愛你好辛苦

It's always a guessing game,
What you are feeling, what you are thinking,
And every time I feel like I am strong enough
To face the truth and stand up to you,
I melt in your presence

You submerge me under water
And hold me there, kissing me,
So I'm holding on, for dear life,
Holding you so tightly
And I can't let go

It's almost a matter of life and death
And suddenly I don't know how to survive,
Or face the day, without you here,
I want to scream in happiness, in anger,
It's so difficult loving you

...and so difficult not to.

Heavy Heart

Sometimes, a heart gets heavier as time goes on, experiencing so much, holding so much, that it wears down its carrier. You can only pull your heart along for so long before you are exhausted... and you don't want to go on anymore...

Because it has been so heavy, time for something a little lighter and cuter.

Powerless

I don't know what is with me,
Doting on your everything
And I can't stop myself.
I'm just your puppet
And you taunt me by placing
A pair of scissors in front of me.

And you stuff my mouth with
A wad of your words
Silencing my objections,
I've never felt this kind of powerlessness
It makes me want to die
And I might as well be.

Does it make you happy
To see me struggle thus?
What have I ever done
To deserve this?
What is wrong with me?
Who am I supposed to be?

I don't even feel the pain anymore
Just breathlessness,
A suppression, a numbness,
And if I cried any more
There would be grooves on my cheeks
And it would be flooding over.

It's like screaming and no one can hear you
And I am so alone, so alone
I am going insane, with these two sides of me,
Schizophrenic, paranoid, bipolar,
And I'm so scared the dark side will win
I'm so scared of you, of losing you, of losing myself.

How do you do it? Such masterful skills,
Convincing me, overpowering all of me...
And I nod silently, with tears brimming my eyes,
"Yes, I'm only as good as you say I am."
"I'll do anything," I whispered pathetically,
"If you will just let me stay..."

So if you love me, please
Save me or let me go.

Death By Love

“My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover."

-- Charles Bukowski

I wanted to write an updated "About Me"...

...but it's much too long. So I'll just post it here instead. Ha! It was pretty fun to write, because I tried to write it as honestly as I can. Unabashedly.

"I am probably, the most awkward person you will ever come across. I usually mean well, except when I don't, but that's rare. I pride myself on my nicety because there's nothing wrong with being too nice. And I live by that notion. I am not the most articulate person, except when I am impassioned. I write better than I talk. I listen better than anything else. I am not the easiest person to understand, but I am not very complicated. I ruminate too much for my own good. I also care too much about what other people think of me... I think I care too much in general, which can be a burden sometimes. I am a sensitive person, but not as sensible. I am way too emotional. I want to think that I'm not superstitious, but I am, and I am slightly ashamed of it (only slightly). I often have way too many immature thoughts... which is the reason why I smirk a lot (with the occasional giggle). I'm not entirely insane. I'm very grey when it comes to choosing things. I am always middle-ground. I am a very indecisive person. I know exactly what sound I like in music, though I can't always describe it. I fall in love easily, but I love very hard. I am moved by the smallest gestures. My heart hurts when I am very, very sad. I don't like crying in front of people. When I laugh out loud, I laugh very loud. I have a much too-great affinity for butterflies. I am a Moongazer, not by trade, but by being. I like to believe that even inanimate things have feelings; we can all take a kinder approach to the world. I talk to myself more than I should. Again, I'd like to reiterate that I am not entirely insane. Sometimes I think I have an anxiety disorder. I like making things with my hands. I do a lot of introspection and reflection. I'm shy, but I'm not when I choose not to be. I love deeply, those that have touched me deeply. There are many names carved on my heart. I don't always know what to do, but I always strive to do what is right, and to make things right if I've done wrong. And I've done a lot of wrong in my two decades and a half of life... What I'm afraid of most, is becoming someone that I dislike. I also hate the feeling of coming to the end of something. I will always try to smile, which is probably why I sometimes laugh when I am utterly depressed. I fantasize a lot. I dream of the day when I am at peace with myself. I believe in romance. I love being inspired. I have a hard time letting go of things. I don't always like change. I am a sentimentalist. I like giving things names, and to give material things meaning. I don't have much aspirations, except for the very fundamental one, that I always try to be as nice, as kind, as generous as I possibly can. I hope one day to be a great poet whose words make people realize those ineffable feelings that they have felt for so long. I want to become an artist who is able to draw whatever the mind conjures up. With all that said, and everything unsaid, this is the place where I am at the most peace with myself, where I feel safest, in the words that I'm afraid to say out loud, but unafraid in writing down for strangers to read. This is my catharsis. This is me undone. This is me in pieces and being put back together. And I believe, above all... que un coeur, c'est tout que tu as besoin."

