I never saw the world, until now.
I remembered seeing the blue, cloudless sky
Where the wind carries the scent of sunshine,
The trees swaying gently to the song of birds,
It is so peaceful; its beauty, unassuming.
And when I closed my eyes,
I didn't see the darkness that haunts me now,
I saw dreams and stars and wondrous images,
That bring a calming reassurance, hope...
Both of which I lost on the journey into the world.
I will never understand the cruelty of people.
It baffles me, it frightens me, it makes me despair
Because I simply cannot justify such treatment of another
It makes me nauseous, thinking that some people
Do it for fun, for pure entertainment, for gossip.
Why is it that we cannot be ourselves with each other?
Why must it be, that we act a certain way, play a role,
In the presences of others, why must there be a false front?
What is it about being true, being honest,
That people find so unattractive?
I am so torn, between being myself,
Putting myself at risk of being executed in public,
And belonging with the disgusting norm,
Of being pretentious and fake,
But surviving in this world.
Everything is a game, everything is a trick,
Is it really worth the effort to bring someone down?
Does it make you feel big and tall,
That you've beaten someone's trust, morale, down?
It is, simply put, a pathetic feat then.
And this world is a never-ending ball,
Where each person craves the attention,
Each person desires to fit in,
Of feeling that they are greater than the next,
By wearing extravagant costume masks, seas of masks.
The scariest of them all, is the mask of kindness,
Because no mask will ever hide those eyes,
The eyes of a person with malicious intent.
They are made of nightmares, scrutinizing your every move,
Always something to criticize, to judge.
And I wonder to myself,
Looking out among the people,
Faces obscured behind masks...
How hard it must be to breathe,
To smile behind such a facade...
How do they do it with such ease?
I miss the simplicity, so damn much.
Why do we guard ourselves against one another?
How has it become, that the very beings that need such companionship,
Are the very beings that treat each other thus?
It makes me want to withdraw my love from this world
Because the very love that should bring warmth,
Also brings an immense heaviness that should not exist.
And I am numb from all the poisoned words that people speak.
I am fatigued by the upkeep of appearances I must put on,
In order to not get hurt, in order to belong.
It makes me want to run away from civilization
Into the forests of my memory, my childhood,
Where everything is as is, simple and carefree,
Where I am at peace, where I am myself.
I wish for the day when I can love without worries,
When I can put down this mask placed in my hand,
And make meaningful eye contact with another
Knowing that we are both content with being so open with each other,
That I can dance with another, with trust and conviction in my partner
To simply, be.
If I were born in earlier times, I would call this past year, my introduction into society. Being out in the world, makes me miss my shell. Because as cold as loneliness is, people can be colder. Sometimes, I am so appalled and disgusted by the way people can be. Why, why why? I will never, ever fathom how people can be so artificial. How do they live with themselves?! And to be so skillful at it! Do they not fear that they can no longer tell apart what is fake and what is real? I have faith in the goodness of people. It is slowly escaping my grasp, but I'm trying my hardest to hold onto that belief. But more and more people (moreso than not) are uncurling my fingers, weakening my hold onto my belief... It makes me sad. It scares me. It makes me want to keep my distance to everyone, because I don't want to become their next target, I don't want to pretend to like them when I don't. How can anyone reconcile such a disparity? ...Why must it be that we, humans, complicate things, unnecessarily? Is there is no fulfillment in simplicity?... Out of all of this, it becomes clearer to me, what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear, is becoming someone I dislike. Being changed by the people I am surrounded by. Is there a greater fear than becoming someone you dislike, and not realizing it until it's too late? No. It is far worse than being the victim of a person who treat relationships like games... It is worse than the realization that someone you've come to know is not whom you think it is at all. From those, you are wounded from external forces; to become someone you dislike, why, that starts on the inside... I am so frightened, because... this is no evil. Holding a cross and saying prayers don't work. This is, sad to say, human nature.
