chocolate, Iced Capp, honey-glazed donut please!
7. I miss the Burger King on the corner of College and Spadina
8. I miss the little convenience store called College Variety on College with the nice Korean store keepers
9. I miss the laundromat, Konnichiwa Japanese restaurant with their super delicious Katsu Don and Udon, John's Italian Caffe with their seafood linguini and tiramisu, Sambuca's prix fixe menu, the little video store, all situated on Baldwin St. 
10. I miss the Village Idiot Pub and their Fruli strawberry beer
11. I miss the Lucky Moose Mart and everything Taiwanese that they sell there, oh and the Jasmine Green Tea!
12. I miss the shady Barbeque Pork place on Spadina
13. I miss the Thai restaurant near the Kensington Market that had the best Thai Iced Tea
14. I miss the TD bank on the corner of Spadina and Dundas, as much as I hated it
15. I miss walking past the Robarts library
16. I miss the Blockbuster on Spadina that closed down even though I was their best customer
17. I miss the upstairs Pho place on Spadina
18. I miss the Vietnamese restaurant on Spadina and their Hai Nan chicken with the divine rice with veggies
19. I miss the Arton Bead store and the Icing bead store on Queen St.
20. I miss all the clothing stores and boutiques on Queen St.
21. I miss the Crepe Cafe on Queen St. that served the best paninis and savory crepes 
22. I miss the Chapters on the corner of the-streets-I-can-never-remember-the-name-of and the Scotia Bank theatre right next to it 
23. I miss the Metro, formerly known as Dominion, at the corner of College and University and getting cans and cans of Campbell's Garden Minestrone Soup and salami and Perrier
24. I miss the drugstore above the Metro where I'd spend hours looking at makeup
25. I miss the Baskin Robbins at the Village Grange 
26. I miss walking past the police stations on Dundas, College (lol, men in uniform *wink*)
27. I miss walking to class, especially to Victoria College, Rm. 101, where the early morning light would come in at a slant through the windows and set the dust a-dancing
28. I miss the Eggsmart place that served breakfast and brunch, which had the best freshly squeezed orange juice
29. I miss the Little India restaurant on Queen St. and their Butter Chicken, na'an, and lamb biryani dishes, oh and the mango juice
30. I miss walking to Eaton Centre and the World's Biggest Bookstore 
31. I miss the bubble tea place on Yonge St. 
32. I miss seeing the very awkwardly structured ROM on Bloor St. 
33. I miss seeing all the tall buildings and expensive people (lol) on Bloor St. 
34. I miss the Loblaws at the corner of Christie and Dupont
35. I miss being able to see the CN Tower from my bedroom window when I lived on Ross St.
36. I miss Big Fat Burrito and their root beer

That's all I can think of at the moment. I probably missed some things so I'll continue to add them as they come to mind. I think above all, I miss the freedom to wander. Peripatetic walking is the best. 

Carved In Trees, Pt. VI

By this time, I have found stability,
Regained some sort of equilibrium
With myself, my studies, my life
But I'm still a wanderer of love
Lost in its wonder and beauty

Although I am fascinated with love
And all its endearments,
I'm rather blind and oblivious
To the efforts of the opposite sex,
Unless they are arrow blunt

So when I actually realized
That I was being pursued by him
It caught me by surprise, a happy surprise,
And we laughed about it, about how
I didn't even know I was on a date with him

It started out rough and I didn't know why
But the fights came wave upon wave,
Exasperation held us both hostage
And we almost snapped love in two,
Almost, but we overcame it somehow

And for months, we were each other's
Best friends, shoulders, and embraces,
We held hands and laughed
Like it was no one's business and it was happiness
On a level I've never experienced before

He introduced me to new things which I still love now
And taught me things I would've never known
With him, I grew as a person,
And I can never thank him enough
For being in my life

But life likes to play cruel jokes on you
Making you experience
Equal parts of happiness and sadness
And so we entered yet another period of darkness,
A darkness that will linger forever

...Because the secret was made known,
Chaos ensued and my newel was broken...
I shall not draw in detail those days
For it's too difficult for me to do so,
But to put it simply, everything shattered

Hints of the happy days were gone
And I tried to make the best of things
But I couldn't, I can't...
And I lost hope in him
Because he couldn't help me, when I asked for it

All these doubts came flooding in,
As I looked at the man I professed utter love for
He made me fall for him, but couldn't catch me when I fell
I no longer know what to believe in, for I've lost conviction,
And these doubts conquered me

For days and days, I've sat, silent
And unmoving in the sun, watching the memories fade
We drifted both in person and in spirit
Our conversations are civil, but things have changed,
Still, I walked alone... but my love, now guarded.

