Poison

My hand shook as I held the pill up to my mouth
And you might as well be stabbing me in the heart
With a knife, because it is the same thing.

Every Word, Every Melody

We are all the love songs embodied.

I iz a model? huehuehue

Yesterday I went out with my friend to visit another mutual friend's fashion shop. They made me try on the clothes and take pictures, but only this one turned out well, haha.

I am a shady watch salesman. lol The other day, I discovered just how old my old watch is (the one I've had since Grade 8-ish)... It went through at least 2 strap changes... and its current straps have gotten pretty gross... So I decided it was time to grow up and get a new watch... *sniffles* I like my new watch though. Right when I saw it, I knew it was mine.I also bought a new birthday dress... I had already bought one, but when I saw this new dress, I NEEDED to get it... because... because it has butterflies on it... *shifty eyes* I love it though! And in the vein on growing up, I also bought a new pair of pants. I hate buying pants because I just do. It's too much hassle, lol. After shopping, then visiting the ship, and dropping by work to drop off work, we went to the usual meal place - Shuraku, that I'm starting to love. I had ramen this time around and it was superb. And two glasses of two shots of plum wine. I really enjoy fruity alcoholic drinks best. Tastes like juice, lol. It was a good night! Oh and also the bartender is a total eye candy. Heh heh heh. Pretty sure he was putting on a show for us while mixing drinks. Heh heh heh.

More

I love you so much.
I have never love another
The way I love you.
...and these words
Have never been this easily spoken.
And with such conviction.
There is a certain completeness
That I feel when we embrace,
There is a warmth and a happiness
Whenever you are near.
But there is always a sadness
That scares away every moment
Of happiness, of peacefulness.
A certain doubt, that such love could exist.
A fear that truths are lies,
But what I am afraid of most, is that
What I want, you can't give me,
Because what I want most,
Is you and your love,
Unmasked and willingly given to me. 

How can you be so cruel?

...I even begged you.

Love Right

How do you love
When you have felt
The depths of heartbreak?
How do you break
The clasps of doubt,
That bind you to your past?
How can you trust again
If the lies taunt you
Whenever the truth is shadowed?
How do you stand up
When your soul is battered
From wars with the other, and yourself?

From wars with the other, and myself
My soul is battered and worn,
But I must stand up.
I have got to fight the shadows,
Fight against the lies, taunting me,
I will trust the light of truth.
I will always be my past,
I am not impervious to doubt,
But it will not hold me prisoner.
And though I have nearly drowned
In my sorrows and heartbreaks,
I survived and I realized, and I believe:

I must love right.
I have the right to love.
I have the right to be loved.
For how can I not love,
When the love is right,
When love, rights.

Cigarettes, Alcohol & An Old Friend

On Pi Day, I hung out with my friend of... *thinks* nearly 10 years. Holy shit. 10. Fucking. Years. Well to be fair, we weren't really close friends the first two years, but hey. It was such a fun day, I thought I'd dedicate a post to it. I'm sure he doesn't mind, haha. And so here we are, inside of a Victoria's Secret (he said he wanted to see what it was like inside and didn't want to go in by himself (because that would be really awkward) and so used me, his very dear female friend, to gain entry... that fucker), taking a selfie after we had both gotten our haircuts (he said he saw at least two people checking me out while we were walking on the streets after it, huehuehue). I win the award for most awkward stance. As always.

I swear to God, I have never, ever, drank alcohol this early in the day... But in retrospect, it wasn't such a bad idea because the whooziness made the art-viewing more interesting. And I was all like, "Hey girlfriend, want to share a quiche?" And so we did. In place of a pie. (The truth of the matter was, I ate most of that. *shifty eyes*)

I don't want to admit it, but this is the first time I've ever been to the Vancouver Art Gallery. *shifty eyes* Anyway, this was us, outside... because he wanted to smoke before going in. Tsk tsk... I can feel my lungs dying to second hand smoke that I've been inhaling lately... *sigh* What else can I do when I want to hang with people I enjoy hanging with?!

So. Much. Stool...s. *giggles like a little girl*

Then I took some crooked pictures with the camera on my phone. And yes, you were right, friend, I really did enjoy the painting that you liked most, the one called "The Bathing Pool." (I would post it, but we weren't allowed to take pictures of it, and so this one will substitute it... It's not the same, but I like this one too, for some reason...)

Then we went to the Andy Warhol exhibit because no one would go with him. This is my favourite from it.

This may be the reason why we are friends. Even though he totally grosses me out with his view on "hygiene" (let us not forget the time when he picked up horse poo and tried to throw it at me...), I really admire his "I don't give a shit" attitude about some things. We can all learn to be more carefree...

