Listening to your song,
Always elicits
Always triggers,
Those feelings in me.
Showing posts with label Bittersweet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bittersweet. Show all posts
June 20, 2015
February 15, 2013
Memories I - On Singing
As I was sitting in the car today, listening to the radio, I'm reminded of the time when I auditioned for vocal jazz at my high school... because Bryan Adams' song, "Heaven" was playing and that was the song I chose for the "freestyle" part of the audition. (Well I actually sang the song in this key...)
I remember how nervous I was because I'm rather shy, so singing in public is definitely not my forte. But I used to be brave. So I sucked it up. (Well, it's also that I wanted to impress the drummer for vocal jazz, haha.) The first part involved singing music that my band teacher handed out. It was a song called "Puttin' on the Ritz." One page. It was rather simple, but I practiced for hours with my keyboard so I'd hit each note perfectly.
As for the second piece that we were allowed to choose ourselves, I was undecided for the longest time on it. I remember wanting to sing Delta's "Not Me, Not I" (it was my favourite song at the time) or Delta's "Be Strong." They're all ballads, so...
On the day of the audition, I was the last one to go because I was beyond nervous. I remember having the pianist press the C key over and over again because being so nerve-wrecked, I had trouble hitting the note right, haha. But I finally did it because everyone else who auditioned before me were all waiting... I think I really surprised my band teacher, lol. He had that impressed look (not unlike Obama's "Not Bad" face, lol) and commented, "Wow. That was good." Then everyone started urging me to sing my other piece, but I was about to pass out so I said that I was unprepared. Then they kept telling me to wing it and I was like "No." So I got lucky and was able to reschedule the second part.
After some fumbling about, I decided on "Heaven," and went into my band teacher's office that day after school. I remember that he was busy with something and he had his back turned to me while I announced that I was here to do my audition. He didn't really say anything (awkward, lol, I think he probably forgot) so I mumbled that I was going to sit down while I sang because I was feeling light-headed. I then started singing... probably after the first verse, he turned around, looked at me and sort of scolded me and told me to stand up while I sang, lol. And so I did and ended the song after I finished the second chorus... It was still super awkward because he went back to doing his thing, as if I'm his radio or something. So then I mumbled that I was done and thanked him for listening and shuffled out of his office.
About halfway through that audition, my dear friend (actually a bunch of my friends came and expected to watch me audition because they thought it'd take place in the band room like last time and they really wanted to hear me sing -__- lol) walked into the hallway outside my band teacher's office and listened to me sing. I remember her giving me the thumbs up as she stood there and listened and I almost wanted to laugh while I sang.
A day or two after, my band teacher posted the list of names of people that made it... My name was the first one under the "Altos" section. It was a really happy day. One I'll never forget...
...I grew up listening to this station called 103.5 qmfm. It plays a lot of soft rock, pop... well you know what, that station plays a lot of different genres. I really enjoy it. As I was listening to it today, I remember how much I used to enjoy a lot of songs like, The Eagles' "Hotel California." I don't know why I liked that song so much, being at the age that I was. There was something mystical, something haunting about that song that frightened me... I guess that's what I loved about it. I also really enjoyed Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." Hahaha, that song always makes me laugh and makes me want to dance. Boogey down! I also remember that I hated Macy Gray's "I Try" song. I don't know, maybe it was the screechy violin opening or her voice, but I just did not like it when that song would come on the radio station. It scared me for some reason. I also didn't like Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive." I like this song slightly better now though, lol.
I feel the need to tell another story whenever I think about 103.5 qmfm. They used to have (actually, I'm not sure if they still have it or not) this segment on friday nights where they play songs by request and they sometimes add in a little story that has to do with why the person requested the song. Anyway. Being a young girl that I was, I was not impervious to the boy band fever, so at the time, I wanted to listen to *NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye." (My favourite, by the way, is JC and not Justin. *wink*) Lol, so I wrote in, pretending I was somebody else, requesting that they play this song because I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, "Josh." Hahaha and they played it! I remember the radio host was all like, "Good luck to you guys..." before he played the song. It was super hilarious, I was jumping around in my room.
