| It all started here. I only knew how to love and love freely and love all. Because love was the answer. I had never known love to be bad thing until the day I learned that love could be used against you. Who had known that love above everything else, would hurt the most. These people that I had loved, were demons in disguise, perhaps envious, of how wide and full my love was. And so like poison, they corrupted and changed me. Tainted. Murdered that part of me. A possession. A tyranny. Though in retrospect, I needed to learn to not let all the wolves in. Not everyone is privileged to taste the purity of my love. Still, the poison coursed through my body and I have no control over it. Though yes, it was one lesson I needed to learn, they all haunt me. A shadow that won't leave me. A guest that has stayed way past its welcome. It hurts me. Always reminding me. It will not leave. Inducing all sorts of fears, paranoia, nightmares, splitting me in half. I'm crying and I'm laughing at how I ever came to be this way. ...These were the darkest periods of my life. It is a constant, never ending struggle, where I try to take back control. But it is difficult, for every moment of happiness attracts and arouses all the insecurities, doubts, irrationality, fears, and paranoia, making me a hard person to love. I'm always fighting myself, wondering how love ever became this way. I'm tired and I miss the simplicity. The poison still courses through my body. Infectious. But I'm still trying to fight it. Always. |