Wrong

I'm with you,
But I'm not myself
I'm split between
What I know is right
And what you make me
Believe is right.

I am shamelessly in love
But so ashamed of my thoughts
The dark love is so alluring
So tantalizing, addicting,
And I don't know what to do,
So weak and helpless

And it's too late to let go,
When the heart is involved.

So weak and helpless,
And you know what to do,
So wordlessly charming
And I can't help but smile
Whenever I see you
I am shamelessly in lust

I'm starting to believe
Whatever lies you feed me,
What I know is wrong,
I'm torn between
Walking away
And wanting even more.

Cursed

Sometimes when I am with you,
I still feel like I'm alone,
I'm holding onto thin air.

The more I think of you,
The further apart we are
So I might as well not think anymore.

It's the dizzying act
Of trying to crawl away
When you are drugged,

It's the want and desire
Overwhelming the want
And desire to let go

It's a curse,
Because you are the cause,
And the cure.

Don't Think, Just Do

“It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.”

--Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

含羞草

I want so bad, to open my heart to you           
And I want to hold you forever,
So tightly in my arms,
Because there's no better fit than us
Being together, like this.

But I'm so afraid, for
Doubt binds my hands behind my back
And clasps its hand over my mouth 
And I find myself closing up
Whenever you're near.

*

I want so bad, to open my heart to you

And I want to stay in your arms forever,

So close that I can hear your heartbeat,

Because there's nowhere better than here

Being together, like this.

But I'm so weary, for

There are circumstances and obstacles

An invisible force field between us

And I just want, just need to feel you

Whenever you're near.

A doodle a day, keeps the sadness away...

She will slay you with her eyes. The Guitar Heroine. Shredding evil for days.

This is me when I listen to Snow Patrol.

Those eyes will haunt you in your sleep...

He then closed the gap between them and held her tightly to him. He buried his face in her hair, and as if saying it to himself, he whispered, "...and I'm never letting go..."

*

I bought a blank doodle book last month because I was inspired by Mary Doodles and her daily doodles. I didn't finish my last doodle book though... and even though I don't like starting on a new book when I still have one that I can draw in, this one is much smaller and compact, so it's easier to carry around.

And I wanted to be brave.

Drawing humans and drawing with a pen. Eeps! But it's the thrill of taking that first step forward and facing your fears inspires me so and I wrote down a long list of things that I want to draw. The above four were on the list.

I guess I'll give a short explanation of how these doodles came about...

I don't know where Guitar Heroine came from. I guess it's partially inspired by Left 4 Dead because there's a guitar melee weapon that you can use in that game. ...I have a thing with drawing large, nonhuman eyes, haha. But I love how fierce and unafraid she looks.

The second one... Well, to be honest, I just wanted to draw a cute koala and a Snow Patrol snowflake, lol.

And the large eyes again. They're so creepy looking, but so mesmerizing at the same time! I love the way her hair turned out though. The black ink makes it look so glossy.

And finally the last one. I've never been an avid manga/anime fan, but I enjoy the art. Mainly because of the hair, haha. I enjoy drawing hair.
Even though I like this doodle, it's poorly done because I needed to depend upon words to express everything I wanted to. The dialogue and the caption... I just want for this doodle to be a happy one, despite the fact that the art is sad. It's romantic. I'd like to say. And though simplistic, I'd like to think reaches deep. Every time I look at it, it makes me want to cry, haha... The ardent declaration of love for someone, to utter, with such conviction, that you love someone, that you love the entirety of them, is something that will always move me in ineffable ways...

This new doodle book is also a way of encouraging myself to draw everyday and drawing things quickly. It is meant for me to spill things out without thinking too much about it or fussing too much over it... because I know I take ages with my doodles sometimes, with just how exactly I want a particular line to turn out, haha.

The Truth

The truth, is that, she loves you more than she should.
And the reasons are as tiny as the stars in the sky, and just as infinite.
It's in the way you held her. It's in the way your fingers intertwine with hers.
It's in the warmth she feels when she is with you.
It's in the words and tones used when you lightheartedly bicker with her.
It's in the air when you walk silently next to her.
It's in your eyes when you see her. It's your goofy smile. It's your glare.
It's in your playful gestures. It's in your touch.
It's in the way she smiles when she thinks about you...
She loves the way you make her feel in those moments...
And they make her happier than you will ever know.
And happiness, to her, something so fleeting nowadays,
Something so hard to come by, is why she loves you.

...But she will always be in the shadow of another.
And why her smile faded like the sunset.
This is the only struggle she feels, when she is with you.
The only reason why she holds back,
Even when she wants to give you everything.
And the reason why she tries so hard to win the little battles,
Because she knows that she will lose the war.
She can't compete, when she is always second best.

