"Forgive me..." I whispered, looking into my own eyes in the mirror, watching my lips form the words that are already in my mind, "...for I have betrayed you."
Those pupils grew and I looked into the darkness. It was gripping and alluring and welcoming. The dark, like ink, threatening to spill out of the glassy eye. I closed my eyes and saw nothing, but the same darkness. So dark. All dark. And I am enveloped.
*
The Prison
It has been the same for so long, that it feels like forever. But it hasn't been forever. I hate it here. I am disgusted by it. It makes my blood boil, but I can't leave. I can't leave. I can't leave. Because I don't know if I belong anywhere else... I can't let go. I can't let go. I can't let go.
It's a struggle everyday. I am the frayed fabric I'm trying to keep together. I want to be useful. I want to be loved by all. I want to be accepted. Because I know how it feels to be useless, to be unloved, to not be accepted. And I don't want that. I don't want to feel that anymore.
I try so hard. My heart is open. My hands are open. And I'm blindly giving out pieces of my heart, wastefully generous, just so they would like me. I want to be good. I want to be thought of as good. ...if there's anything that I want my life to be, it's that I am known as a kind person.
But their smiles can be faked. Their words, lies.
And I've been told that no one in that world, will ever be your true friend. Everyone hides a knife up their sleeves, a malicious motive laced in their words. I'm so frightened and so disappointed and so saddened. Why... must it be this way?
But what I am afraid of most...is the possibility that I may become like them. And it is the scariest thought.
Why must we be like this...
Why do we live like this...
Demons
I want to parade through the street in the hot summer rain, naked, so I can feel the steam coming off of the pavement.
I close my eyes and lick my lips and languidly brush my hair, wet, from the perspiration pooling at the back of my neck and from the rain.
And I can feel their eyes on me. ...And I love it.
Let them feast on me, drink in all that I am.
They are circling like wolves, so hungry, and I can feel their breath on my skin. My heart races.
They trace their fingers along my skin and I shiver at their touch.
I am embraced and held, the heat from our bodies, smoking, thicker than the heat of the day.
All our limbs intertwined, like a spiderweb. We are all caught in it.
And I love it. I love the attention. I love the lust.
Give it to me.
Cocaine
I fed the tiger. And it is thrilling.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I let it out of its cage.
I never realized just how large it was. It is bigger than myself. The predatory glisten in its eyes is so intoxicating, and I am swallowed whole.
I love the danger. I love the dizziness and the smoke that swirl in my mind. I can taste it in my mouth. I can feel it tingling in my fingertips. It is the weakness in my legs. The flutter in my heart.
I am powerless against it...
I can't fight it. And people with stronger wills would have walked away. They shake their heads at me with pity and disgust in their eyes, and silently laugh at my stupidity...
I laugh loudly at my stupidity. I want to scream and break my hands against the wall. I want to rip holes in everything. I want to see blood, feel blood, taste blood. But none satiates the desire.
I can't walk away, even knowing that it's wrong, that if I don't walk away, it will kill me. My pupils dilate, and I lick my lips in hunger. I want it even more...
Masochist
I once knew a girl. A very foolish girl. Who was kind and well-loved and who had everything to be someone great... She is the wick on a candlestick. Once burned, forever burning, blackened, until her fire was blown out. And it happens again.
She fell in love with someone she shouldn't have. She chose him, out of everyone else that love her more than he, that treat her better than he. But he made her happy when she needed it most. The smallest of gestures. And she fell in love. Perhaps with an illusion, perhaps with the hope and belief that she will be saved from the continuous agony that she has felt, even when the pain was hidden. She believed in him.
But he let her down. With his grey words, and she can no longer distinguish between his truths or his lies. She doesn't know anymore...
Still, she clings on, wanting so much, for him to be the one that will help her forget, make her smiles shine real, enduring happiness, not just a fleeting moment of high... Her hands burn from grasping so tightly onto the rope that is him, and she doesn't know how much longer she can hold on... when she means nothing to him. When he makes her feel like she means nothing to him...
How much longer can she hold on before the pain overwhelms and no longer delights her?
*
Sometimes when you stare too long at something, you no longer recognize it... It's like, seeing something and seeing nothing at the same time... And I thought to myself,
"What are you doing with your life?"
