Mirror

Hearts are sometimes like mirrors;

 How they transform, when destroyed.

The shards reflect 

The breakage.

And picking up the pieces

Will make you bleed.

Everything has a darker outlook,

And it looms over you, like a curse.  

And it's bad luck,

Should you ever wish for wholeness again.

Perspective

And you wondered to yourself, how you ever let her fade away from you like that...

...That was the original intent of this hand drawing. But the more I drew, the more that intent dissipated... Perhaps the optimistic side of me has been battling the pessimistic side of me... This drawing could also have a hopefulness to it too -- it is not a disappearing of, but rather, a formation of. He is not letting her go... It is with his touch, his open hand, that she is becoming whole again, real again... I like both meanings, though I am probably leaning more toward the positive one at the moment because my mood is fairly neutral, with a tint of peacefulness. It will probably change to the more negative connotation when I feel down. For now though, I am enjoying its sweeter interpretation. ...And no, I haven't been hand-obsessed lately... *shifty eyes*

A Murder of the Heart

The wrath of a kind-hearted person
Is a terrible thing to behold,
For if you can set fire to the rain,
It will burn the world.

The cold of a loving person
Is an ever-lasting frost,
It is the dying light of the day,
It is the knowledge that the warmth will never return.

The resignation of a giving person
Is the drought when you are dying of thirst,
It is the water you let go to waste;
We always miss the things we never properly appreciate.

The absence of a caring person
Is an eternal darkness,
It is the love generously given to you,
Gone forever.

To the East of Eden

I think the world of you
But I wonder if your world
Even has me in it,
So I take a bite
Out of the apple
In your outstretched hand.
I lick the corner of my mouth
While you stare hungrily,
Eyes beckoning me to join you. 
And loving you, is
Taking another step in the dark
Towards the precipice.
Each step has me
Shaking and uncertain,
But the danger, is alluring.

The Fall

I had originally planned for this to be a hopeful piece... until I realized that it could be incredibly sad too...

 I had a hard time drawing this, but I wanted to. So badly. 
I got frustrated with it at one point and just left it. Until today. 
I decided to add more dark hands and shading. 
I love shading. I like seeing the veins of the fibre in the paper appear, making it very alive somehow... 
Anyway. There is so much imperfection in this drawing and it didn't turn out exactly how I imagined it in my mind,
but it feels exactly the way I wanted it to feel...

And even though it can have two meanings, 
I so very badly want it to be the one of light. 
...I so very badly want her to be rescued... 
Even I am calling out to my own drawing,
"Please! You're so close. Just a little bit more and you'll have her! Hurry! Before it's too late!"...

Possessed

I've been trying so hard
But they've been there for so long,
I've been lying on the door
They've been wanting to burst through

...and I finally let them.

They erupt, being repressed for so long
A fast bullet of black ink,
Smoke in my cup of water
And I am changed.

Masquerade, Broken

I just suddenly had this urge to draw a masquerade mask. They're so pretty. But I struggled in how I want to draw it and what details I want it to have. That took a very long time. I made it easier for myself though because it's asymmetrical, haha! And then, it came to me -- I wanted it to be broken, right down the middle. To make the asymmetry more meaningful also. Thus, began the planning. I wanted the right half to be dark (the thorny vines and the decorative blood-drips at the far side). Lifeless. Twisted. Foreboding. Even menacing. ...But that becomes more life-like, holds promise, as it gets closer to the centre. The right side, is the opposite, representing life, light, growth (the butterfly wings, the bird, the leaves/petals around the eye, and curls at the end representing sun's light *shifty eyes* lol). And as it approaches the middle, the butterfly is without its body. 

 Where it is broken, there is a rose petal and a feather, from the two things that are closest to the centre (well the bird is flying towards the centre)... as if they materialized from the brokenness. Became real from the brokenness. And although the mask is broken, they are still tied together. I'm not sure what I want that to symbolize. I guess I still want to show that they are connected, despite being different, despite being disconnected, simultaneously.

The tendrils rising from the right side aren't just pencil marks. I'm not entirely sure why I felt compelled to add those in, as if the masquerade is a curse and it being broken, released something. 

I don't know. I drew this rather unconsciously, investing in it, meaning that is not entirely understood by even myself, the artist, hahaha. 

Perhaps I just want to show that there is more beyond life and death, two interconnected, yet very different things.

Polar

There is bitterness in the way I ball up my hands
Because I'm sad, because I'm angry, because
I'm trying hard to open up the shell
That you frightened me back into

There is a difference in our thoughts
Of who I should be,
And I don't know who to please
So I'm stuck in purgatory, where,

Yeah, the ghosts are haunting me,
The ghosts are haunting me,
And I'm in hiding. 

