The Book of Espère Reed: 04.2013

So this is the sketch.

This is the final copy.

An updated KF doodle was long overdue, especially since Ren complained that I didn't include him in the last one and the fact that Squidy started playing KF too.

I wanted to do something different this time. So I went through my screenshots library and found a screenshot to my liking (it was me playing on suicidal difficulty on the patriarch wave on the waterworks map). I then drew everyone out by hand, and planned the layout.

...Took pictures of the doodle and commenced with the photoshopping.

I'm still no master of selection, as you can still see some white outlines around our little critter selves. I tried to amend it by using different blending options. And that was the best I could do.

This photoshop project took a whopping 53 layers. (Probably not a lot to others' standards, but it's a lot for me, lol.) It took so many layers because I had to do each perk symbol, each person's health, each person's health/armour symbol individually. So basically, each person took up 6 layers. Not counting the background, adjustments, etc.

All of our health bars correspond to the actual health that I had when I played that specific perk. (Yes, I have a lot of in-game screenshots.) And I decided to make everyone lvl 6, just because. We're all OP in my mind. ;)

Andddd, yeah. Oh yeah, I got lazy and totally just cut over t-joe's turtle with the poopbomb from the last doodle. >.> Hehehe.

And yes, t-joe, I also got lazy with your AA12. I was going to draw a dual one for you, but then I was like... no. Hehehehehehehe.

OOO Yes, I'm very happy that Jay got lazy. Hehehehehehehe.

I also contemplated on whether to add the "Your squad survived" text that always appear at the end of the game if you've beaten the patriarch. But that always sort of annoyed me because it wrecks the screenshot if we happened to pose/do something cool. For authenticity's sake though, I did add it in, and decreased its opacity.

This picture showcases a blending option called "stroke." I dunno. I kind of like it because it really alleviated the white outline and gave it an almost comic-book-like feel. But at the same time, it really separated us (even more so) from the background. So I dunno.

This version features drop shadows and the dusk effect (which I love).

I've finally caught up in the amount of posts I have on my old, no-longer-in-use blog. This is my 380th post!

This used to be a very hard, sensitive topic for me to talk about. But now that I have "recovered" from it and grown a tougher skin (I guess), it has gotten a lot easier for me to discuss and share my experience with people.

Well, let's get started then.

I first found out that there might've been something wrong with me one day when I was lunch monitoring. I was in Grade 7. I was sitting there, eating my lunch when I suddenly felt this sharp pain in my left side, in the ribcage region. I panicked and put my hand to the area and felt a bump. Fearing that I may have somehow broken a rib, or something, I called home and was dismissed from school for the day.

I remember my mom coming to school to walk me home so our neighbour can take me to the doctor's (my dad was at work). That visit to the walk-in clinic was a little fuzzy to me and I can't remember much of it. Eventually, appointments were set so I can meet with my family doctor. Many x-rays were taken. (I got commended for being such a good girl and taking good x-rays. It was my first time of many times... They had me take off my clothes and metal jewelries, and put on a flimsy gown. They then put this lead apron around my waist (because they only needed a picture of my mid-section and up) to prevent the radiation from getting to areas that weren't needed. Then, they tagged the picture so they'd know which side is which, by taping a piece of metal to the board that I was facing. When ready, the technician would tell me to hold my breath as they take an x-ray. And voila.)

In the x-rays, my family doctor saw a shadowy area at the bottom on my lungs. Worried that I might have some sort of lung infection or water in my lungs, I got referred to a specialist who then discovered that I have scoliosis. (I don't know what happened to the "shadowy area" in my lungs... They never really explained what it was. Not life-threatening though, I don't think... durr.) I think that's how it went. I was still pretty young then and these things didn't really register with me... all I knew was that something was wrong with me.

Scoliosis is a condition where there is an S- or C-shaped curve in your spine. There isn't a known cause and the prognosis is generally positive when treated. Treatments include wearing a back brace to prevent the worsening of the curvature (and it helps bring down the curve too), and if it is really bad, surgery might be performed where metal rods are inserted on either side of the spine to correct the curve. It generally happens to girls, though in rare cases, boys can be afflicted also. Criken the Youtuber, I've learned, had scoliosis. Anyway. My case wasn't too bad. I had a 30-degree, C-shaped curve in my upper back and I only had to wear a back brace. With a rigorous routine though.

