Perspective

And you wondered to yourself, how you ever let her fade away from you like that...

...That was the original intent of this hand drawing. But the more I drew, the more that intent dissipated... Perhaps the optimistic side of me has been battling the pessimistic side of me... This drawing could also have a hopefulness to it too -- it is not a disappearing of, but rather, a formation of. He is not letting her go... It is with his touch, his open hand, that she is becoming whole again, real again... I like both meanings, though I am probably leaning more toward the positive one at the moment because my mood is fairly neutral, with a tint of peacefulness. It will probably change to the more negative connotation when I feel down. For now though, I am enjoying its sweeter interpretation. ...And no, I haven't been hand-obsessed lately... *shifty eyes*

The Fall

I had originally planned for this to be a hopeful piece... until I realized that it could be incredibly sad too...

 I had a hard time drawing this, but I wanted to. So badly. 
I got frustrated with it at one point and just left it. Until today. 
I decided to add more dark hands and shading. 
I love shading. I like seeing the veins of the fibre in the paper appear, making it very alive somehow... 
Anyway. There is so much imperfection in this drawing and it didn't turn out exactly how I imagined it in my mind,
but it feels exactly the way I wanted it to feel...

And even though it can have two meanings, 
I so very badly want it to be the one of light. 
...I so very badly want her to be rescued... 
Even I am calling out to my own drawing,
"Please! You're so close. Just a little bit more and you'll have her! Hurry! Before it's too late!"...

Masquerade, Broken

I just suddenly had this urge to draw a masquerade mask. They're so pretty. But I struggled in how I want to draw it and what details I want it to have. That took a very long time. I made it easier for myself though because it's asymmetrical, haha! And then, it came to me -- I wanted it to be broken, right down the middle. To make the asymmetry more meaningful also. Thus, began the planning. I wanted the right half to be dark (the thorny vines and the decorative blood-drips at the far side). Lifeless. Twisted. Foreboding. Even menacing. ...But that becomes more life-like, holds promise, as it gets closer to the centre. The right side, is the opposite, representing life, light, growth (the butterfly wings, the bird, the leaves/petals around the eye, and curls at the end representing sun's light *shifty eyes* lol). And as it approaches the middle, the butterfly is without its body. 

 Where it is broken, there is a rose petal and a feather, from the two things that are closest to the centre (well the bird is flying towards the centre)... as if they materialized from the brokenness. Became real from the brokenness. And although the mask is broken, they are still tied together. I'm not sure what I want that to symbolize. I guess I still want to show that they are connected, despite being different, despite being disconnected, simultaneously.

The tendrils rising from the right side aren't just pencil marks. I'm not entirely sure why I felt compelled to add those in, as if the masquerade is a curse and it being broken, released something. 

I don't know. I drew this rather unconsciously, investing in it, meaning that is not entirely understood by even myself, the artist, hahaha. 

Perhaps I just want to show that there is more beyond life and death, two interconnected, yet very different things.

Day

The light breaks through the dark,
An ever-occurring mark,
And consumes the dusk
Diffusing a dewy musk

The light ruffles the leaves outside my window
I crack open my curtained eyes to the moving row
of trees and I smile at the sight
As I reach my hand up at the imagined height

I close my eyes and felt the rays
On my face, like your fingers' caress from long-ago days
And I savour it, absorbed by my skin,
The fragmented light, my pupils are now drinking in

The day is like any other I've collected in my heart
But I still love it like a beautiful piece of art
Something that I cannot part
with, because it marks a new age's start

Today marks the first day of the twenty-second year of my life.
I don't feel any different, honestly, but I do feel that my day was brighter.
Another birthday I will remember, for sure. <3

Where Do You Exist?