Years passed and a lot of the radio hosts that I used to listen to and grown familiar with their voices have apparently left... It's kind of sad. But with memories like these, it doesn't seem so sad afterall...
I remember how nervous I was because I'm rather shy, so singing in public is definitely not my forte. But I used to be brave. So I sucked it up. (Well, it's also that I wanted to impress the drummer for vocal jazz, haha.) The first part involved singing music that my band teacher handed out. It was a song called "Puttin' on the Ritz." One page. It was rather simple, but I practiced for hours with my keyboard so I'd hit each note perfectly.
As for the second piece that we were allowed to choose ourselves, I was undecided for the longest time on it. I remember wanting to sing Delta's "Not Me, Not I" (it was my favourite song at the time) or Delta's "Be Strong." They're all ballads, so...
On the day of the audition, I was the last one to go because I was beyond nervous. I remember having the pianist press the C key over and over again because being so nerve-wrecked, I had trouble hitting the note right, haha. But I finally did it because everyone else who auditioned before me were all waiting... I think I really surprised my band teacher, lol. He had that impressed look (not unlike Obama's "Not Bad" face, lol) and commented, "Wow. That was good." Then everyone started urging me to sing my other piece, but I was about to pass out so I said that I was unprepared. Then they kept telling me to wing it and I was like "No." So I got lucky and was able to reschedule the second part.
After some fumbling about, I decided on "Heaven," and went into my band teacher's office that day after school. I remember that he was busy with something and he had his back turned to me while I announced that I was here to do my audition. He didn't really say anything (awkward, lol, I think he probably forgot) so I mumbled that I was going to sit down while I sang because I was feeling light-headed. I then started singing... probably after the first verse, he turned around, looked at me and sort of scolded me and told me to stand up while I sang, lol. And so I did and ended the song after I finished the second chorus... It was still super awkward because he went back to doing his thing, as if I'm his radio or something. So then I mumbled that I was done and thanked him for listening and shuffled out of his office.
About halfway through that audition, my dear friend (actually a bunch of my friends came and expected to watch me audition because they thought it'd take place in the band room like last time and they really wanted to hear me sing -__- lol) walked into the hallway outside my band teacher's office and listened to me sing. I remember her giving me the thumbs up as she stood there and listened and I almost wanted to laugh while I sang.
A day or two after, my band teacher posted the list of names of people that made it... My name was the first one under the "Altos" section. It was a really happy day. One I'll never forget...
...I grew up listening to this station called 103.5 qmfm. It plays a lot of soft rock, pop... well you know what, that station plays a lot of different genres. I really enjoy it. As I was listening to it today, I remember how much I used to enjoy a lot of songs like, The Eagles' "Hotel California." I don't know why I liked that song so much, being at the age that I was. There was something mystical, something haunting about that song that frightened me... I guess that's what I loved about it. I also really enjoyed Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." Hahaha, that song always makes me laugh and makes me want to dance. Boogey down! I also remember that I hated Macy Gray's "I Try" song. I don't know, maybe it was the screechy violin opening or her voice, but I just did not like it when that song would come on the radio station. It scared me for some reason. I also didn't like Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive." I like this song slightly better now though, lol.
I feel the need to tell another story whenever I think about 103.5 qmfm. They used to have (actually, I'm not sure if they still have it or not) this segment on friday nights where they play songs by request and they sometimes add in a little story that has to do with why the person requested the song. Anyway. Being a young girl that I was, I was not impervious to the boy band fever, so at the time, I wanted to listen to *NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye." (My favourite, by the way, is JC and not Justin. *wink*) Lol, so I wrote in, pretending I was somebody else, requesting that they play this song because I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, "Josh." Hahaha and they played it! I remember the radio host was all like, "Good luck to you guys..." before he played the song. It was super hilarious, I was jumping around in my room.
Years passed and a lot of the radio hosts that I used to listen to and grown familiar with their voices have apparently left... It's kind of sad. But with memories like these, it doesn't seem so sad afterall...