I was still in Grade 7 when I had to go get my back brace fitted. By this time, I was transferred to the department-responsible-for-these-types-of-things at the Children's Hospital. More x-rays were taken and measurements were marked down before I had my fitting.

I can still remember that day fairly clearly. The guy in charge (I no longer remember his name) was specialized in making braces as such, casts, etc., and he had white hair and a white beard. They got me almost naked, save for this long, sash-like material (in the form of a tank-top) that I wore, which acts as a barrier between my skin and the plaster. It was pretty awkward for me because the guy had a young protegé and he was standing there watching me get "braced," in pretty much only my bra and panties... A spectator, if you will. ...They had me lie on this hamper-like thing. It's like a bed with four support posts, and with bands at the head and the foot of it so to dangle me in mid-air. The guy then told me what he was going to do and how it's kind of like paper maché and that it'll feel cold and wet at first and then the material will start to heat up (due to my body temperature) and mold itself to my shape. This took a while as I laid there, helplessly holding onto the bed posts to prevent myself from falling off. I was cold because I was nearly naked, then there's this guy wrapping and slapping on this material all around my mid-section, all the while with some random guy just standing there, watching... Very, very awkward indeed.

Yes, I still have it. It's sort of a... memento now.

Several weeks passed before my back brace was unveiled to me. It's like a hard casing that I had to put on and strap myself into. I was to wear it every single day and I can only take it off when I shower... I don't really remember the sensation of having something so constricting on anymore (though I imagine that I'd find it very uncomfortable now, since I've developed an aversion to having something constantly squeezing the air out of me), but I remember it being very hot... and it being difficult for me to take a full deep breath.

Not going to lie. I hated it happening to me. I thought it was unfair and I asked to the unknown, just why I was the one chosen to get this condition. Despite that though, I never really complained loudly because I was glad that I at least had it diagnosed before it worsened. On the bright side of things, it meant that I could miss school for a day when I had to go the hospital to get check-ups and see how I progressed every few months. And in the worst case scenario, if I ever get punched or even stabbed in the stomach or something, it can potentially act as a protective gear... (I think up these kind of things to cheer myself up... That's how I coped.)

I kept mentioning that I was in Grade 7 when it happened because very quickly, elementary school days were over and high school began. Not only was it a time of change, but also a time where I felt most vulnerable and alone... because my best friend at the time was moving away and I didn't have anyone to rely on... It was a tough time for me, a difficult stage to transition into. On the plus side of things, my grades got better and better and that was something that consoled me during my time of loneliness.

Grade 8 started out pretty badly, but fortunately, it got better. The worst thing about it was... Physical Education. My P.E. teacher was a total jerkface. She was super mean, had a curly mullet, and was possibly a lesbian. I hated her, to say the least. And to add to that, she was also my Social Studies teacher. -__- Super lame. I was a mediocre athlete, not that stand-out, but not horribly out-of-shape either. Keep in mind that everything that I had to do, I did with my brace on. When I had to change into and out of my gym clothes, it was super awkward because I was afraid people would stare and make fun of me... So I normally wait until most of the girls were done and change in the corner if all the stalls were taken. Even though my brace was body-hugging, you can still clearly see that there was something wrapped around me. And of course if you touched me, you would know for sure that I had something hard on beneath my clothes. Because the brace is all plastic, it can get really hot, even though it has holes in it too, to ventilate. But I had to wear a shirt/tank-top underneath, then put on the brace and my outside clothes on top. Needless to say, winters weren't that cold for me those years... haha. Anyway. P.E. was just not fun for me. I did, however, get to take it off when we had our weight room sessions. That was a slight bit of relief for me during that time... My P.E. teacher knew of my condition, but she had no sympathy. You'd think that it was her way of encouraging me... yeah, no. No. She was ridiculously mean to me and I don't even know why. Maybe she was racist. Maybe it was because I did extremely well in her Social Studies class and not so much so in her P.E. class that she thought she could pick on me.....

