Your one single disapproval
Can deflate my entire being
And there is good reason for it
Because to me, you are everything
And I love you more than you'll ever know
Though those words have been spoken before
By poets and singers and lovers and even laymen,
I will say them forever with unchanging force
For I could not feel this way without you
Perhaps I hid too much of myself from you
For I hated people knowing my weaknesses
For I could not simply tell you how much I love
And it has always been this way and maybe will always be
So you go and fill my silences with your own thoughts and whispers
Thinking my silence means consent and indifference
And I somehow fooled myself into believing them to be true
When I feel completely the opposite of the emotions you cloaked me with
When I have not said those things you put in my mouth
You mistaken my pat on the back as a stab
And you took out your own knife and stabbed me
If you had loved me as you said, where did this blade come from?
And I'll never comprehend as I lie on the ground
Drinking the pool of blood around me to survive
And I drain out the same blood I drank, and it goes on like this
For so long, I can no longer recall the passing of days
I wonder when it will end
I wonder if it'll be my end
Days pass and the sun occasionally shined
I sit up gingerly, afraid of opening the delicate wound
And it hurts if I move too quickly
And I sit there, mindlessly silent, afraid of stirring up
A storm with my tainted thoughts and feelings
And I sigh gently at the wound, knowing I'll always be reminded of it
I'll always be reminded of it
Even when I'm starting to smile again
I'll always be reminded of it
And I no longer have the control
I can't hold it in anymore
I hated to cry, I can't cry
In front of others, in front of you
But I do now and I can't help it
I have no more strength to hold up the wall
So easily crumbled, tattered smiles
The realization that I haven't been happy since before that time
This last piece to glue onto the shattered vase, causes the vase to fall apart once again
I'm crying so heavily and I don't know why
My mind is preventing me from understanding it all, from remembering it all
I gripped my hands hard, for it's what I do to combat pain
But it doesn't stop the tears, and that's when I realize that it doesn't hurt
I feel no pain
That's when it hit me, the wound opening
It's the same old thing to which I've taught myself to be numb about
I'm so numb, I don't even feel the blood flowing out anymore
And these tears rose from my unconscious
I will always know what kind of a person I am
But it's you shaking my foundation
Sending me flying into some identity crisis
And I question myself endlessly
And I ask myself why everyday
I look in the mirror and hate the image
I look at my life in disgust and regret
Everytime I see the scar from that wound
But I'm still the same kid
I'm still the same kid who apologized to inanimate things she dropped accidentally
The kid who would remain silent than declare love loudly
The kid who wanted to prove to you, who strove to make you proud so you'd be happy
The same kid who cried breathlessly underneath blankets so you wouldn't hear her despair
The same kid who said bathroom prayers so you'd never find her praying for you
The same kid who hid behind a mask so you would not know about her sufferings
The same kid who did everything for your assurance
Just because I don't say a word, it doesn't make me a coward, it doesn't make me heartless
This is just the way I am, this is the way I grew up
Nothing I have ever said are meant to hurt
My words may wear the same mask that I do
But what they carry is what love I can confidently show
And I'm still afraid to break my own silence
Even knowing how you like to fill them
But I just can't, I just can't
I don't know where to start, afraid of the uncommon
And I fear my words will be mistook for arrows
I don't know if I can withstand another one of your attacks
So I'm still silent and withdrawn
With tears that flow from somewhere I have repressed
And I smile when I can, I laugh when I can
Because these are the emotions that managed to surface past the sad ones
And I'm grateful when they do
I'm still the same carefree child who just wants to be happy
But now I find myself, running to catch her
And now there are shadows where light used to be
And I fear one day, I'll be swallowed whole by this wound,
And losing myself, losing my love, to it.
