For the Lamenting, and for the Hopeful

I raise my glass
To the clouds that must surely pass
And to my past,
A flag raised half-mast

I raise my glass
To the young lass
Tucked safely away
Wherever my heart may lay

I raise my glass
To the love I amass
Saving me still,
Filling my will

I raise my glass
To life's never-ending impasse
For without it, life's a bore,
Without it, how can we strive for more?

Crazy

You, are the definition
Of insane,
To love a person,
Such as myself.

With Snowflakes and Candy Canes...

Leeloo (from The Fifth Element) vinyl figure for the funnies, Seuss-isms! book for the encouragement, and a snowflake necklace for the Snow Patrol obsession. Thank you for being so thoughtful, Rogue! You're an awesome gift giver!

Camwhoring session with the necklace is a must. I wore it to my dad's company holiday dinner. Wooo!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 

Conscious/Unconscious

Lilacs.

I had a dream that I should draw this. And so I did. I caption it: Murder or Suicide?

How She Wants to Be Remembered

With one last look,

She smiled,

And was gone.

Happy Birthday Meanie 1.5!

lovelovelovelove

Knots

Peony

Watercolour. But I had less self-control here in wanting to control the colours. *shifty eyes* Anyway, this is the second copy. The first one had pencil marks. This was all free-hand. Yay!

Haiku Thought Up Whilst Being on the Toilet

Heavily raining

Its loud presence made known by

The cold, and the gloom.

mewmewmewmew

Laziest Halloween, ever.

Self-Pity

I am scratching at a patch of skin
That I dislike, wanting to dig deep,
To see what I am made of.

I am clawing my way in,
Through the ever-growing, gaping hole
Of infected flesh and nearly-exposed bone,

Erupting the same crazed blood
That has me wounding myself
In the first place.

Words I'm Scared of Saying Out Loud

My insides are tired,
And I'm sad.

I'm doubtful of your love
Because all I want to be is a closed book,
And I wonder how you ever understood me.

My fingers are twisted and wrung,
There are nail marks on my hands,
And I'm less and less able to keep the emotions wanting to erupt,
In.

I don't like talking and the sound of my voice
Is sometimes foreign to me;
I like singing, they are other people's words;
And so the thoughts swirl and swirl in my head,
Cranking a voice box that just won't work.

Sometimes I just want to be alone.
The corner. The cocoon. The nook between pillows.
They are all enticing. Self-powered warmth. Silence. Stillness.

Gravedigger

Today is a day about loss:
The persistent dull ache of a wound
That had healed, but that never will.

My past is an unmarked grave;
Some things are meant to be left
Untouched and dead,

Lest it be an ocean of unsettled sand,
The release of rune-locked shadows,
A girl, remembering repressed memories.

I am a star waiting to explode.

Unfulfilled.
Unraveled.
Unsettled.
Unsatisfied.

Le caractère

So. This is my drawing of myself. Well. The face is mine. The flower crown and butterfly were added on. As with all drawings, the beginning was difficult. The rendering, at times hard, but pretty fun overall. The shading, cathartic.

All my favourite flowers; sunflower, laurel, dahlia, peony, jasmine, gerbera, rose, another jasmine variant, butterfly orchid. And a strand of pearl.

I Never Opened My Eyes

I had... a dream, where when I became fully conscious, there were tears pooled in the recess of my eye and laced in my eyelashes. I was weak from my heart pounding so ferociously that I could barely move my arms. I found myself breathing quickly and deeply, wanting to calm down the allegretto drumming in my chest. It took a while to soothe the frightened thing that was, as if, trying to claw its way out of the cage that was me and run off to somewhere else safe. It finally did, and I drifted off into darkness.

Fever

I'm trying to fight off
These infectious thoughts
Crawling into my mind
So I'm burning
Burning all these memories
And it's a bonfire in my heart
Where the smoke burns my eyes
And the waterworks start,
Trying to put out the fire
And wash away everything
That has me thus fevered.

Bull's Eye

Messy.

Night Time Blues

I now realize why I developed the habit of having something play in the background while I fall asleep -- I can't bear the thoughts that slowly proliferate in the silence, stealing away my mind's rest. They need to be distracted, suppressed, repressed, until I give in to unconsciousness, where I seek refuge, from the ever persisting thoughts that demand attention.

Birds

American Dreams.

Rise.

