The Same Day, the Past Six Years

2012: Evelyn Salt. Must add a creepy, ghostly camwh*re pic here. Lol.

Hehehehe. I can't help it. ;__; Lol.

The outfit. Oops, seemed to have messed up the picture orientation, lol. I totally had to Photoshop the buttons off of that jacket... I couldn't go out this year and get stuff so I had to work with what I have in my closet...

This is probably a mistake on my part, doing a side-by-side comparison, lol.

2011: Wichita from Zombieland.

2010: Part II - As Jane Patrick, the female Patrick Jane (The Mentalist).

2010: Part I - Psyche.  (There were 2 parts because I couldn't decide which to dress up as.)

2009: Lana Croft, Lara's cousin from the Orient.

2008: A Magician's Bunneh. No, I am not pooping in the right picture... >.>

2007: I be a gangsta.

Happy Halloween! :D

Fractum

"I am broken here," she said as she pointed to her chest,
"And I am broken here," she then pointed to her head
"Because these two organs are the control centres
To the rest of my body, I am broken everywhere."

Raw

Your one single disapproval
Can deflate my entire being
And there is good reason for it
Because to me, you are everything
And I love you more than you'll ever know
Though those words have been spoken before
By poets and singers and lovers and even laymen,
I will say them forever with unchanging force
For I could not feel this way without you

Perhaps I hid too much of myself from you
For I hated people knowing my weaknesses
For I could not simply tell you how much I love
And it has always been this way and maybe will always be
So you go and fill my silences with your own thoughts and whispers
Thinking my silence means consent and indifference
And I somehow fooled myself into believing them to be true
When I feel completely the opposite of the emotions you cloaked me with
When I have not said those things you put in my mouth

You mistaken my pat on the back as a stab
And you took out your own knife and stabbed me
If you had loved me as you said, where did this blade come from?
And I'll never comprehend as I lie on the ground
Drinking the pool of blood around me to survive 
And I drain out the same blood I drank, and it goes on like this
For so long, I can no longer recall the passing of days
I wonder when it will end
I wonder if it'll be my end

Days pass and the sun occasionally shined
I sit up gingerly, afraid of opening the delicate wound
And it hurts if I move too quickly
And I sit there, mindlessly silent, afraid of stirring up
A storm with my tainted thoughts and feelings
And I sigh gently at the wound, knowing I'll always be reminded of it
I'll always be reminded of it
Even when I'm starting to smile again
I'll always be reminded of it

And I no longer have the control
I can't hold it in anymore
I hated to cry, I can't cry
In front of others, in front of you
But I do now and I can't help it
I have no more strength to hold up the wall
So easily crumbled, tattered smiles
The realization that I haven't been happy since before that time
This last piece to glue onto the shattered vase, causes the vase to fall apart once again

I'm crying so heavily and I don't know why
My mind is preventing me from understanding it all, from remembering it all
I gripped my hands hard, for it's what I do to combat pain
But it doesn't stop the tears, and that's when I realize that it doesn't hurt
I feel no pain
That's when it hit me, the wound opening
It's the same old thing to which I've taught myself to be numb about
I'm so numb, I don't even feel the blood flowing out anymore
And these tears rose from my unconscious

I will always know what kind of a person I am
But it's you shaking my foundation
Sending me flying into some identity crisis 
And I question myself endlessly
And I ask myself why everyday
I look in the mirror and hate the image
I look at my life in disgust and regret
Everytime I see the scar from that wound
But I'm still the same kid

I'm still the same kid who apologized to inanimate things she dropped accidentally
The kid who would remain silent than declare love loudly
The kid who wanted to prove to you, who strove to make you proud so you'd be happy
The same kid who cried breathlessly underneath blankets so you wouldn't hear her despair
The same kid who said bathroom prayers so you'd never find her praying for you
The same kid who hid behind a mask so you would not know about her sufferings
The same kid who did everything for your assurance
Just because I don't say a word, it doesn't make me a coward, it doesn't make me heartless
This is just the way I am, this is the way I grew up

Nothing I have ever said are meant to hurt
My words may wear the same mask that I do
But what they carry is what love I can confidently show
And I'm still afraid to break my own silence
Even knowing how you like to fill them
But I just can't, I just can't
I don't know where to start, afraid of the uncommon
And I fear my words will be mistook for arrows
I don't know if I can withstand another one of your attacks

So I'm still silent and withdrawn
With tears that flow from somewhere I have repressed
And I smile when I can, I laugh when I can
Because these are the emotions that managed to surface past the sad ones
And I'm grateful when they do
I'm still the same carefree child who just wants to be happy
But now I find myself, running to catch her
And now there are shadows where light used to be
And I fear one day, I'll be swallowed whole by this wound,
And losing myself, losing my love, to it. 