*

I don't know why I wrote this series of poems, but I felt compelled to somehow. 
These stories, my stories, are written, I guess, so I can deal with the emotions that were never properly dealt with. 
And these... influential people... whether we had something official or not, taught me something about love. Romantic love, to be specific. 
And it doesn't matter how it ended, because I appreciate them either way. 
Though their names were once carved in trees with mine own in a heart, their names will forever be etched in my heart.

Carved In Trees, Pt. V

I want to say, very badly,
That our heroine found
Someone she trusted
And that trusted her back
And that they lived
Happily ever after...

But true stories
Never end that way.

This love was set against
A backdrop of silent despair
Because she was traveling yet another new road
And she stumbled more than she walked
He was someone she had always heard of
And when they finally met, it was sparks

The attraction was mutual
The conclusion, not, for they never amounted to anything

He hurt her badly with his cruel words
His true intentions, unknown,
And she gave him more time than she should have
In the end, he tried to make amends
But you can never truly fix cracked glass,
You can never take back what you said

The feeling that you have lost love on someone
Is one that I hope no one else will ever experience

Carved In Trees, Pt. IV

Here, is where the next part of my story
Shall begin, for it's another beginning --
The same path that used to be gravel and pebbles,
Is now cement, and I've traveled to a new world

My heart has never been at such a discord
Leaving home, leaving familiarity behind
For strangers, for the mysterious, for chance,
It is the feeling of hot water on cold skin

I held no expectations, I carried no baggage
Except for my fire and my empty pail
It was a world without boundaries
I was a bird that had taken flight

The truth is, I was overwhelmed
I drank in all the colours and lights
And I danced mindlessly and I didn't mind
I held no reserves and nothing held me back

I cannot say for sure that I did not lose myself
But I did lose that ambition I've had for so long
Because suddenly there was so much
That I had not experienced, I had not seen

And suddenly, I held many heart strings in my hands
And I did not know what to do with them
Flattered by their attention and their fight
I gently set them free in the wind

What unfolded, was him
So smart, stoic, strong
The kindest man I'll ever meet
The first kiss I'll ever experience

I was the fir seed that spun
While he was the branch that swayed lightly
To him, I was the spark that set the forest on fire,
He loved the life that I was

To say the end was my fault
And you would be partially right
Because even though I've walked this far
The childish parts of me did not change

When you love someone
You pour hope into them
You hold their hand,
In hopes of their return of a tight grip

Jealousy is a wretched thing
It eats you away and is not afraid to show its face
You are the victim, but it also makes you the culprit
And you are torn apart by yourself

But you also tear love apart...
I teared that love apart and I was sorry for it
He was sorry that he handed me the tools to destroy it
Years passed, forgiveness melted love back to friendship

And I am fortunate, if I may say,
So very fortunate.

Carved in Trees, Pt. III

She chased him down,
Because that's how badly
She wanted to know him.

Her bravery has not diminished
Still a wild child with a flirtatious smile,
She did frivolous things to catch his attention

If her past is any indication
What she strives for, she succeeds,
Secretly hiding her blue ribbon in his book

Saturday was the best day those years
Because it was when she gets to see him
Those days, tucked away safely in her mind

As they slowly transitioned from
Strangers to friends
Her love for him grew

Those late night chats,
Those quirky remarks,
Those happy moments,

Oh, he'll always be special to her,
The boy with the code name,
The boy who remained.

Carved in Trees, Pt. II

Some years passed and I survived the fallout
By devoting myself to my craft and books
And I excelled at them, craving knowledge,
I won many races, my sixteenth year of life,
I pushed hard and I reveled in my success
And I was happy, fulfilled, at peace.

