My Favourite Word

Ever since I have discovered the power of words, I have always loved words. Everything about them, it is... magical. How can these shapes that you are reading now, convey such thoughts, such emotions, and be understood by another? It always baffles me in a delightful way and it makes me want to gobble them up! (Which is, obviously, the only sensible action when you are so utterly taken with something -- ingesting it so that it becomes part of you.)

I think I may have mentioned this before, but my favourite English word is ardent. The first time I came across it was when I was reading Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. Darcy had used it in his profession of love to Elizabeth. Such a declaration needed courage and for him to express himself as such, despite all that had happened, must have meant that he was overwhelmed with his feeling for her (which he said so himself). And in this way, the word ardent, is the perfect embodiment of all that he felt. And this speech, I believe, is the first domino piece to fall, in the procession of their love. With this, I have always associated it with the love between Darcy and Elizabeth. It is romantic. It is authentic. It is, to me, a very warm word. Warming and radiates warmth. It is a positive word. There is also something pleasant about the way the word looks. Is that strange? I think ardent looks like a passionate word, without even knowing its meaning.

I have another English word that I adore, ever since I read it in my favourite book, The Name of the Wind. The word is, folly. There is such simplicity in the word, but it also gives off a sense of complexity and mystery. I think it may have a lot to do with how it is used in the book; it connotes such feelings to the reader, and thus, how I feel about the word. In the book, it was the word engraved in the plaque that held the sword, which is presumed, used to kill the king (hence why the books are called The Kingkiller Chronicles). None of that has been divulged yet, in that we do not know why Kvothe had the word engraved. But for him to display the sword and for him to have it displayed with such a word... it does not entirely denote regret, but it also expresses a sense of acknowledgement that he had done something... wrong... and he is not entirely ashamed of what he had done? It is an acceptance of what he had done and he knows that he cannot change what he had done. With this, the word also connotes a sense of bravery and responsibility of owing up to the wrong committed, to know that what was done was foolish... I do not know. It is a beautiful word, even though it has a rather negative denotation. So unadorned by letters, but mean so much.

I suddenly remember some other words that I like, and so I shall honourably mention them here: cathartic, ineffable, cerebral, sublime. I like these words because they express the feelings I want to say. I think sometimes when you first discover the word that expresses the meaning you want to express, you fall in love with it. "That is exactly what I want to say!" There is an elation of sorts, like a child finally being able to speak, after being frustrated and restricted for so long. (And you use it whenever you can, work it into sentences so that it makes sense in the sentence, but not in the context... I admit that I am very much guilty of that...) I first learned of the word, catharsis, in my Literature & Psychology course in university, when we discussed the works of Freud. There is something clean about the word, catharsis, even though it looks super messy and complicated. But its meaning, is purifying.

Ineffable. It is my word because I have a hard time sometimes, in really trying to express what I think or what I feel. One word to represent the inability of words for expression. Brilliant.

I have always been attracted to the word, cerebral. I know it is strange to judge a word superficially, but it really does look like an intellectual word. I have always had an obsession with the brain (no, I am not a zombie), because it is what characterizes each person. It is each person, essentially. So such a word, to mean "of the brain," has my utmost adoration.

I am in awe of the word, sublime! It is odd, but it always gives me a fairy-tale feel whenever I read it. I think I like how the prefix, sub, normally mean below, beneath, but in this word, it is the exact opposite.

On the topic of favourite words, I have decided to include words that I like from other languages that I know.

悶 is my favourite Chinese word. It means stifled, stuffy. Because Chinese is a logographic language, you can typically split the character up into smaller components that make the word meaningful. The word, 悶, is composed of two other characters: 門 and 心. The former is the word for door, and the latter, heart. So when put together, it is a heart stuck in a door. Isn't that beautiful? It has, more than once, stood for all that I felt. So it is, arguably, my favourite Chinese word.

Another Chinese word I like is 義. There is a really personal reason why I like this word... it is because it is part of my maternal grandfather's name. It is a just word. A good word. Just as he was. I love him and by extension, I love it.

Lastly, my favourite word(s) in French. This is fairly easy, because all you had to do was look at my pen name. My favourite French word is esperer. It is the verb, "to hope." The first name of my pen name is the first-person conjugated form of the verb. It is a very pretty word, in both form and meaning. Other French words that I enjoy are: nuageux (cloudy), fenêtre (window), and merveilleux (wonderful). It is mostly because they are fun to read and they make you sound very French! Nuageux has a more personal story to it... When I was in Grade 7, there was a weather report presentation that we had to do (we were to be meteorologists and reporting on the weather like it was a news report). I wrote up most of the script and my group and I did so well that our teacher told the principal and we performed the presentation for her! And she really enjoyed it. It was quite an achievement! One of the lines I did was: "Il fait partiellement nuageux aujourd'hui." (It is partly cloudly today.) And I remember how much I enjoyed reciting that line, hence why I still remember it to this day.