December 18, 2012
Heart Matters
I feel like only my heart has remain static
While everyone else's moved on without me
The jokes I am laughing at, ones I would five years ago,
Are met with a silent smile and I'm crestfallen inside.
While everyone else's moved on without me
The jokes I am laughing at, ones I would five years ago,
Are met with a silent smile and I'm crestfallen inside.
July 8, 2012
Letting Go
I've held on, so tightly, for so long
That I didn't even notice
The blood caked beneath my fingernails,
My hand that bled and dried every time
I think that I've lost conviction
In myself, in us, in life.
But now it's time to let go
Because the past betrayed me
And I believed in its promises,
Though it hurts to unbend the iron grip,
All I ended up seeing, is emptiness
In the palm of my hand.
That I didn't even notice
The blood caked beneath my fingernails,
My hand that bled and dried every time
I think that I've lost conviction
In myself, in us, in life.
But now it's time to let go
Because the past betrayed me
And I believed in its promises,
Though it hurts to unbend the iron grip,
All I ended up seeing, is emptiness
In the palm of my hand.
May 12, 2012
Residue
I cannot deny that I loved you once
You thought me the worst person and I believed it, still,
Because they were your words
I cannot deny that I love you still
But I am constantly reminded of those days
And I am overwhelmed by questions and regret
I cannot deny that some things remain always
The darker days gone, but these are the same tears,
My heart still spinning in the same spot
I cannot deny that I want to forget
But I still remember nonetheless
So you are a shadow I have to live with
You are a feeling that I live with.
You thought me the worst person and I believed it, still,
Because they were your words
I cannot deny that I love you still
But I am constantly reminded of those days
And I am overwhelmed by questions and regret
I cannot deny that some things remain always
The darker days gone, but these are the same tears,
My heart still spinning in the same spot
I cannot deny that I want to forget
But I still remember nonetheless
So you are a shadow I have to live with
You are a feeling that I live with.
May 9, 2012
Fade
"Your tough exterior houses a heart too good for this world,"
He tells me, breaking my walls, as he walks away.
These doors of my life, have opened and closed
And I don't know how to say goodbye anymore.
I want to open the window and breathe the air
But I fear the uninvited guests that crawl in,
So I'm leaving, I'm leaving all that behind
As I jump out of the window and onto the earth.
I wonder many things, as seconds tick away,
In tune with my step and my blood pounding,
I wonder if there is any part of the ground
That I tread, that has never been touched before.
So I'm walking, I'm walking 'till my bones break
And I'm drinking my blood to quench my thirst
My hair, wisps of smoke, intertwining with wind's hands,
And the moment I stop, is the moment my shadow fades into the dark.
He tells me, breaking my walls, as he walks away.
These doors of my life, have opened and closed
And I don't know how to say goodbye anymore.
I want to open the window and breathe the air
But I fear the uninvited guests that crawl in,
So I'm leaving, I'm leaving all that behind
As I jump out of the window and onto the earth.
I wonder many things, as seconds tick away,
In tune with my step and my blood pounding,
I wonder if there is any part of the ground
That I tread, that has never been touched before.
So I'm walking, I'm walking 'till my bones break
And I'm drinking my blood to quench my thirst
My hair, wisps of smoke, intertwining with wind's hands,
And the moment I stop, is the moment my shadow fades into the dark.
September 24, 2011
Left 4 Love
The sky was an unnatural gray with a tint of red,
Reflecting your decaying skin and all the recent blood shed,
I watched in unbearable horror as your head
Dipped down to your unmoving victim and you fed
And teared hungrily into her flesh, a mouthful of
Her heart, her blood covered your hands, a pair of red gloves.
I stood there, in the middle of the empty, glass-littered street,
Where smoke rose from buildings like arms in defeat,
And the overturned cars in lampposts were radiating heat,
Warming up the touches of winter's feet,
And though I was silent, there were sounds of absent screams
Ringing in my mind, enshrouding me like opaque steam.