Amidst the pages of words and numbers,
The resounding laughter of my friends and I,
He found me, I found him, we found each other,
And thus, began the secrecy I will hide for years,
But at the time, nothing else mattered,
At the time, I was just a girl who simply loved.

I can still remember his cologne, it's his scent,
And how our friends poked fun at us,
How we would tell each other everything,
But be so shy when we held hands
I remember smiling big, when he came to walk me
To my next class, when he embraced me...

But alas, this does not end with a "Happily ever after,"
For we were torn apart by the withering of our fire
School occupied our time, the secret burdened my heart,
For how could I not tell my family the reason for my happiness?
And I cannot forget the day it ended, nor the day it started,
And though what we had was delightful, I lost a friend.

Carved in Trees, Pt. I

It was the crossing of a bridge in life
It was the first step of an untrodden road 
The excitement filled me with dread
As it is with anything mysterious and unknown
But then I was a child, ambitious and brave,
My mind untainted, my heart whole,
And love ran wildly and ferociously within me 
I was bold in my ways, fearless with my wants,
For all I know of love then, were from love songs

I saw him and I knew it was heartache
But I was oh so very carefree and naive
So I dove in heart first, without bounds,
And with my childlike faith, silly endeavours,
He soon became my every day,
And I, someone who more than intrigued him,
But I was young, who foolishly believed in perfection,
Always wanting more, demanding more, that he now
Will only ever be known as my first love, and nothing more. 

Darkness

The days are forever ending
Pretending, covered up motives
Noctural spirits awake
Ocean skies, washed up
With a cup of black silence

I am built with hands of deceit and fear
Diseased, born with a rare haemophilia
Bleed with nausea and emotions
Offerings to this darkness of the world
Feed upon my sins

Released yet held prisoner, bind to guilt
Betrayed by my conscience
Assumptions holds me by a thread of string
Fallen, falling so deep
Thoughts and knowledge that don't belong to my mind

The world is an incredibly lonely place
Reaching for comfort that was never there
Everyone's shield with careless cold
All I know of love, is sadness
Extinct is halcyon 

And the world is an extremely cruel place
Corruptions allure, insatiable to power
Adapting to it turns me against myself
My heart ripped out, they are laughing manically,
Smearing its blood on the walls of mockery

I don't mean to criticize
But God, do you have eyes?
I doubt He does because His replies for me
Are only in forms of consequences
Agony and injustice prevails

There's no need to shield our children's eyes
We've killed and poisoned our futures
This is our punishment for our behavior;
Plagued with troubles and illness
Building our world upon faltered hope

We live time's life,
Living in heartbeats
Fast pulse, slow rhythm, stop
Mirror images don't last
Fogged up, shattered...

Moths, minions of dark covers up the pure radiance
We destroyed the light switch
Hecate's reign, trip to Hades, when will we realize?
Everything's slowly melting away
Like venomous ice cube, find the antidote

Words seep from my hands
Sealed and empty are my lips
Beautiful sorrows are all I could think of
Driven anticipation, this is the end
I'd rather be mute, perhaps then you could hear

The shadows of fate
Lurking around the corner
Immune to our blank words
Useless are our absent actions
Praying for a miracle

Headstrong, I have faith in goodness
But there are nights, walks in mist, worrying
Rain drops mix with my tears
Its recipe of sympathy, I consumed
Inspirational feelings...

And I'll always be trying
Retrieving light from our dark world
Eternal darkness, eternal darkness is us,
In us, burning forests, dying souls,
Saying peace with ease when we are lying
A little girl's nightmare of her parents
Contaminated air, full of unbelievable dishonesty, we breath in

A desperate reporter's made-up story, for fame
A proud king's status, to gain more, for supremacy
A needy thief's thirst for what he cannot get, for wealth
Us, when we know the dangers and effects of our actions, we still do.

Darkness has us locked up
Blind to our surroundings
Truth unfolds, regret rises
Selfish broken hearts, undo the past
Killers cry politely, seasons die
Clinch chance, rewrite this potential story
A new day, sunrise... 

