Cancer

Your love is a cancer
And it's slowly taking a hold of me
Day by day, I'm weakened,
As you and everything about you,
Spread through my body,
Eating up my thoughts,
Finding residence in my heart,
And as I walk along the streets
Of my mind, I smile
At your endearing qualities,
I laugh, at your silly antics,
Ever so painfully delightful,
And strangers look on with concern,
As you possess me,
Body and soul.

The Missing Page

I tore pages from Petrarch's Il Canzoniere

And ate them to quell my sighs,
Because every thought of you
Arouses a strange wind
That blows the pages of my heart open
And scatters them across the floor,
I pick them up hurriedly,
For fear of you reading them.
As I collect the last page on the ground,
I find that I still have one missing,
I am frantically searching for it, but in the end,
My heart has surrendered this piece.
I stand there in the gentle wind,
Clinching the remaining bundle close to me,
And I sigh gently.

Onion

I inserted my sharp knife methodically
Into the onion sitting on the chopping board.
I sliced through both ends and peeled off its skin
Before I cut through its core.
The two halves split open like two hands coming apart,
White fluid seeps from the exposed layers of the flesh,
And my eyes are a mirror act, as tears fall uncontrollably.
I took my knife and continued cutting,
Cutting the onion from wedges to dices and small pieces.
And with my last chop, I thought about our love,
I placed the knife down gently and wept.

Left 4 Love

The sky was an unnatural gray with a tint of red,
Reflecting your decaying skin and all the recent blood shed,
I watched in unbearable horror as your head
Dipped down to your unmoving victim and you fed
And teared hungrily into her flesh, a mouthful of
Her heart, her blood covered your hands, a pair of red gloves.

I stood there, in the middle of the empty, glass-littered street,
Where smoke rose from buildings like arms in defeat,
And the overturned cars in lampposts were radiating heat,
Warming up the touches of winter's feet,
And though I was silent, there were sounds of absent screams
Ringing in my mind, enshrouding me like opaque steam.

I shivered and you caught my movement in the corner of your eye
You turned slowly and rose to your feet, and inside, I felt myself die,
I can never forget the moment you told me, I laughed thinking it was a joke, a lie,
And as the disease coursed through your body, we said our painful goodbye,
And I cried and cried and ran like you told me,
That you did not want me to see what you will be--

Come, your now apathetic eyes are whispering to me,
And I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, as if undersea,
You shuffled towards me, despite tripping over debris,
You reached out to touch me, but I uttered a soft plea,
I was afraid, but this time I will not flee,
For the sake of setting both you and I free.

I raised my arms shakily and pointed my gun,
Aimed for your head and you paused, stunned,
I stifled my cry, pulled the trigger, and suddenly, it was all done
I collapsed to the ground, becoming undone.
I looked over at your fallen body, forever dead, on the accumulating snow,
Crawled towards it and watched your blood flow with woe,

I hung my head and stared at your changed, yet familiar face,
Your opened eyes, a sorrow in them I wish I could erase,
Your blood-stained lips my fingers lightly traced,
The same blood that dotted my face which the gun displaced,
I placed my hand on your dead heart as the snowflakes fell,
The same bullet that went through you, went through me as well.

I stood up and beheld the cold sky stained red
I heaved a sigh and it materialized like the clouds overhead
I did not notice the tears on my cheek turning red as they thread
Over the blood that you have spread,
And I'll never forget the last words you said,
Your love, your smile, and with this, I look bravely ahead,
At the broken world for which you have bled.

Out

In medias res
In love
In trouble
In death
In purgatory
In hell
In pain
In time
Indifferent.

Blank

My life is a crumbling sandcastle,
The one you helped me build,
I watch, still and emotionless,
As your unforgiving waves come crashing,
Washing away all that I am,
Wiping away all my dear memories.

My heart stopped beating
The moment you walked away,
The doctors pronounced me dead, so
They carried out an autopsy on my heart
Hoping to find some secrets and answers,
But they gasp, finding it eerily empty and hollow.

And I don't know how to survive
When every time I fall apart,
You prevent me from piecing myself together
And I'm never whole anymore
And I become even more fragile, for
I am drained of any passion or love.

I'm kneeling on the floor, my vision a blur,
As I hold the pieces of my life in my hands,
I'm trying to put it back together,
But my tears dilute the glue, and it's all a mess,
I close my eyes and emit a soulless sigh,
And I feel nothing at all.