I will not house your dark love in my temple anymore

It all started here. I only knew how to love and love freely and love all. Because love was the answer. I had never known love to be bad thing until the day I learned that love could be used against you. Who had known that love above everything else, would hurt the most. These people that I had loved, were demons in disguise, perhaps envious, of how wide and full my love was. And so like poison, they corrupted and changed me. Tainted. Murdered that part of me. A possession. A tyranny. Though in retrospect, I needed to learn to not let all the wolves in. Not everyone is privileged to taste the purity of my love. Still, the poison coursed through my body and I have no control over it. Though yes, it was one lesson I needed to learn, they all haunt me. A shadow that won't leave me. A guest that has stayed way past its welcome. It hurts me. Always reminding me. It will not leave. Inducing all sorts of fears, paranoia, nightmares, splitting me in half. I'm crying and I'm laughing at how I ever came to be this way. ...These were the darkest periods of my life. It is a constant, never ending struggle, where I try to take back control. But it is difficult, for every moment of happiness attracts and arouses all the insecurities, doubts, irrationality, fears, and paranoia, making me a hard person to love. I'm always fighting myself, wondering how love ever became this way. I'm tired and I miss the simplicity. The poison still courses through my body. Infectious. But I'm still trying to fight it. Always.

Howl

And so the moon consumed the lonesome wolf.

Thanks for the suggestion, Rogue!

Serpentine

I'm enjoying this art style. Hehe

Fred

The special puppy who leaves heart-shaped paw prints wherever he goes, leaving a trail of love! Aww *squeals*

Sombre

"Cute Exterior, Dark Centre": I wanted to draw something cute. But then, anyone can draw something cute. What can I do different? ...this was the result.

"Lines": Just lines. I drew her during the power outage.

Dark Descent

Perhaps it's a horror story
Perhaps it's because of all the horror stories,
That my mind would keep doing this to itself:
Why, whenever things are happy,
When things are perfectly calm,
Shadows start to grow, scarily extending its arms
And take hold and possess my heart.
It is the sudden appearance of storm clouds,
And the slow settling of paranoia, taking root,
Making me believe in dark and cruel things.
It is the desire to pull away, to shrink up
At the sight of frightening apparitions, 
Making the withdrawal into the dark shell alluring.
It is the selfish trick of loneliness wanting a friend,
Conjuring up images and gossip,
Making its arms ever so inviting.
It is a form of insanity, self-enveloping,
The writhing and crying of a phantom pain,
Begging hallucinations to stop,
But once you start the descent,
How do you climb back up?
How do you completely weed out the dark?

Half-Lies

Why do people make such grand statements,
Only to have their actions and words
Falsify, slowly tear down, those statements?

Kids

OH HAI DERRR!

This is my fiercest pacie face.

Peachy.

Manic.

Peony.

First roses.

Always Lurking

There are still traces
of those shadows in her smile,
Something restraining her
in her movements,
A flash of sadness in her eyes
Right when she looks away,
A little rust in her voice,
Dark crescents and tired lines,
The ripples of a scream
In the ever stillness,
Unheard and unfelt,
An uneasiness
Always lurking.

Never Ending Cycle

Who did I let
Run these sad grooves
In my mind,
Where every time
An electric impulse
Is fired through my brain,
I think of all these things,
On repeat,
And it has me shaking,
Unable to shake it off.

Toujours

de papillons, II.

In other news, metallic pencil crayons are gimmicky. As is evident from above.

Trampled

My heart is a fucked up place,
Where everyone that passes by
Tries to see if their feet will fit
In the imprint already there;
They then proceed to grind their heels in,
Deep into the malleable plane, 
Why, it's my own Mann's Chinese Theatre, 
Where most of the mark are unwanted,
And the people, famous for making me
Their sad, proud display. 

Vingt-six

It's a watercolour world
All these raindrops, teardrops
On my paper
Dancing into invisible shapes.
Then you came along
With all your pretty colours,
Diffusing on my page,
Swirling and mesmerizing
Telling stories
Singing songs
Of how you have influenced me,
Strangers and lovers.
It's a watercolour world.

Penta!

I can't recall if I ever posted this, but this is my first official pentakill in a pvp game!

And then I did it again yesterday with my favourite, Akali! Hehe!

Gentlemen Acorn.

Moon Jellyfish.

Ramen Onigiri Blues.

When You're On My Mind

One thought of you
Can stop the entirety
Of the world.

Association

Listening to your song,
Always elicits
Always triggers,
Those feelings in me.