Raw

Your one single disapproval
Can deflate my entire being
And there is good reason for it
Because to me, you are everything
And I love you more than you'll ever know
Though those words have been spoken before
By poets and singers and lovers and even laymen,
I will say them forever with unchanging force
For I could not feel this way without you

Perhaps I hid too much of myself from you
For I hated people knowing my weaknesses
For I could not simply tell you how much I love
And it has always been this way and maybe will always be
So you go and fill my silences with your own thoughts and whispers
Thinking my silence means consent and indifference
And I somehow fooled myself into believing them to be true
When I feel completely the opposite of the emotions you cloaked me with
When I have not said those things you put in my mouth

You mistaken my pat on the back as a stab
And you took out your own knife and stabbed me
If you had loved me as you said, where did this blade come from?
And I'll never comprehend as I lie on the ground
Drinking the pool of blood around me to survive 
And I drain out the same blood I drank, and it goes on like this
For so long, I can no longer recall the passing of days
I wonder when it will end
I wonder if it'll be my end

Days pass and the sun occasionally shined
I sit up gingerly, afraid of opening the delicate wound
And it hurts if I move too quickly
And I sit there, mindlessly silent, afraid of stirring up
A storm with my tainted thoughts and feelings
And I sigh gently at the wound, knowing I'll always be reminded of it
I'll always be reminded of it
Even when I'm starting to smile again
I'll always be reminded of it

And I no longer have the control
I can't hold it in anymore
I hated to cry, I can't cry
In front of others, in front of you
But I do now and I can't help it
I have no more strength to hold up the wall
So easily crumbled, tattered smiles
The realization that I haven't been happy since before that time
This last piece to glue onto the shattered vase, causes the vase to fall apart once again

I'm crying so heavily and I don't know why
My mind is preventing me from understanding it all, from remembering it all
I gripped my hands hard, for it's what I do to combat pain
But it doesn't stop the tears, and that's when I realize that it doesn't hurt
I feel no pain
That's when it hit me, the wound opening
It's the same old thing to which I've taught myself to be numb about
I'm so numb, I don't even feel the blood flowing out anymore
And these tears rose from my unconscious

I will always know what kind of a person I am
But it's you shaking my foundation
Sending me flying into some identity crisis 
And I question myself endlessly
And I ask myself why everyday
I look in the mirror and hate the image
I look at my life in disgust and regret
Everytime I see the scar from that wound
But I'm still the same kid

I'm still the same kid who apologized to inanimate things she dropped accidentally
The kid who would remain silent than declare love loudly
The kid who wanted to prove to you, who strove to make you proud so you'd be happy
The same kid who cried breathlessly underneath blankets so you wouldn't hear her despair
The same kid who said bathroom prayers so you'd never find her praying for you
The same kid who hid behind a mask so you would not know about her sufferings
The same kid who did everything for your assurance
Just because I don't say a word, it doesn't make me a coward, it doesn't make me heartless
This is just the way I am, this is the way I grew up

Nothing I have ever said are meant to hurt
My words may wear the same mask that I do
But what they carry is what love I can confidently show
And I'm still afraid to break my own silence
Even knowing how you like to fill them
But I just can't, I just can't
I don't know where to start, afraid of the uncommon
And I fear my words will be mistook for arrows
I don't know if I can withstand another one of your attacks

So I'm still silent and withdrawn
With tears that flow from somewhere I have repressed
And I smile when I can, I laugh when I can
Because these are the emotions that managed to surface past the sad ones
And I'm grateful when they do
I'm still the same carefree child who just wants to be happy
But now I find myself, running to catch her
And now there are shadows where light used to be
And I fear one day, I'll be swallowed whole by this wound,
And losing myself, losing my love, to it. 

Cracked

In the end, nothing's changed.

This Was What You Wanted

You wanted to make me, a person as broken as you are
And I've become a person that I hate
You brought out in me, a side that I don't like,
A hatred and frustration served with cold words
And I didn't know I had the capacity to be this way
Day in and day out I question this split, this divide
Between who I thought I was and want to be,
And who you think I am and what your words made me out to be,
And your words carried more weight than my thoughts
So I am dragged down by their heaviness
Finally, I removed them from my chest and I can breathe again,
Clear headed, but still weary and worn, 
I hope what I write here will absorb all this that I feel
So I will not be burdened with them anymore.

Not Mine

I draw a line with my finger
Through your words on the whiteboard
Their mark on me do linger
So my mind and heart are in discord

The swirls of my fingerprint spell out
Some identity given to me
But I am filled with such doubt
I don't know who I am supposed to be

This is not my silence in the dark
I'm just a guest here
The conclusion is stark
Nothing here is mine, just fear.

Cold

You poured my tears
Into the ice cube tray
And jovially placed it
In the freezer

You froze my fears
So you can betray
Me with your cruel wit,
The greatest crowd pleaser

The truth, my dear
Those cubes on me you'll lay
One cold sear after another hit
And I live the ending of Caesar.