I shivered and you caught my movement in the corner of your eye
You turned slowly and rose to your feet, and inside, I felt myself die,
I can never forget the moment you told me, I laughed thinking it was a joke, a lie,
And as the disease coursed through your body, we said our painful goodbye,
And I cried and cried and ran like you told me,
That you did not want me to see what you will be--
Come, your now apathetic eyes are whispering to me,
And I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, as if undersea,
You shuffled towards me, despite tripping over debris,
You reached out to touch me, but I uttered a soft plea,
I was afraid, but this time I will not flee,
For the sake of setting both you and I free.
I raised my arms shakily and pointed my gun,
Aimed for your head and you paused, stunned,
I stifled my cry, pulled the trigger, and suddenly, it was all done
I collapsed to the ground, becoming undone.
I looked over at your fallen body, forever dead, on the accumulating snow,
Crawled towards it and watched your blood flow with woe,
I hung my head and stared at your changed, yet familiar face,
Your opened eyes, a sorrow in them I wish I could erase,
Your blood-stained lips my fingers lightly traced,
The same blood that dotted my face which the gun displaced,
I placed my hand on your dead heart as the snowflakes fell,
The same bullet that went through you, went through me as well.
I stood up and beheld the cold sky stained red
I heaved a sigh and it materialized like the clouds overhead
I did not notice the tears on my cheek turning red as they thread
Over the blood that you have spread,
And I'll never forget the last words you said,
Your love, your smile, and with this, I look bravely ahead,
At the broken world for which you have bled.
Reflecting your decaying skin and all the recent blood shed,
I watched in unbearable horror as your head
Dipped down to your unmoving victim and you fed
And teared hungrily into her flesh, a mouthful of
Her heart, her blood covered your hands, a pair of red gloves.
I stood there, in the middle of the empty, glass-littered street,
Where smoke rose from buildings like arms in defeat,
And the overturned cars in lampposts were radiating heat,
Warming up the touches of winter's feet,
And though I was silent, there were sounds of absent screams
Ringing in my mind, enshrouding me like opaque steam.
I shivered and you caught my movement in the corner of your eye
You turned slowly and rose to your feet, and inside, I felt myself die,
I can never forget the moment you told me, I laughed thinking it was a joke, a lie,
And as the disease coursed through your body, we said our painful goodbye,
And I cried and cried and ran like you told me,
That you did not want me to see what you will be--
Come, your now apathetic eyes are whispering to me,
And I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, as if undersea,
You shuffled towards me, despite tripping over debris,
You reached out to touch me, but I uttered a soft plea,
I was afraid, but this time I will not flee,
For the sake of setting both you and I free.
I raised my arms shakily and pointed my gun,
Aimed for your head and you paused, stunned,
I stifled my cry, pulled the trigger, and suddenly, it was all done
I collapsed to the ground, becoming undone.
I looked over at your fallen body, forever dead, on the accumulating snow,
Crawled towards it and watched your blood flow with woe,
I hung my head and stared at your changed, yet familiar face,
Your opened eyes, a sorrow in them I wish I could erase,
Your blood-stained lips my fingers lightly traced,
The same blood that dotted my face which the gun displaced,
I placed my hand on your dead heart as the snowflakes fell,
The same bullet that went through you, went through me as well.
I stood up and beheld the cold sky stained red
I heaved a sigh and it materialized like the clouds overhead
I did not notice the tears on my cheek turning red as they thread
Over the blood that you have spread,
And I'll never forget the last words you said,
Your love, your smile, and with this, I look bravely ahead,
At the broken world for which you have bled.
June 5, 2011
Addicted
I'm stumbling towards a light in the fog
The fog seeps into my brain
The ship crashed into port
I lay among the wreckage
Smiling slightly at my fortune
As blood trickle down my face
I wiped it off and used it to draw
Your name and mine in the wet sand
A map that would lead me to your heart
And just when I thought everything was fine
I tripped and fell into a grave fit for me
And I lie there on the cool ground
Sinking, thinking, and dreaming
And I crawled slowly out of the hole
Towards your light and you open your arms,
A welcoming embrace, the right place
And when I got to you,
A familiar click, and darkness descends
And again, cyclically, I find myself restrained
And I struggled to find you,
And I just can't stay away,
I can't bear to stay away.