Alright, thus concludes my... little... piece on my favourite words. I just suddenly felt inspired to write this for some reason. I am sure that I have been obsessed with more than the words that I wrote about, but these are the main ones that are most meaningful to me. I still cannot get over just how words are. Such beauty, such powers to evoke happiness, sadness, pain, such powers to communicate. It is the ship that carries over the thoughts and ideas and emotions of a person to another. It is something shared by everyone and comes in so many forms, all of which are beautiful and unique.

Thank you for reading!

An Apology

To the girl I have never met,

I am sorry, for any and all the pain and suffering that I have caused you. It was never my intention. You might find that hard to believe, and I do not blame you. I have realized, throughout all this, that with matters of love and of the heart, one becomes selfish.

...I pride myself on being a person that does things that will allow me to sleep at night. And I do not know how I have slept for the past couple of months. I never thought I would become a person that I dislike, but I have. Perhaps I have been this kind of person all along and you, unfortunately, had to suffer through the consequences of my discovery of it.

Do you think that if we had met in different circumstances, that we would have become friends? Even good friends? Perhaps it is silly to think in such a way, but I admit that I do wonder.

You must hate me, girl I have never met. You must think the worst of me. And I do not blame you. I hate myself too. Everyday I am in agony, over the tug-of-wars my heart goes through. I cannot say if the moments of happiness are worth it, for how can you ever gauge the worth of happiness? But in my moments of sadness and loneliness, I would say, that the happiness... is not worth it.

I am not strong enough to control myself of satiating my smallest desires. Every little bit is a reward. I am starved in the category of feeling good, about myself, about everything. And my id cries in joy, like a child who threw a tantrum, and got what it wanted anyway. Spoiled. And I am disgusted with myself.

...but I cannot stop. Where does it end? How is it possible? How do you curb an addiction you never knew you had? How can you fight against the feelings of euphoria?

Everyday is a struggle. And perhaps it is my punishment for my transgression. Even in my moments of self-pity, there is a part of me that taunts me, "You deserved it."

Everyday, I try to talk myself into letting go. I trick myself into thinking that it means nothing. And every time when the time comes, when I feel like I am strong enough to do it... I am instead, overwhelmed and I become weak and I give into my weakness. It... is really pathetic. I laugh at myself everyday... 

Maybe I am a worse person than I think myself as. I do not know anymore. But believe me, if you should ever believe anything that I say, this is it... that if I could take it back, I would.

I would.

Because you see, my mistake is that very exact moment, where I chose to let the fire spread instead of putting it out. The smoke makes me cry, dazed, drugged, but there is a certain beauty in watching it all burn. Only when the fire dies, will I see the wreckage I am in... And only then, will I realize, truly realize, what I have done.

And I apologize, from the deepest depth of my heart, if I ever had one.

I am sorry.

The Answer

They were silently waiting for their food to come when she suddenly remembered her dream.With the want of its interpretation, she asked him,

"Will you help me with this dream I had? I don't understand it at all, but I remember it so distinctly."

"Let's hear it then." His eyes on her, giving her his full attention.

"I don't remember the whole dream, just this one part. I was filling out... a form?" she began, casting her eyes down on the table as she spoke. "And one of the questions required you to write down a "long" math problem of your choosing. In my dream, I had thought of one to write down, it was like, a derivative equation of sorts... I wrote down the entire thing, the entire process, but for some reason, I didn't solve the problem, even though I knew how to solve the problem. It was so strange... What does it mean?!"

He glanced at her knowingly,

"Isn't it obvious?"

She gave him a confused look.

Steadfastly, he said,

"You know the answer, but won't face the fact that you've known all along... You've always known the answer..."

Lost Time

   "Wait." Her one word shattering the silence. "Where did it go? I... I must have lost it!"

  He inhaled sharply, having been jerked out of his mindless space staring by her sudden exclamation.

   "What? What happened?"

   "My watch! I don't know where it went! It must've fallen off my wrist!" she said, panic seeping into her voice, as she frantically searched for it on her obviously bare arm. She stood up and looked around her seat, then bending down to look at the ground.