Composure

I'm wringing my hands so tightly, I'm close to breaking my fingers
So I'm clenching and digging into my thighs, in hopes of holding it all in
I'm trying to suppress my tears, but they erupt like strangled gasps
And I'm shaking with the emotions I refuse to let escape
Was it wrong for me to let myself become this way?
My heart hurts, but I don't know what it means anymore
How can I say anything more when I've already said all that I can
How can we solve the problem, when we only gleam its surface
Every time I'm happy, I'm reminded that I don't deserve to be
Because I'm the criminal in your mind and not an innocent child
Because all I wanted was to be something you cherish,
And my fatal mistake was not letting you know that.

Killer

I lay supine and I pine for you
I lay quiet in the dark room
And I touch my shadow on the wall
Cold and flat, alone
In the only light from my laptop
I touch my lips absentmindedly
And the smiles that were there
Are ghosts now
And the tears that roll down
Carry drowned memories in them
Breaking apart on fabric
And I knew from the start
That you'd cause me heartache
But my palms are still facing down
As I type, as I give you more
Than I should, like always
But I didn't mind
And I don't know why
My heart is open to you
But you tear it apart
As your paranoia cuffs my hands
And you accuse me of things
Like you've never known me
But you tell me to come to you
And I do, obediently,
And as I sob painfully into your chest
You press me into you, smothering,
Until I stop moving
And you lay me down gently,
Supine on the ground
And I'm still pining.

The White Room

I have walked the roads of my arteries and veins,
I have traveled from atop the grooved paths
Marked by the memories of the passing years and passersby,
To the lands that move, where lies the ten cold mountain peaks.
I have met all kinds of people, strange yet familiar,
And I have tasted what they tasted, smelled what they smelled,
That even on unexplored grounds, I feel uncannily at home, safe
Until I chanced upon a passage that led to a white room.
It is mysterious and boundless and ineffably warm,
Even with its bare walls that reflected white in no light,
It is nothing I have ever seen and everything I've seen,
I touched the walls gently, curiously, and it touched me back
I took a deep breath and shivered, and the walls fluttered
As if afraid, and closed up the opening from whence I came,
I was trapped and panicked as the walls started to quake,
So I bang on them, whose whiteness and blankness
Saturated my blinded eyes, until I bled.
I screamed and cried and all I could hear
Were unending echoes of my own screams and cries
Until I stopped and they desisted and became silent beatings.
I laid on the floor resigned and listless,
Listening to the drumming in my head,
Then I observed red seeping through the impenetrable walls,
And I was washed with and floated in waves of red,
I tasted of the blood and iron in my mouth,
And I finally realized and have always known where I was.
I came to investigate my heart and was trapped inside
Because it closed itself from you, and I came to
Understand, but was confused by all the contents removed.
My heart is an empty white room.

Play-Doh

You held me in your hands
And you dug your fingers
Into my flesh, leaving a mark there
Then you cover it up,
But I've felt it and I will always feel it.
You mold me into shapes
To your liking
And I am powerless against you,
Your domineering ways,
As I lay still in your hands.
You pry me open
And you are happy when you do so,
Hoping to find some secret,
But this is all I am,
But still, you put me through
Grueling processes and manipulations,
You breed guilt in me,
Then bleed me out to see its effects,
And one day, I won't cry anymore,
My tears will dry, my blood will dry.

A Misunderstanding

I am the contents of a glass you toppled over,
Rain splayed across your window,
You trace each droplet with your finger tip,
I can feel your warmth through the glass,
Until I disappear off of the surface,
Falling to darkness.

You turned and walked away,
Turning off the lights as the storm raged on.
I'm knocking on your window,
But you don't hear me amidst all other noises.
You think I have left you,
When I have the same thoughts about you too.

The swirling ceiling with crawling shadows,
Dance to my silent tears,
Performing an act of hypnosis, and
As I lay staring, hopelessly lost,
Tossed into the sea with a straitjacket on,
I wonder how you felt.

I am thrown into the depths of my mind,
I am held prisoner by realities that do not exist,
I dreamt of you, but I am afraid --
Guilt by the mistakes I did not make.
I am running from you,
In hopes you will choose to chase after me.

But when I turned around,
All I saw, was darkness.

Snow

I taste of the snowflake
That died on my lips
So cold and lifeless, as if fatigued
After traveling so far a distance
Like the scattering of the phoenix's ashes.
This is no well wrought urn
For kamikaze snowflakes,
Simply an anecdote,
Of my body's warm graveyard
For these pieces of fallen sky.

Ghost

My life is the toppled-over glass of water,
Impossible to recollect unless time can be rewound.

I hate this place but I can't leave,
Bounded by a paperless contract of obligation.

I am a broken Magic 8 ball,
My answers have even less meaning.

I am the descending snow mortalized,
Grounded then trampled black by thousands of feet.

Your words are like shit coming out of your intestines,
Fertilizing the pestilent weeds that strangle flowers.

I have become that insensitivity, the absence of
The tingling sensation when hot water runs over cold hands.

A person you deemed worthless
When did I die? I do not know.