Hmm, I don't know why I keep using the drug analogy. Lol.
The fog seeps into my brain
The ship crashed into port
I lay among the wreckage
Smiling slightly at my fortune
As blood trickle down my face
I wiped it off and used it to draw
Your name and mine in the wet sand
A map that would lead me to your heart
And just when I thought everything was fine
I tripped and fell into a grave fit for me
And I lie there on the cool ground
Sinking, thinking, and dreaming
And I crawled slowly out of the hole
Towards your light and you open your arms,
A welcoming embrace, the right place
And when I got to you,
A familiar click, and darkness descends
And again, cyclically, I find myself restrained
And I struggled to find you,
And I just can't stay away,
I can't bear to stay away.
Hmm, I don't know why I keep using the drug analogy. Lol.
January 21, 2011
Snow
I taste of the snowflake
That died on my lips
So cold and lifeless, as if fatigued
After traveling so far a distance
Like the scattering of the phoenix's ashes.
This is no well wrought urn
For kamikaze snowflakes,
Simply an anecdote,
Of my body's warm graveyard
For these pieces of fallen sky.
That died on my lips
So cold and lifeless, as if fatigued
After traveling so far a distance
Like the scattering of the phoenix's ashes.
This is no well wrought urn
For kamikaze snowflakes,
Simply an anecdote,
Of my body's warm graveyard
For these pieces of fallen sky.
October 7, 2010
Homesick
Rummaging through my closet
I'm searching for my seven-league boots
Mirroring my struggle to get to you
I'm a bird on the window sill
From the outside looking in
And it's the closest I can be
I'm the winged seed that fell too far from home
I fear that my roots will grasp too firmly to the ground
That I can't go back to the roots of my childhood
I've turned everything associated with you
Into amulets and charms of sorts
So I can be safely guided home.
Published: October 11th, 2010
I'm searching for my seven-league boots
Mirroring my struggle to get to you
I'm a bird on the window sill
From the outside looking in
And it's the closest I can be
I'm the winged seed that fell too far from home
I fear that my roots will grasp too firmly to the ground
That I can't go back to the roots of my childhood
I've turned everything associated with you
Into amulets and charms of sorts
So I can be safely guided home.
Published: October 11th, 2010
September 13, 2010
Solitude
I walk alone on the streets
Not knowing anyone
Not wanting to know anyone
And all I have is you
In my memory.
And before I burst into tears
At the thought of you,
(Oh, how I miss you),
A monarch butterfly
Flutters by,
Giving me a little heart
To comfort my solitude.
Not knowing anyone
Not wanting to know anyone
And all I have is you
In my memory.
And before I burst into tears
At the thought of you,
(Oh, how I miss you),
A monarch butterfly
Flutters by,
Giving me a little heart
To comfort my solitude.
August 10, 2010
Explosion
I remember when I was young
I had this art program
There was this function
That you could use.
It was a dynamite.
And after all you've drawn
And after all you've made
Just one click,
And it all goes away,
Wipes everything blank.
The way it happened
Is quite spectacular actually.
I wish I had this function
In real life.
I had this art program
There was this function
That you could use.
It was a dynamite.
And after all you've drawn
And after all you've made
Just one click,
And it all goes away,
Wipes everything blank.
The way it happened
Is quite spectacular actually.
I wish I had this function
In real life.
July 27, 2009
Bad Influence
I fell to the ground
Trampled on by your feet
I lay in the muddled water
I am muddled water
I reached up to the dark gray sky
Grabbing for the imaginary support.
A fat raindrop breaks upon my face
Even nature is pitying me.
So cleanse me,
Renew my soul,
Save me from you.
Trampled on by your feet
I lay in the muddled water
I am muddled water
I reached up to the dark gray sky
Grabbing for the imaginary support.
A fat raindrop breaks upon my face
Even nature is pitying me.
So cleanse me,
Renew my soul,
Save me from you.
April 16, 2009
Forgotten Memories
I found a folder of your letters,
your letters for me.