   "Are you sure you wore it out today?" he asked calmly, so as not to provoke her already blazing fire.

   "Yes! I did! I remember checking the time before we got here! Oh, can we please, please go back to that store to ask if they have seen it?"

   He sighed.

   "Alright, let's retrace our steps and see if we can recover it."

   She jumped up and embraced him with gratitude.

   "I know that it's much easier to just buy a new one, but this watch, it means something to me. Otherwise I wouldn't let it bother me so much."

   He kissed her on the cheek, "I know, m'dear." Then patting her arm, "Well, let's get going then, shall we?"

  

  The two of them started on their task, walking slowly, their bodies bent slightly forward, looking carefully at the ground. The passersby all glanced curiously at this awkward pair, wanting to know what they were looking for. He didn't notice them, and neither did she, for they were too engaged at the quest before them that their peripheral vision seemed to have shut down.

   They gradually reached the store where she thought she had lost her watch. She looked at him with hope in her eyes.

   "Fingers crossed!"

   She strode excitedly across floor to the spot where her instincts told her the watch would be. He saw her start to kneel down, hesitate, then get back up with something shiny in her closed hands and a smile on her pretty little face. He smiled back at her as she walked towards him, a little bounce in her steps. He helped her put her watch back on.

   "I honestly don't know how it fell off in the first place. It fits so snugly on my wrist." she said softly as she watched him gently close the clasp of the watch.

   "The clasp is a little loose -- there is barely any resistance when I tried to close it." he said as-a-matter-of-factly, "I can help you fix it when we get home... Well there we go. Good as new." adjusting the watch band so its face faces upwards to the wearer.

   "Thank you..." she said as she looped her arms around his neck and kissed him. He kissed her back. "You probably think me frivolous, getting so worried over such a small, minor thing, but now that I have it back, I just feel so much better about everything!"

   He held her waist, looking deeply into those shiny eyes that he has looked into for so many years, and said, "I'm glad that you're happy."

   He then broke the gaze and looked at his own watch.

   "I presume if we head back to the restaurant now, food will be ready for us."

   She smiled and linked up with his arm.

   They walked out to the parking lot. He took out the car keys from his pant pocket, she, a step behind, fixing her lipstick. They both got in, seat belts clicking. The engine started up and they were in motion. The sound of the radio drifted nonchalantly in the moving backdrop, lazy and ready for rest as the daylight departs.

   He was humming quietly under his breath, steering the car to the winding shape of the road. Headlights from cars in the opposite lane passed in and out of sight.

   She gasped and sat up straighter in her seat.

   He gave her a quick glance, and asked, "What's wrong?"

   After a moment, she slumped back down and gave a sigh.

   "I lost it again." Disappointment evident in her eyes and in her scrunched up brows.

   "Oh." A moment of silence. "Would you like me to turn the car arou-"

   "No. It's alright." she said abruptly. "That watch has caused enough hassle for today. Perhaps it's a sign... maybe it's best to let it go."

   He didn't say anything, for he didn't know what to say that wouldn't tempt her mood. He released his right hand from the steering wheel and took a hold of hers.

   They held hands as the backdrop moved on. He sneaked her several more quick looks of concern as they sat in silence, the radio still floating around somewhere in the background. He cleared his throat, gripped her hands a little tighter, as he returned his full attention to the road.

   Many minutes and turns later, he slowed the car down to a stop and turned off the engine. They released hands to unstrap themselves from their seats. Car doors opened and they stepped out into a newly born night. A tiny clank sounded off in the cooling air.

   He walked around the front of the car to her side. She stood up straight just as he got to her. She held up something and in the leftover light, he saw her dangling her watch between her fingers, sparkling a little.

   He chuckled lightly, feeling her happiness emanating in the darkness.

   "I can't believe I spent the entire ride, the whole time, worrying and lamenting over its loss!"

*

Writer's note: I'm not normally one to write prose for I have always had more affinity for the poetic than the prosaic... but I do, at times, think of stories that I would like to write and which are better expressed/presented in prose. I have dabbled in prose before (which I may post in the near future), but I'm not always inspired to write one. But I was today. This story was inspired by a true event, haha. I've also been reading a lot of short stories lately (scary ones in particular) and enjoying them very much, and so I endeavoured to write some myself (yes, I'm hoping to write some scary ones too). I don't want to go all high-school-English-teacher on ya, but see if you can unearth the theme/motif in this story. It shouldn't be too hard, haha. :) Hope you enjoyed!