The White Room

I have walked the roads of my arteries and veins,
I have traveled from atop the grooved paths
Marked by the memories of the passing years and passersby,
To the lands that move, where lies the ten cold mountain peaks.
I have met all kinds of people, strange yet familiar,
And I have tasted what they tasted, smelled what they smelled,
That even on unexplored grounds, I feel uncannily at home, safe
Until I chanced upon a passage that led to a white room.
It is mysterious and boundless and ineffably warm,
Even with its bare walls that reflected white in no light,
It is nothing I have ever seen and everything I've seen,
I touched the walls gently, curiously, and it touched me back
I took a deep breath and shivered, and the walls fluttered
As if afraid, and closed up the opening from whence I came,
I was trapped and panicked as the walls started to quake,
So I bang on them, whose whiteness and blankness
Saturated my blinded eyes, until I bled.
I screamed and cried and all I could hear
Were unending echoes of my own screams and cries
Until I stopped and they desisted and became silent beatings.
I laid on the floor resigned and listless,
Listening to the drumming in my head,
Then I observed red seeping through the impenetrable walls,
And I was washed with and floated in waves of red,
I tasted of the blood and iron in my mouth,
And I finally realized and have always known where I was.
I came to investigate my heart and was trapped inside
Because it closed itself from you, and I came to
Understand, but was confused by all the contents removed.
My heart is an empty white room.

Together

My blood-shot eyes are a painting
Of the agonizing torture I feel inside,
Each crisscrossing red lines on the white canvas
The wounds of your heart bleeding through.
I consumed too much fatigue, drunken vision,
But I persist, resist the veiling of eyes,
Because I want to suffer with you,
Because you're not the only one in anguish,
And may we found solace in one another.
So I took a step toward you, swallowed
My fear of your potential reproach,
My fear of saying the wrong things,
And endured the coldness of your silence
Only to find the real you buried beneath.

Unsaid

10.06.2012
You don't deserve my words.
The person I wrote this for,
Was someone I thought was different,
Than this monster that finally removed his mask,
Who is incapable of looking in the mirror
And looking into himself
To realize, that it never had to end this way.
You are trying to dig a way out
By digging out the past,
But you're just digging yourself a hole
In hopes of resurrecting what died.
But it's dead. And you're killing yourself with it.
You want to drag me down with you,
But it's not something I consented,
So please, just stop,
Just watch your actions and your words,
Because what you called me out to be,
Is exactly who you are.

Nothing I said
Or written in any way
Can penetrate
Your heavily-fortified gate.

My every approach meant
Acts of encroachment
And I'm afraid to get near
For fear of losing something dear.

So I tied my message to a dove
Set flight over the wall and above
But your defense was on high thereof,
And shot down my love.

I don't know what else I can do
My tears are morning dew
The sun shines, but the world is dark
Because I share it with the whole of you, so hark --

There's nothing I can say
Or write in any way
That can penetrate
Your refusal to open the gate,
But know I'll be sitting here
Now and for passing of years,
Should you ever need me to catch your tears,
Listen to your fears,
Because our bond will never disappear.

Leash

I'm calling out to you for help,
But do you really listen?
You call it idiocy, weakness,
And strip me of my clothes
To shame me in public.
Your authoritative silence,
Has me whimpering in the corner,
And I find that every choice that I make
I have needs to seek your approval
Because without it, I feel uneasy,
Unsettled by your haunting shadow,
That particular look in your eyes, already
Punishing my imagined disobedience.
You make me walk the straight line,
And you push me along, forcing me,
And I stumble and wobble and fall over,
I can taste the asphalt in my mouth.
I'm crying into the ground,
Hoping trees will grow out of gravel,
Lifting me far away from you,
But even in my dreams,
The leash becomes taut, and yanked,
And I feel myself tugged and pulled
I'm crashing back down to earth at full speed,
And I've broken my bones and soul,
But instead of caring, you laugh,
You reprimand me, for getting too far.

Glass

I watched them fall, one by one,
And I saw my image in them,
I am the teardrops that fall
From my eyes onto the desk top.
They are the insects that flew
Blindly into the windshield,
They are the dishes I threw
Angrily onto the floor.
They burst open and break apart,
Some tiny little liquid shards,
And it hurts me to touch them,
And it hurts me to watch them
Fall like so, die like so,
And I can't stop them,
I can't help myself.