Our summer love letters,
filled with happiness, passion and glee.
And as I read, the more I felt
And as I read, I felt a smile
We had such a good run
Though now we're apart, miles and miles
And the more I read,
the more I could feel the tears
I really did love you
So very much dear
I often think of you
And wondered if you thought of me too
And if we could turn back time
Could we make the sky stay bright blue?
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused
And thought it was silly of me
But it's all in the past now,
Guess we weren't meant to be...
your letters for me.
Our summer love letters,
filled with happiness, passion and glee.
And as I read, the more I felt
And as I read, I felt a smile
We had such a good run
Though now we're apart, miles and miles
And the more I read,
the more I could feel the tears
I really did love you
So very much dear
I often think of you
And wondered if you thought of me too
And if we could turn back time
Could we make the sky stay bright blue?
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused
And thought it was silly of me
But it's all in the past now,
Guess we weren't meant to be...
February 10, 2009
Scissors
I guess cupid mis-aimed
There was a knot
In the string that linked us together
Maybe it's time to grab
A pair of scissors
And cut it
So it becomes
What it's supposed to be.
There was a knot
In the string that linked us together
Maybe it's time to grab
A pair of scissors
And cut it
So it becomes
What it's supposed to be.
February 5, 2009
December 15, 2008
Euthanasia of Love
And it breaks my heart
Seeing us like this
Eyeing each other
As we both step back
Growing further apart
… Distance is a silent killer.
But the story still continues on
Characters going through changes
Words of love faded
The last pages torn out
Is the plot to end where torture began?
Lost romance stops the moving pen
The conversations have turned to explanations
Colours twisted to black
Every sentence spoken contained sorry
Intertwined hands pried open
By the vanishing confidence
Feelings fallen to pieces
There seemed to be no solution
I don’t know where happiness went
Where the connection disappeared to
The sweet love songs
Evolved to libretto of a poignant opera
When did the transformation take place?
We didn’t want to face
The encumbering questions
And before we knew it,
It was time to let go
Sine qua non of love existed no more
The fragile rose has to wilt, one day…
We buried the pain deep within
Each day, intensifying
Trying to be ignorant
Thinking it is just delirium playing its part
The challenge of repairing the damage
Becoming more and more seemingly impossible
… It was time to pull the plug
Time to whisper the last goodbye
Keeping a part of us inside
So that when I look back
I’ll smile without a tear leaving my eyes
Reminiscence of the remains of our love
Time to walk away
Without looking back
And without difficulties
Euthanasia of love
The hardest part of it all
The end of our journey
It had to be done
Because I want to love you
…without the ache.
Writer's note: I don't like the title, but I love this poem, because I feel like I captured the true essence of a sad love story, no?
Seeing us like this
Eyeing each other
As we both step back
Growing further apart
… Distance is a silent killer.
But the story still continues on
Characters going through changes
Words of love faded
The last pages torn out
Is the plot to end where torture began?
Lost romance stops the moving pen
The conversations have turned to explanations
Colours twisted to black
Every sentence spoken contained sorry
Intertwined hands pried open
By the vanishing confidence
Feelings fallen to pieces
There seemed to be no solution
I don’t know where happiness went
Where the connection disappeared to
The sweet love songs
Evolved to libretto of a poignant opera
When did the transformation take place?
We didn’t want to face
The encumbering questions
And before we knew it,
It was time to let go
Sine qua non of love existed no more
The fragile rose has to wilt, one day…
We buried the pain deep within
Each day, intensifying
Trying to be ignorant
Thinking it is just delirium playing its part
The challenge of repairing the damage
Becoming more and more seemingly impossible
… It was time to pull the plug
Time to whisper the last goodbye
Keeping a part of us inside
So that when I look back
I’ll smile without a tear leaving my eyes
Reminiscence of the remains of our love
Time to walk away
Without looking back
And without difficulties
Euthanasia of love
The hardest part of it all
The end of our journey
It had to be done
Because I want to love you
…without the ache.
Writer's note: I don't like the title, but I love this poem, because I feel like I captured the true essence of a sad love story, no?
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