Why Steam Still Hates Me

Thank God he didn't start taunting me... there is only so much I can type in my screen name...

Fear

There is something
Stopping me from
Saying the words
That riot in my mind

There is something
Holding my arms back
When I want to break free
And run towards the light

There is something
Preventing my heart
From expressing
From dreaming

There is something
Raining on my spirits
Dampening my strive
For happiness and purpose

This is something
Keeping me safe
Keeping me silent
Keeping me.

Waltz

I am standing on tip-toes
Trying to match heights,
My face tilts up towards yours
I return the smile you gave me
I place my hand in your left
As you settle your right on my back,
Holding me heartbeat close.

We dance, dissolving in this song
And I'm swimming in your embrace,
We laugh as you twirl me playfully
I feel peaceful in this excitement
Breathing in each note deeply
I'll always remember this happiness,
As we waltz through silence and time.

Darkness

The days are forever ending
Pretending, covered up motives
Noctural spirits awake
Ocean skies, washed up
With a cup of black silence

I am built with hands of deceit and fear
Diseased, born with a rare haemophilia
Bleed with nausea and emotions
Offerings to this darkness of the world
Feed upon my sins

Released yet held prisoner, bind to guilt
Betrayed by my conscience
Assumptions holds me by a thread of string
Fallen, falling so deep
Thoughts and knowledge that don't belong to my mind

The world is an incredibly lonely place
Reaching for comfort that was never there
Everyone's shield with careless cold
All I know of love, is sadness
Extinct is halcyon 

And the world is an extremely cruel place
Corruptions allure, insatiable to power
Adapting to it turns me against myself
My heart ripped out, they are laughing manically,
Smearing its blood on the walls of mockery

I don't mean to criticize
But God, do you have eyes?
I doubt He does because His replies for me
Are only in forms of consequences
Agony and injustice prevails

There's no need to shield our children's eyes
We've killed and poisoned our futures
This is our punishment for our behavior;
Plagued with troubles and illness
Building our world upon faltered hope

We live time's life,
Living in heartbeats
Fast pulse, slow rhythm, stop
Mirror images don't last
Fogged up, shattered...

Moths, minions of dark covers up the pure radiance
We destroyed the light switch
Hecate's reign, trip to Hades, when will we realize?
Everything's slowly melting away
Like venomous ice cube, find the antidote

Words seep from my hands
Sealed and empty are my lips
Beautiful sorrows are all I could think of
Driven anticipation, this is the end
I'd rather be mute, perhaps then you could hear

The shadows of fate
Lurking around the corner
Immune to our blank words
Useless are our absent actions
Praying for a miracle

Headstrong, I have faith in goodness
But there are nights, walks in mist, worrying
Rain drops mix with my tears
Its recipe of sympathy, I consumed
Inspirational feelings...

And I'll always be trying
Retrieving light from our dark world
Eternal darkness, eternal darkness is us,
In us, burning forests, dying souls,
Saying peace with ease when we are lying
A little girl's nightmare of her parents
Contaminated air, full of unbelievable dishonesty, we breath in

A desperate reporter's made-up story, for fame
A proud king's status, to gain more, for supremacy
A needy thief's thirst for what he cannot get, for wealth
Us, when we know the dangers and effects of our actions, we still do.

Darkness has us locked up
Blind to our surroundings
Truth unfolds, regret rises
Selfish broken hearts, undo the past
Killers cry politely, seasons die
Clinch chance, rewrite this potential story
A new day, sunrise... 

This poem was written on December 23rd, 2005, in my notebook labeled "Anthology Pt 2.7." It's the first poem in the book. I've thought much about this poem while I was away from home because I remember the fervor and passion with which I wrote those words. It's the first poem where I really spoke my mind about this world that we live in.

It may seem unpolished and green to others, and yes, I think it's downright bad and awkward, but it remains one of my favourites, simply because I wrote it when I was still one who had faith despite the darkness. And I gave those words my ardor.