There's something nagging at my core
And I felt its tingling effects throughout
The labyrinthine lines of my being.
I've almost forgotten how you took a quill
And carefully carved into my heart
A curse to cure my missing you.
Your touch, a potent anesthesia,
Makes me forget the delirious pain
I am supposed to feel, which
Has now graced me with its presence
Reminding me of your absence.
The ink, like a poison, spreads like wings
Coursing throughout my entire body
Imprinting its mark on my cells,
A mark blood can't wash away,
And I'm held a permanent hostage.
I'm drinking in the words on the page
Like they came from your hands
The cancerous letters, marching
One after the other, lines and lines
Of seemingly inert words
But I've been infected by their power,
As they reach their hands out
And caught and enveloped me, like air.
I'm kneeling on the ground in the rain
The puddles of God's fallen tears, like ink,
I look upwards, arching my back,
Letting the water wash over me,
Before it hits the ground, turning into ink.
My arms and hands, spread out,
Offering to some unknown deity
Whatever it is It chooses to take,
To have you brought back to me,
To have our fingers reef-knot tangled,
So that we may weather this storm
Together, but I find myself empty.
The darkness eclipses my sight
My pupils grow larger, engulfing light,
Trying to catch every creeping shadow
But everything is melting away,
Weeping sadly for some unknown reason
And I'm drowning in this world.
I'm sinking deeper and deeper
Into my mind, splotches of ink,
Where memories and a distant you reside
And I'm lost in your image.
I scream, but it sounds so far away,
I cradle your words and ate them up
Seeding an ineffable insatiability.
I feel like I've slept for a thousand years
But I awoke in your arms,
Your smile, a sun, shining on and on
And I can't help but smile along,
For some unknown reason,
And I'm so touched, it hurts.

Irrational poem. I need to spill some of my irrationality...
So I don't get too lost in my fantastical world.
Published on the 24th of October, 2010.

Ma vie

She has the promise of life in her eyes.
And with every stride that I take,
For the rest of my life,
Will the soles of my feet wear down the path?
My inability to bend the whirlwind of leaves
Sends me flying along with them,
But what sets me apart is my soul.

The Good

The honourable
The moral
The chivalric
The honest
The compassionate
The kind

Will always win.

Angel In Disguise

You came around
Around the corner
We spoke many words
And laughed many laughs
Then you reached forward
And teared out my heart
You felt it withering in your hands
Your hands drenched in my blood
Holding my battered heart
And I'm hurt,
Terribly hurt
Until one day you came around again
Around the corner
You held out to me
My heart
Renewed, repaired
I don't know how I lived the days
But you saved me.

The Spider

I saw a spider on the wall,
with a shriveled up body
dangling off the ceiling...
After a few moment of observance,
the little body starts moving again,
struggling, struggling to climb back up.

I watched it do this
over and over again,
and I thought to myself,
for something so small,
something so insignificant,
its determination,
its will to live,
why it's greater than a lot of us
on this Earth.

I'll Know

The stars are drawing out my dreams tonight.

Chapter 79

Amidst the chaos
I found myself
At a loss
I searched the bookshelf
For an answer
Scattered, confused pages
Catching cancer
Was I to be doomed for ages?
But I will not be defeated
And I will find myself again
My fears all fleet'd
Yes it will be a gain
As the chapters go on
I will find the light
And though the pressure weighs a ton
I will push with all of my might.

Overcame

The clouds are breaking,
Emitting the moonlight
Showcasing
A display of sparkling stars
Shiny, shiny stars,
Shine so bright
Bright on my life.

Beauty

Your love
Makes me feel
Beautiful.

Magneticism

It's your voice;
I fell in love with your voice
I've realized.

String

I've been following this red string
That was tied to my finger
I found it tangled and knotted
When I finally unraveled everything
It led me to you
It led me to you.

Always On My Mind

I found you at the corner of my smile.
The twinkle in my eye.
Sneaking into my thoughts.
Secret of my heart.

One Soul

Who am I without you, stranger?

Heart of a Lion

I am determined to make it right.
Paint my face with confidence.
Walk tall with a mysterious smile.

Dance

I am tired of the life that I lead
I hate the fake inquiries
Of how I am
I just want to run away
Not cowardly, but with relief
Start a new plan,
Without forced disguise

And I just want to dance
In the loneliness of the night
Freeing myself from the impurities
I want to dance away
The trouble I dare not face
Had I not have the fear
Of confronting my fears, I’d be liberated

One day, the smile will crumble down
No longer will I be able to hide
No longer will I be understood
Because people’s sympathies
Are just ways to dig further
Into the wounds
Exposed, infectious

And I just want to lose myself
In the sense of wonderment
Dancing into the night
For once watching the stars
Shine down on me
Lifting the pressure off my heart
Lifting me from this fake existence

So play that music,
Because I never want to stop.

Writer's note: conformity is actually a really scary thing. Society, when have you become so inhumane?