If you loved her, you would fight for her.
There wouldn't be anything keeping you apart,
Because that's how much she means to you.
That's how much her feelings mean to you,
That's how much you care for her.
You would want to, so badly, to make her happy, always.
To protect her, comfort her,
And above all, to rescue her from her past haunting,
Threatening to tear open wounds that are beginning to heal.
To keep your promise, of being the one
To help her let go of her fears,
To warm up her dying heart,
To be the reason she is whole again.

But that is the only fiction here.
And this... is the truth.

Confessional

"Forgive me..." I whispered, looking into my own eyes in the mirror, watching my lips form the words that are already in my mind, "...for I have betrayed you."

Those pupils grew and I looked into the darkness. It was gripping and alluring and welcoming. The dark, like ink, threatening to spill out of the glassy eye. I closed my eyes and saw nothing, but the same darkness. So dark. All dark. And I am enveloped.

*

The Prison

It has been the same for so long, that it feels like forever. But it hasn't been forever. I hate it here. I am disgusted by it. It makes my blood boil, but I can't leave. I can't leave. I can't leave. Because I don't know if I belong anywhere else... I can't let go. I can't let go. I can't let go.

It's a struggle everyday. I am the frayed fabric I'm trying to keep together. I want to be useful.  I want to be loved by all. I want to be accepted. Because I know how it feels to be useless, to be unloved, to not be accepted. And I don't want that. I don't want to feel that anymore.

I try so hard. My heart is open. My hands are open. And I'm blindly giving out pieces of my heart, wastefully generous, just so they would like me. I want to be good. I want to be thought of as good. ...if there's anything that I want my life to be, it's that I am known as a kind person.

But their smiles can be faked. Their words, lies.
And I've been told that no one in that world, will ever be your true friend. Everyone hides a knife up their sleeves, a malicious motive laced in their words. I'm so frightened and so disappointed and so saddened. Why... must it be this way?
But what I am afraid of most...is the possibility that I may become like them. And it is the scariest thought.

Why must we be like this...
Why do we live like this...


Demons

I want to parade through the street in the hot summer rain, naked, so I can feel the steam coming off of the pavement.
I close my eyes and lick my lips and languidly brush my hair, wet, from the perspiration pooling at the back of my neck and from the rain.
And I can feel their eyes on me. ...And I love it.
Let them feast on me, drink in all that I am.
They are circling like wolves, so hungry, and I can feel their breath on my skin. My heart races.
They trace their fingers along my skin and I shiver at their touch.
I am embraced and held, the heat from our bodies, smoking, thicker than the heat of the day.
All our limbs intertwined, like a spiderweb. We are all caught in it.

And I love it. I love the attention. I love the lust.
Give it to me.


Cocaine

I fed the tiger. And it is thrilling.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I let it out of its cage.
I never realized just how large it was. It is bigger than myself. The predatory glisten in its eyes is so intoxicating, and I am swallowed whole.

I love the danger. I love the dizziness and the smoke that swirl in my mind. I can taste it in my mouth. I can feel it tingling in my fingertips. It is the weakness in my legs. The flutter in my heart.
I am powerless against it...

I can't fight it. And people with stronger wills would have walked away. They shake their heads at me with pity and disgust in their eyes, and silently laugh at my stupidity...

I laugh loudly at my stupidity. I want to scream and break my hands against the wall. I want to rip holes in everything. I want to see blood, feel blood, taste blood. But none satiates the desire.

I can't walk away, even knowing that it's wrong, that if I don't walk away, it will kill me. My pupils dilate, and I lick my lips in hunger. I want it even more...


Masochist

I once knew a girl. A very foolish girl. Who was kind and well-loved and who had everything to be someone great... She is the wick on a candlestick. Once burned, forever burning, blackened, until her fire was blown out. And it happens again.

She fell in love with someone she shouldn't have. She chose him, out of everyone else that love her more than he, that treat her better than he. But he made her happy when she needed it most. The smallest of gestures. And she fell in love. Perhaps with an illusion, perhaps with the hope and belief that she will be saved from the continuous agony that she has felt, even when the pain was hidden. She believed in him.

But he let her down. With his grey words, and she can no longer distinguish between his truths or his lies. She doesn't know anymore...

Still, she clings on, wanting so much, for him to be the one that will help her forget, make her smiles shine real, enduring happiness, not just a fleeting moment of high... Her hands burn from grasping so tightly onto the rope that is him, and she doesn't know how much longer she can hold on... when she means nothing to him. When he makes her feel like she means nothing to him...

How much longer can she hold on before the pain overwhelms and no longer delights her?

*

Sometimes when you stare too long at something, you no longer recognize it... It's like, seeing something and seeing nothing at the same time... And I thought to myself, 

"What are you doing with your life?"