This poem was written on December 23rd, 2005, in my notebook labeled "Anthology Pt 2.7." It's the first poem in the book. I've thought much about this poem while I was away from home because I remember the fervor and passion with which I wrote those words. It's the first poem where I really spoke my mind about this world that we live in.

It may seem unpolished and green to others, and yes, I think it's downright bad and awkward, but it remains one of my favourites, simply because I wrote it when I was still one who had faith despite the darkness. And I gave those words my ardor.

Our bodies are much like words -- just vessels, mediums, vehicles carrying purpose, meaning, and potential. Even with just one word, it can transform the meaning, the fluidity, the beauty of the sentence.

I have not edited this poem for this post (although I very much wanted to) -- every word is as it was 7 years ago.  

Gratitude

The memories and feelings I had of you
Are now like pressed leaves
Dried and easily crumbled,
Tucked away in the pages of a heavy book,
Made to remember, but soon forgotten.

What we had was a strudel of time,
Made with layers and layers of words,
Filled with a bittersweet reality,
Baked in an oven of emotions,
And you ate it all up, 'till we were gone.

Like any person in my life,
You were a drop of dye
In my cup of water,
Changing the person I am,
But you stained my glass.

I had such a childlike faith
Believing that I could make a difference,
That I could better things
And just when I thought I was,
I failed.

In times of disaster
One could only hope
To have something
To hold onto, to keep afloat
But you were nowhere to be seen.

Only to appear and chastise me for wanting
That childlike faith back,
And I quivered like the candlelight,
Afraid of that one breath...
My light, was extinguished.

I was kept alive for torture
Because once you've decided
That I was unworthy of leaving
You refused to see anything else,
You chose to forget the good.

These fueled my want of death's comfort
As I can no longer battle in the dark.
And I hurt myself, stepping over
My broken spirit, my broken mind,
My broken heart.

You made me understand
What kind of a person you were,
Just how broken you were,
But you can't keep me here
By making me the same as you.

You can't hurt me
And expect me to stay.

I don't know how I survived
And perhaps life was kinder to me
Than it was to you.
Surely none of us deserve this pain,
But who gave you the right to impose it on me?

I could be angry,
I could be sad,
I could be holding a grudge,
Still.
But I am not.

Because you made me realize things
That I would not have discovered by myself,
So I want to thank you,
For helping me write this fable.
You were a lesson I needed to learn.

Thank you for making me realize
That my tears are my passion overflowing
From a bubbling and boiling concoction
Within, heated by things I saw and witnessed.
And though those hot tears sear my skin

The pain I feel, makes me more human
Than I can be without them.
The clarity I can see with after the storm
Is worth the pain,
Is worth all of this that transpired.

And though the lessons were long and tough
Your repeated assaults have taught me
That if I stopped caring, it doesn't make me less of a person,
That I should not have to suffer and agonize
Over your unhappiness, or over anyone else's.

So, thank you, in the end.

Heart: Offline

The spark traveled down your hand
From your mind, electrifying pulse,
And as your fingers touched mine
I felt the jolt, the flutter of the heart,
Twirling electrons in the air.

But some things happened,
Our signals disrupted,
Tangled in wires and chaos
The zeros and ones ceased their march,
The glow around the heart faded.

Like Light Penetrating the Water

I've been drowning for so long
Since you left my life,
Oh, you've been such a part of my life,
I don't think I ever recovered from you.
I didn't hesitate in saying that I loved you,
And I still don't hesitate now.
There were dark words that I said
Which I meant at full force then,
That I wish I could take back now.
Then and now,
Some things have changed,
Some things remain the same,
So it's no wonder
That I felt such an uncanniness
When I finally saw you again.
I didn't think much of it at first
But the hard punch to my heart did
I looked at you with a questioning look
My instincts telling me to try to figure it out,
Talk about fate, for on this day,
It would have been a year since I first met you.
I still think of you often,
But I'm afraid to think too deeply
For I fear the stirring up of the sea floor,
Fogging up the water that I worked so hard to settle.
The coldness of the water made me numb,
But I still remember too much to forget,
And perhaps you still think me heartless,
But you are you to me, all along.