Our bodies are much like words -- just vessels, mediums, vehicles carrying purpose, meaning, and potential. Even with just one word, it can transform the meaning, the fluidity, the beauty of the sentence.

I have not edited this poem for this post (although I very much wanted to) -- every word is as it was 7 years ago.  

Guarded

Numb, so numb,
My heart says it hurts,
But my mind insists, "No."

What to do when you find a giant Pooh on your bed

1. An unsuspecting Pooh must be found passed out on your bed.

2. You must try to gently set it upright.

3. And take pictures with it.

4. Then proceedst to hugging it.

5. And end with a nice spoon.

>.> 

*smiles*

Spin

I am a spinning top
Spinning endlessly
In the same place,
Digging a groove,
Dulling my senses;
I've stranded myself.
Everything blurs,
Colours blend,
And I listen numbly
To my own laughter
Spin out of my head.
I am swimming
In a world of madness,
And I'm on the brink
Of giving into it,
When suddenly
A skip suspends
My swirls and whirls,
Knocking me out
Of my hollow,
And I somehow
Stumble into a place
Where I should not be.
I know not how
I ended up here,
But my love spills
From my sleeves
As I twirl and spin.
I'm spinning still
In this uncanny place,
I gasp as I realize
That I've set my heart
A-flight and it lands
In your territory, spinning.
Now I must endure it
Mindlessly spinning,
Hopelessly spinning,
Because I can't stop it.

This is what I have spun. Now I have to wear it, with hopes of it keeping me warm. 

Gratitude

The memories and feelings I had of you
Are now like pressed leaves
Dried and easily crumbled,
Tucked away in the pages of a heavy book,
Made to remember, but soon forgotten.

What we had was a strudel of time,
Made with layers and layers of words,
Filled with a bittersweet reality,
Baked in an oven of emotions,
And you ate it all up, 'till we were gone.

Like any person in my life,
You were a drop of dye
In my cup of water,
Changing the person I am,
But you stained my glass.

I had such a childlike faith
Believing that I could make a difference,
That I could better things
And just when I thought I was,
I failed.

In times of disaster
One could only hope
To have something
To hold onto, to keep afloat
But you were nowhere to be seen.

Only to appear and chastise me for wanting
That childlike faith back,
And I quivered like the candlelight,
Afraid of that one breath...
My light, was extinguished.

I was kept alive for torture
Because once you've decided
That I was unworthy of leaving
You refused to see anything else,
You chose to forget the good.

These fueled my want of death's comfort
As I can no longer battle in the dark.
And I hurt myself, stepping over
My broken spirit, my broken mind,
My broken heart.

You made me understand
What kind of a person you were,
Just how broken you were,
But you can't keep me here
By making me the same as you.

You can't hurt me
And expect me to stay.

I don't know how I survived
And perhaps life was kinder to me
Than it was to you.
Surely none of us deserve this pain,
But who gave you the right to impose it on me?

I could be angry,
I could be sad,
I could be holding a grudge,
Still.
But I am not.

Because you made me realize things
That I would not have discovered by myself,
So I want to thank you,
For helping me write this fable.
You were a lesson I needed to learn.

Thank you for making me realize
That my tears are my passion overflowing
From a bubbling and boiling concoction
Within, heated by things I saw and witnessed.
And though those hot tears sear my skin

The pain I feel, makes me more human
Than I can be without them.
The clarity I can see with after the storm
Is worth the pain,
Is worth all of this that transpired.

And though the lessons were long and tough
Your repeated assaults have taught me
That if I stopped caring, it doesn't make me less of a person,
That I should not have to suffer and agonize
Over your unhappiness, or over anyone else's.

So, thank you, in the end.

蘿格 I

如果你真的愛一個人, 你會希望他很幸福.
因為愛在遠方  也只能做這麼多.
要是他能幸福, 愛也就滿足了.
也許他永遠  也不會知道  我多麼愛他,
但這一切是  我想要給他的.
真愛是沒有代價的.

Fury

I hate to waste a post here to write about this, but I felt it had to be done because I'm angry it happened. Let me start off by explaining why I even have this blog in the first place. The reason why I have this blog is because I love to write. I don't write for anyone, I write for myself. This is the only way I can express myself wholly. I get inspired by things that happen in my life and I write it down. This is an outlet. This is where I can be myself.

