A Murder of the Heart

The wrath of a kind-hearted person
Is a terrible thing to behold,
For if you can set fire to the rain,
It will burn the world.

The cold of a loving person
Is an ever-lasting frost,
It is the dying light of the day,
It is the knowledge that the warmth will never return.

The resignation of a giving person
Is the drought when you are dying of thirst,
It is the water you let go to waste;
We always miss the things we never properly appreciate.

The absence of a caring person
Is an eternal darkness,
It is the love generously given to you,
Gone forever.

Fight

There is a never ending war within myself,
There are no victories or losses;
Only a weary soul that desires simplicity.

There is an ongoing battle between you and I,
Where every victory is a loss, 
And we are battered from words unexpressed.

And I'm fighting, everyday,
Against the past, against the darkness,
A fight to stay alive, to keep us alive.

Until the Day I Live for Myself

...an eternal sleep sounds fucking fantastic right now.

To the East of Eden

I think the world of you
But I wonder if your world
Even has me in it,
So I take a bite
Out of the apple
In your outstretched hand.
I lick the corner of my mouth
While you stare hungrily,
Eyes beckoning me to join you. 
And loving you, is
Taking another step in the dark
Towards the precipice.
Each step has me
Shaking and uncertain,
But the danger, is alluring.

Memory Flood

I keep reflecting and thinking of the past
The memories slowly gain colours
As they paint themselves before my mind's eyes
So stammeringly beautiful
And inaudibly sorrowful;
They are so clear, yet so out of reach...
And I can't help but wonder
Does this mean that end is nearing?
Or am I just craving simpler times?

The Bravest Thing

雖然我是膽小鬼
但是你是我這輩子下的最大的賭注;
愛著你, 是用了我所有的勇氣
就是因為很愛你
所以可以容忍讓我難過又低頭的事;
想著你, 是開心和掉淚的掙扎
告訴我, 我該如何是好?

Caught

I'm always silently screaming
It's so loud in my head
And I'm going insane
Trying to figure you out
I can't pinpoint how you really feel
Like trying to find
The spot where it really itches.
It's an endless struggle,
An everyday battle,
I just want more than you give
Because it's never enough
To satisfy the craving of you.
You are a sadist,
Smiling at my pain, at my desire
Of wanting you,
At my desperation, 
You set fire to the frayed ends of my being,
Then smother it out with kisses;
It's cruel, it's kind,
It's a punishment, it's a gift,
Why are you using such tactics on me,
When you already have me?
My blood boils at the sight of you,
Passionately, and full of hatred,
And I just want to hold onto you forever
And dig my fingers into your skin,
Tearing it apart, so I can really see you,
So I can taste your blood,
But you hold my hands behind my back,
Taunting and teasing,
And I'm fighting your restraints,
And I'm fighting against myself,
And I find that,
I am hopelessly caught 
Between it all,
Between your arms.

*giggles like a little girl*

Thank you so much! It touches me more than you know! Much love for you!

I couldn't resist. *shifty eyes* Hehe. I had to take more pictures after my shower. My slippers and pj pants say hello! *runs off to admire it some more*... So um. I got too excited and for the want of preserving such beauty, I kind of started pulling petals out for pressing already. *shifty eyes* Pretty sure you're not supposed to do that. But after many attempts, I finally got a few good petals for pressing! Yay! I felt kind of bad though (for being impatient). Oh well. It's all for the future. For the memories! *holds the bouquet to sleep*

An Apology

To the girl I have never met,

I am sorry, for any and all the pain and suffering that I have caused you. It was never my intention. You might find that hard to believe, and I do not blame you. I have realized, throughout all this, that with matters of love and of the heart, one becomes selfish.

...I pride myself on being a person that does things that will allow me to sleep at night. And I do not know how I have slept for the past couple of months. I never thought I would become a person that I dislike, but I have. Perhaps I have been this kind of person all along and you, unfortunately, had to suffer through the consequences of my discovery of it.