To Get Over

It's a pulling away of,
Where my bones are made of metal
Pressed against a bed made of magnet,
And every attempt I make
Is a struggle
Flesh-tearing,
Bone-shattering,
And in the tear-muddled, sweat-muddled blood,
All I'm reminded of
Are the choices I've made
And I laugh, so loud,
It shakes the silence,
But when my laughter dies down,
I am still stuck with the same thoughts,
And I wonder when I'll be able to escape,
And leave behind what is keeping me here.

Douglas

So after drawing Angelina Jolie, I decided to draw my friend, Doug. On my list of ideas to draw, I wanted to draw a person smoking. Though the picture I used of him had cigarette smoke in it, he wasn't smoking-smoking. So I might have to do another. Anyway. I had to look at his stupid face for like two days and discovered all these flaws on his stupid face. Hahaha! :P I'm just kidding... Anyway, like Angelina Jolie, Doug has very good bone structure. I think I got his nose point-on, but everything else is pretty eh. Especially his eyes. I can't do realistic eyes! The first time I finished his face, I thought I was done until I held it up and really looked at it. ...it was pretty contorted and I was like, "Fuck. Now I have to redo his entire left side." And this was the result. I still need more practice with drawing human things. This is with the smoke added-in. I ended up using charcoal for it... it's difficult because in the picture the smoke was white, but I don't want to do more shading with the rest of the picture... so yeah.

The bigger, brighter picture. I also softened the edge of the smoke...

Pencil & Paper

So now that I have a lot of free time, I've decided to start facing my fear of drawing human subjects. I chose Angelina Jolie because she has a very structured face. Very angular and standout features. It was only coincidental that I started this doodle on her birthday. And surprisingly, it only took me two days to finish! Comparing it to the reference photo though, there are many dissimilar areas, but I think this is pretty good for a first try! Even though her face is kind of lopsided. OOPS.

I think what I found most difficult is getting the angles and proportions right. And the thing I enjoyed most was shading.

This and the next three doodles came from my daily doodle book. This one kind of scares me. Because it's so dark. I originally had her with large, wide-open, petrified eyes. But then I decided to change it, to now, where she is blindfolded. This piece was inspired by the fear of everything that's written over her mouth that's keeping her from speaking her mind, from expressing herself.

I was gardening the other day and there were these beautiful succulents in the garden. And so naturally, I wanted to draw them. I sort of gave up drawing it properly some time during it and so it ended up looking like that. Otherwise it'd be more 3-D... and... plump, I guess, as succulents are.

Bleeding butterflies. This one is in accordance with my "de papillons" theme.

And this one, is my homage to Vanessa Ives, the female protagonist of this TV show called, "Penny Dreadful." I enjoy the show and I admire this particular character in it. This is her sign. I felt like I could relate to her for a while. I guess that's why I like her. Oh, and this doodle is the only one that doesn't fit the title -- I did it in charcoal. Lovely medium. Smudging it can be so fun and cathartic and messy. Just lovely.

There Will Be No Tears

There is no hatred.

Only a person,
With her mouth opened,
Her arm raised, reaching, 
Wanting to say something
To the back of another
Walking away from her,

There is no sound.

Only a person,
Standing there,
Ever so still,
Watching the shadow
Of another
Walking away from her. 

I am angry, but I do not think it's anger. Just a resignation of sorts. Only if you knew what is going on. Only if I knew how you are. Would things be easier? Would you have placed faith in time, like I had? Probably not. Because you are the braver one. The one who DOES something. And I think that is good. Thank you for everything. I hope that things will get easier. 
I am your lesson, and you are mine. ...Perhaps the truth will be easier to digest this way.

Oscar

It's been an act all my life
If you ever thought me nice,
Why, then I've played my part right.

A Mind's Warning

"Don't do it," it whispered,
"It always ends in heartbreak."

Je suis ennuie...

So I got really bored yesterday and decided to make anime/manga versions of myself. They look nothing like me, haha, but it was pretty fun. I think that's one of the things about these character generators -- they're too general. Still pretty hilarious though. ^_^

Meow!

I had the hardest time finding my eye shape...

Nope. Still not me, haha...

Six

Right now, at this very moment,
With no regard to anything at all;
No past, no future,
No circumstances, no expectations...
In the stillness and purity of this moment
I wish so badly and earnestly,
That you were right here next to me,
Holding me, holding my hand,
Making me feel safe,
Making me feel complete,
And all I want to breathe, is you.

GETAWAY!