I didn't like to announce to people that I had scoliosis. I didn't want the sympathy nor attention. Only people closest to me knew, and only when people asked out of concern (but I'm sure they were just being nosy), did I tell them about it. So you'd imagine how furious I was when my P.E. teacher, while scolding these two girls in my P.E. class, told them of my condition and of how even though I was "disabled" (not sure if she actually used that word), that I still tried harder than they did. That really pissed me off something terrible. Because I feel like it's my business, she has no right to say it to other people, even if she's using me as an example to tell others that I am a hard worker. Oh, and she also made me cry this one time in Social Studies. But I digress.

Other than P.E., things started getting better for me as I started making new friends. Friendships that still continue on, to this day... I never really got bullied in high school and I'm glad of it and I feel lucky because I know it'd be pretty easy for me to get bullied because of my back. But there was this one time, this guy that I sort of know (he's in my brother's grade), said something mean about me because of the way I walked with my brace on. He said I walked like a chicken... ;__; It was pretty hurtful because it's not my fault that I walk like that... Okay, so, there is a little space between the top part of my brace and my back because the brace doesn't actually meet up in the front -- the front of my brace starts right below... uh, my chest. So when I walk, I naturally have this slightly backward-forward bob because there's no barrier to keep me from bending forward, if you know what I mean. Looking at the picture of my brace will probably make more sense... But yeah. Thinking positively though, that was the only mean thing anyone has ever said to me during that time. Yes, yes, I am thankful...

Oh, I totally forgot to mention. The summer before high school started, I went to P.N.E. (which is an amusement park, basically, with carnival flavours). That was a pretty depressing day because I had invited my best friend (a little while after she had moved away) to come, but her parents wouldn't let her... and I had to go by myself (well, with my brother and his friend, but we didn't hang out together that much that day)... There were a lot of rides that I wanted to go on, but couldn't because of my brace (like there was ride where you could lie on your stomach and it'd be like paragliding)... So I ended up playing a lot of random games (especially the shooting one, hehe) and wasted a bunch of money on trying to get a stuffed lion that I wanted... Yeah... And I totally had to share seats with random people (for example, with this rather creepy guy at the tea cup ride), which wasn't fun at all...

In the next couple of years, I would periodically go to the Children's Hospital to get x-rays and the padding on my brace readjusted because I was growing and the curve, improving. I also had to get some physiotherapy too, because the brace pretty much stopped my mid-section from moving as much and my back muscles need strengthening to keep the correction in place. But to be honest, I was pretty bad about doing those exercises. And my physiotherapist knew too... Oops. Lol. It's just that the positions were so comical and silly and I felt stupid when I did them... Oh oh! I just remembered this one visit to the hospital, and it was hilarious. I had changed into their gowns that they provided and then went in to get my x-ray done. But the guy there had me take off one layer of my gown (I normally put on two because I don't want to expose myself) so the picture would turn out better, but I didn't get to put it back on after I walked out of the x-ray room and back to the waiting room. So, I'm prettyyyy sure that everyone saw my panties (it's not considered mooning if you have underwear on, right?) because my gown was BACKLESS. -__- Lol.

Other than that, things went okay for me. I didn't have a problem playing my instruments (even though I think the brace did decrease my lung capacity in the long run). And occasionally I'd eat too much and the brace would cause me some discomfort that I had to ask permission to loosen up my straps, haha.

Over time, my curve did get better and by the time when I stopped growing/ my growth rate decreased dramatically (which is also the time when my brace would no longer work), my curve was reduced down to about 10-degrees. By the time I was in Grade 10, I was brace free! There is still a curve left in my spine and the bump is still there (more prominent when I lie down and when I stand in a specific stance), but I was told that it wouldn't cause me any trouble in the future.

The bump today.

From time to time, if my posture was bad, my back would bother me some, but that's my own fault. So yeah. That's the story of my back. For those that are really curious, sometimes I'd let them trace my spine and they could tell that there is still a slight curve... All in all, as much as I hated it happening to me, more good things came out of it... The brace gave me a nice figure because of how much it acted as a corset (lol, yes, something else I came up with to cheer myself up) and because of how depressed I was, that's when my poetry writing started!

Finally, a memories post that ends on a good note. :) And yes, I realize just how much sexual innuendo there is in this post. And yes, I giggled like a 13-year-old as I typed it out. Even though I didn't mean for them to sound sexual... it just... happened. Haha. x

P.S. I think the font in this post is all screwed up. Must be because I added in the e's with the accents. Grr. Either that or I'm going crazy. Probably the latter.