Sometimes when people want to know how I am feeling and whatnot, I like to refer them here, simply because I am honest in my poetry. I don't lie in my poetry. Things may change, but I don't lie in those words, in those moments. I don't mind if people read my work. Sometimes I am happy that I have an audience. And sometimes I am excited to show someone a piece of work that I am proud of. Bottom line is, I don't mind sharing my work for people to read.

But that doesn't mean you can abuse it.

Every art is open to interpretation and I think it's great if someone else read my work in a different light than I intended -- it means that the person thought and related to my words. But that doesn't mean the interpretation is necessarily correct. I, ultimately, hold the meaning to my work because I wrote it. No one else holds that authority. So before jumping to conclusions about what I've written, would it not be better to ask me about it? I admit I am not always articulate (hence why I use the poetic form), but at least let me explain?

I am always flattered when someone compliments my work or want to discuss them with me because it means that he/she found it interesting or compelling. And most of the time, I am up for the dissection of my words. But sometimes not. That's why I have my comments disabled because I don't want to hear how you read my poems; I don't want to know. It's not that I am egotistic and I don't want to hear any criticisms, but this is my home. I don't want any potential vandalism or people giving me shizzles about things-- these words that I have crafted-- that I hold dear. I know I don't always produce the best poems (some are downright bad), but they are mine nonetheless and I love them all the same because they grew with me. These poems are, essentially, my life. I gave breath to them.

You don't have the right to steal them.

The least you could do is just ask. It's not like I'm going to say no to you outright. When you take my words without permission, it's like me going into your house and stealing your things or kidnapping your children. Same concept. (Well not that I'm going to ask you if I could steal your things or kidnap your kids first, but you know what I mean.) It's an invasion, it's a burglary. And I am appalled.

To the person who felt he can just prance in here, copy and paste my poem, and use it for his own (inappropriate) means, you know who you are. Stop it or I will take actions.

I can very easily just shut this down, but I love this blog. I've had it for many years. It's a quick catharsis for me when I need it. Don't make me move. Don't make me hide myself. My words have no other purpose than to hold my memories and emotions, and they are meant for me to read. I share them because there isn't any harm to it. You like my poetry? That's great, thanks! You don't? Then just leave. My words don't hurt anyone-- if they do, it's not my words' doing, but your own mind's, your own heart's.

I think that's about all I have to say. Thank you for reading.
Promise the next post is poetry. x

Looking Back, Looking In

In celebration of my 300th post, I am going to post things that are more embarrassing than words I've written: baby pictures.
But I don't really mind. It's all in good fun. Enjoy!

Warning: If you ask me, "Aww, so, what the hell happened to you?" you're going to get your ass kicked. :)  

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Such a happy chubby baby. 

"*giggles* Oh stop it! Stop tickling my feet... Oh wait, it's me." 

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 "Whatchu lookin' at foo?"

That's my brother in the behind me. He looks constipated, lol. 

(Pretty sure he doesn't read my blog. >.>)

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 You know how parents like to set their kids up with kids of their close friends? 

Well, this be a case here. Lol. No jokes. Thanks, but no thanks parents. 

We were elementary school classmates, but we didn't get along that well, lol.

It's weird, I sort of remember this picture. *closes eyes* I remember how cold it was to sit there. And I think he was being mean to me. Lol. Not sure if I just conjured that up in my head, but yeah...

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I've got the whole world in my hands.

I be a super chill kid.

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 Indecent exposure. >.>

Bahahaha! I be a very girly girl when I was young.

I probably wore more dresses than I did pants.

And I loved it! (Wearing dresses that is, not exposing myself... >.>)

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 *Tries to redeem self by acting all prim and proper.*

Actually, I kinda look like I needed to pee. 

:D

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 This is probably my most favourite picture of myself when I was young.

Yes, those are flamencos in the background.

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 Not quite sure what I was doing here.

The pervertedness is evident at an early age? Lol. :P

Looking at the photo album, it would appear that I have this open mouth trend going on... 

>.>

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 Another popular pose of mine.

I think I was pretending to be Superman. >.> 

Sometimes I wonder if I might've been a little retarded...

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 See, another open mouth pic. 

Think I've got it down pat, yo. Lol.

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 "Oh noes!"

I liked doing this pose too, lol.

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"Kill me. Now."

It's obvious I was made to pose like this, lol. 

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"Why didn't you kill me?!"

I think the picture speaks for itself...

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Good stuff, good laughs.

There's nothing quite like coming home and going through photo albums or your old things. 

It reminds you of who you are. x