Do you think that if we had met in different circumstances, that we would have become friends? Even good friends? Perhaps it is silly to think in such a way, but I admit that I do wonder.

You must hate me, girl I have never met. You must think the worst of me. And I do not blame you. I hate myself too. Everyday I am in agony, over the tug-of-wars my heart goes through. I cannot say if the moments of happiness are worth it, for how can you ever gauge the worth of happiness? But in my moments of sadness and loneliness, I would say, that the happiness... is not worth it.

I am not strong enough to control myself of satiating my smallest desires. Every little bit is a reward. I am starved in the category of feeling good, about myself, about everything. And my id cries in joy, like a child who threw a tantrum, and got what it wanted anyway. Spoiled. And I am disgusted with myself.

...but I cannot stop. Where does it end? How is it possible? How do you curb an addiction you never knew you had? How can you fight against the feelings of euphoria?

Everyday is a struggle. And perhaps it is my punishment for my transgression. Even in my moments of self-pity, there is a part of me that taunts me, "You deserved it."

Everyday, I try to talk myself into letting go. I trick myself into thinking that it means nothing. And every time when the time comes, when I feel like I am strong enough to do it... I am instead, overwhelmed and I become weak and I give into my weakness. It... is really pathetic. I laugh at myself everyday... 

Maybe I am a worse person than I think myself as. I do not know anymore. But believe me, if you should ever believe anything that I say, this is it... that if I could take it back, I would.

I would.

Because you see, my mistake is that very exact moment, where I chose to let the fire spread instead of putting it out. The smoke makes me cry, dazed, drugged, but there is a certain beauty in watching it all burn. Only when the fire dies, will I see the wreckage I am in... And only then, will I realize, truly realize, what I have done.

And I apologize, from the deepest depth of my heart, if I ever had one.

I am sorry.

The Fall

I had originally planned for this to be a hopeful piece... until I realized that it could be incredibly sad too...

 I had a hard time drawing this, but I wanted to. So badly. 
I got frustrated with it at one point and just left it. Until today. 
I decided to add more dark hands and shading. 
I love shading. I like seeing the veins of the fibre in the paper appear, making it very alive somehow... 
Anyway. There is so much imperfection in this drawing and it didn't turn out exactly how I imagined it in my mind,
but it feels exactly the way I wanted it to feel...

And even though it can have two meanings, 
I so very badly want it to be the one of light. 
...I so very badly want her to be rescued... 
Even I am calling out to my own drawing,
"Please! You're so close. Just a little bit more and you'll have her! Hurry! Before it's too late!"...

The Answer

They were silently waiting for their food to come when she suddenly remembered her dream.With the want of its interpretation, she asked him,

"Will you help me with this dream I had? I don't understand it at all, but I remember it so distinctly."

"Let's hear it then." His eyes on her, giving her his full attention.

"I don't remember the whole dream, just this one part. I was filling out... a form?" she began, casting her eyes down on the table as she spoke. "And one of the questions required you to write down a "long" math problem of your choosing. In my dream, I had thought of one to write down, it was like, a derivative equation of sorts... I wrote down the entire thing, the entire process, but for some reason, I didn't solve the problem, even though I knew how to solve the problem. It was so strange... What does it mean?!"

He glanced at her knowingly,

"Isn't it obvious?"

She gave him a confused look.

Steadfastly, he said,

"You know the answer, but won't face the fact that you've known all along... You've always known the answer..."

When Your Heart Is Your Enemy

You just can't fight the heart
Because you either live or die
...and both are awful consequences.

Almost Is Not Enough

It's the feeling of a hand
Hovering so close to your skin
But never touching you,
The nearing of an asymptote,
The haunting of an almost ghost,
The fading of an ever-lingering warmth,
The words stuck in your throat,
The gesture frozen in your limbs,
The shadow of an imagined presence,
The sunrise on a cloudy day,
It's the love almost felt,
Hovering only as close to the skin,
But never professed earnestly out loud.