After we ate ramen (the best I've ever eaten thus far), we walked the streets of downtown Vancouver. Singing songs out loud (well it was mostly him, but he tried to me make because, "Who cares? I'm your only audience!")... and lying in the grass and looking at the very grey-blue sky (despite knowing my germaphobia, he convinced me to do it and though I was hesitant at first, I gave into it... and it was actually quite nice and peaceful...)

I had a good day with my dear friend of many years. He taught me to be free and care less about unimportant things... and tells me, "Everything will be alright."

Love Is a Sacred Thing

I want to be able to, look back one day,
And know that, ultimately, these were good times,
That everything we have gone through,
Was worth the time and the feelings,
No matter how painful it might have been,
Or how hopeless things got. 
We were made to discover things
About one another, about ourselves through each other.
The words shouted at each other,
The fire in our anger and frustrations,
The heat in my tears, the breath in your sighs,
The love, however enduring or ephemeral,
In our embraces, whispers, and unspoken thoughts;
These... are the things, kept safe in my heart.
And no matter how the days pass, I hope that
Whenever I listen to your songs, I will smile.

Human interactions have made me complicated, and I hate it

I never saw the world, until now.

I remembered seeing the blue, cloudless sky

Where the wind carries the scent of sunshine,

The trees swaying gently to the song of birds,

It is so peaceful; its beauty, unassuming.

And when I closed my eyes,

I didn't see the darkness that haunts me now,

I saw dreams and stars and wondrous images,

That bring a calming reassurance, hope...

Both of which I lost on the journey into the world.

I will never understand the cruelty of people.

It baffles me, it frightens me, it makes me despair

Because I simply cannot justify such treatment of another

It makes me nauseous, thinking that some people

Do it for fun, for pure entertainment, for gossip.

Why is it that we cannot be ourselves with each other?

Why must it be, that we act a certain way, play a role, 

In the presences of others, why must there be a false front?

What is it about being true, being honest,

That people find so unattractive?

I am so torn, between being myself,

Putting myself at risk of being executed in public,

And belonging with the disgusting norm,

Of being pretentious and fake,

But surviving in this world.

Everything is a game, everything is a trick,

Is it really worth the effort to bring someone down?

Does it make you feel big and tall,

That you've beaten someone's trust, morale, down?

It is, simply put, a pathetic feat then.

And this world is a never-ending ball, 

Where each person craves the attention,

Each person desires to fit in, 

Of feeling that they are greater than the next,

By wearing extravagant costume masks, seas of masks.

The scariest of them all, is the mask of kindness,

Because no mask will ever hide those eyes,

The eyes of a person with malicious intent.

They are made of nightmares, scrutinizing your every move,

Always something to criticize, to judge.

And I wonder to myself,

Looking out among the people,

Faces obscured behind masks...

How hard it must be to breathe,

To smile behind such a facade...

How do they do it with such ease?

I miss the simplicity, so damn much.

Why do we guard ourselves against one another?

How has it become, that the very beings that need such companionship, 

Are the very beings that treat each other thus?

It makes me want to withdraw my love from this world

Because the very love that should bring warmth,

Also brings an immense heaviness that should not exist.

And I am numb from all the poisoned words that people speak.

I am fatigued by the upkeep of appearances I must put on,

In order to not get hurt, in order to belong.

It makes me want to run away from civilization

Into the forests of my memory, my childhood,

Where everything is as is, simple and carefree,

Where I am at peace, where I am myself.

I wish for the day when I can love without worries,

When I can put down this mask placed in my hand,

And make meaningful eye contact with another

Knowing that we are both content with being so open with each other,

That I can dance with another, with trust and conviction in my partner

To simply, be.

If I were born in earlier times, I would call this past year, my introduction into society. Being out in the world, makes me miss my shell. Because as cold as loneliness is, people can be colder. Sometimes, I am so appalled and disgusted by the way people can be. Why, why why? I will never, ever fathom how people can be so artificial. How do they live with themselves?! And to be so skillful at it! Do they not fear that they can no longer tell apart what is fake and what is real? I have faith in the goodness of people. It is slowly escaping my grasp, but I'm trying my hardest to hold onto that belief. But more and more people (moreso than not) are uncurling my fingers, weakening my hold onto my belief... It makes me sad. It scares me. It makes me want to keep my distance to everyone, because I don't want to become their next target, I don't want to pretend to like them when I don't. How can anyone reconcile such a disparity? ...Why must it be that we, humans, complicate things, unnecessarily? Is there is no fulfillment in simplicity?... Out of all of this, it becomes clearer to me, what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear, is becoming someone I dislike. Being changed by the people I am surrounded by. Is there a greater fear than becoming someone you dislike, and not realizing it until it's too late? No. It is far worse than being the victim of a person who treat relationships like games... It is worse than the realization that someone you've come to know is not whom you think it is at all. From those, you are wounded from external forces; to become someone you dislike, why, that starts on the inside... I am so frightened, because... this is no evil. Holding a cross and saying prayers don't work. This is, sad to say, human nature.