With all the things that have been happening recently, in all aspects of my life, I needed to get out, I needed an escape. And I did, with one of my very good friends! He had suggested that we go to PNE (an amusement park) that opened for the first time this year! I haven't gone since... *thinks* Grade 8... because I had my back brace on then and couldn't go on one of the rides (it's like a paragliding ride). We had to walk for some time before we finally found the place! Just follow the screams!

This was the second ride that we went on, "The Coaster." It was my favourite ride out of them all. AND we got the first cart, fuck yeah!

Getting fake tattoos happened after we got too nauseous on the 4th amusement park ride that we went on called, "Beach Party" or something. MAN, it was HORRIBLE. We sat and laid down on the benches for like a good twenty minutes and STILL we were nauseous. Never, EVER go on that ride (it moves like a pendulum). Anyway, these were our fake tats. I got butterflies because I love them. In the colour blue because it's Pudgey's favourite colour. Doug wanted me to get mine on my face but I was like, "No! These last for like, 3 to 7 days!" And the lady airbrushing them on was like, "Let's not ruin the perfection that is already her face." Bahaha! *cough* Too kind.

We had sworn off more rides at this point because we were still recuperating from the nausea... So we went and played some games! I love my shooting games. The pictures in the top row (there's a koala in the top left one!)... I remember that game SO DAMN WELL. I played it a lot last time I was here. It's so fun. Doug was super impressed with my shooting skillz. :D Also tried the crossbow game. I almost got it! *sad face* But it was like, 5 bucks a shot, so I didn't go a second time... And the prizes were giant stuffed animals... I don't have space in my closet for another giant stuffed animal...

Doug challenged me to this game because he wanted to see who was stronger. Wrong bet, my friend. We each got three tries. The highest score I got was 86... Doug's highest score was like, 73. HAHA, SUCK IT! YOU GOT BEATEN BY A GIRL! Na na na naaaa! (Oh, can I just add that, am I ever so glad that my panties weren't showing, thank you very much. *shifty eyes*) But we both got a prize anyway. He picked out an inflatable mace, while I picked this wand. I want to write "Kenny" underneath Princess, for Princess Kenny!!! SOOO KAWAII!!! (South Park reference.) Haha!

Then Doug INSISTED *rolls eyes* that we play Mini Golf. At the second hole, he did so badly, he decided to stop keeping score, even though I did worse at the first hole. But the picture on the right begs to differ *ack-hem*... (I am the purple ball -- it shows up light blue in the picture...) And then Pudgey called and it was nice. Teeheeeee! :D

We made it a goal to go on at least 5 rides and we achieved it by going on two more kiddie rides near closing time. Hahaha... Carousel it is! I rode a bunny!!! Teehee!

Here are some random shots/scenes of the day. I had to take pictures of all butterflies! The top right photo is the first ride that we went on. I like to make myself look even uglier than I usually am... The bottom right is a structure we were playing on after the PNE closed... Oh, I didn't take a picture of the mini donuts, but those were super, duper good! (I got them when I finally got out the worst of my nausea...) We also went to the Haunted House! That was actually really fun too. The balloons popping behind us really got me. Every single goddamn time too. And there was this one time, a real person popped out to scare us and I legit closed my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs for a good, solid five seconds, lol. The thing I hate most about Haunted House attractions is that, it's so easy to get lost in there... I always feel like they're not very good at leading you through the house... I suppose that's kinda the point, but you have to progress through the rest of the house too! I screamed way too much today (most of the time, I screamed just to scream, lol, for catharsis) and now my voice is a little hoarse... *shifty eyes*

So. I got this bruise on my elbow from "The Coaster"... I guess that's one of the cons of being a petite person on an amusement park ride... You seriously get tossed around in your seat during the ride! I banged my elbow on the side of the cart because I was sliding around in my seat and there was this one time when I legit flew up and out of my seat that I was almost standing. Frightening! But thrilling!

Some time during the day, I wanted to get my face painted too, so I gots another butterfly done. It's so pretty. I was so sad when I wiped it off. Here's the first selfie that we took. But because Doug's phone's camera's kinda fucked up, it turned out like this... And I hate to say it, but Doug looks gayer than he usually does... Hahahahahaha...

Take two!

And of course, end the post with an obligatory camwhore pic. It was such a fun day! I can still feel the occasional bout of nausea, but it was still fun! We went to pho afterwards because we needed the hot soup to settle our stomachs... and that was good, even though it was super MSG-laden. And then I pulled a super derp at Columbia station, running back and forth between the two platforms because I thought that the Expo line was on another level... *shifty eyes* Good day, good day!