The First Step

The lines on my hand
The lines of this poem
I'm sorry I'm not your lifeline

The words I'm shouting out
The love my heart is shutting out
The guilt I can't keep out

My first try
My first failure
My last time

There is so much of me I'm hating
There is so many mistakes I'm making
But this is the first step I'm taking

Towards redemption
Towards the light
Towards something

And I hope you'll forgive me
And I dream that everything will be alright
As I step forward towards you

What You Say

Your words are low in nutritional value
Though they sound good
They do not nourish me as a person
And any satisfaction they offer are temporary
Now I'm wasting away, waiting to rot,
Simply because I ate up what you said.

Regression

I'm squatting on the ground
My arms around myself
Embracing me like you used to
I'm rocking gently, to and fro
Trying to calm my storm
But the rain keeps coming
And these are the things
You will never know
And I can only find comfort
And anesthetize my pain
Through regression.

Composure

I'm wringing my hands so tightly, I'm close to breaking my fingers
So I'm clenching and digging into my thighs, in hopes of holding it all in
I'm trying to suppress my tears, but they erupt like strangled gasps
And I'm shaking with the emotions I refuse to let escape
Was it wrong for me to let myself become this way?
My heart hurts, but I don't know what it means anymore
How can I say anything more when I've already said all that I can
How can we solve the problem, when we only gleam its surface
Every time I'm happy, I'm reminded that I don't deserve to be
Because I'm the criminal in your mind and not an innocent child
Because all I wanted was to be something you cherish,
And my fatal mistake was not letting you know that.

Wound Reopened

You teared off the band-aid
Before the wound has completely healed
And now I'm bleeding tears and crying blood
It's a haemophilic process,
And I don't know how to stop it.

Frightened

There's fatigue and a shadow
Amidst my happiness
And I'm treading cautiously
As my heart threaten to spill words
I no longer know if I can say out loud
Reservations and fears
I don't know how to be myself anymore

Destroyed

I was a destructive child
My curiosity too wild
Chasing butterfly dreams
A need to look underneath
I broke many things
Trying to find my own wings
And as time flew by
I learned of lies
I caged myself within
And became self-destructive.

Dark

My lips bleed where I have bitten too hard
To try to transform thoughts into words
But it's difficult since the fire in me
Withered into just a spark
And I've not enough light
To read my own mind.

Afraid

I have to find a reason to get out, otherwise I would not get out. It's easier to stay locked up inside. There's still some rationality left in me I suppose, telling me, berating me for being the way I am right now. It is in conflict with the... darker side of myself. The rope from their tug-of-war snapped, the force pushing me out.

The wind is strong and warm today. It's a bright day today. I breathe in the air and I wish that as I breathe it, I can extract those qualities and embody them. The winter's bleakness still remains and I know today's just another lie. Tomorrow, the gray clouds will come back and laugh at me for ever believing that things will get better. And I'm still cold.

I'm walking, at a much slower pace than I normally go at. There is no motivation behind my steps. My mind is catatonic, but somehow my body still moves in its own accord. Perhaps it's trying to break away from my mind. Far away from the darkness that is starting to form. Even though I am moving more slowly, I feel like I am investing more energy in each step. Each step, heavier. Each thought, more pessimistic. I'm the rain draining away through the pipes and evaporating.

The wind blows open my coat and I become uncomfortable at the act. I self-consciously tried to prevent it from exposing my clothes underneath. I am in no way indecent, but I just don't like revealing myself. I don't like revealing myself, neither with my appearance nor my heart. But there's a danger to keeping everything wrapped up so tightly. I'm bound to be engulfed one day.

I have never been so afraid in my entire life. The fear of realizing that you're worthless and everything you strive for in life is meaningless. That your time and your breaths are better lived if given to someone great, but who has already deceased. That everything you had done in your life confirms the fact that you have nothing better to offer. Your body, an empty vessel. The potential you once believed you had, now gone. How do you cope with that realization?

My glass house cracked in the storm late last night because I realized.

I broke down. My composure broke. And I cried so heavily, so endlessly, that I feel deprived of air. There wasn't enough air in the room. The tears came so quickly, blurring my vision like fogged up windows during winter. It reminded me of the time when I was young and I lost sight of my grandmother and my brother when we were out. The sheer panic, the feeling of abandonment overwhelmed me and the tears came instantly. The tears came even quicker this time, because I wasn't just physically lost-- I lost my spirit. I spoke broken words, reflecting just how broken I was.

I don't know when I started to teach myself to hold everything inside. I don't know why I told myself that I can't cry in front of others. I don't know how I can bury so much of my misery deep within without collapsing under its weight. I don't know why I thought these were the right things to do. But every once in a while, I am reminded that, it's okay to cry... that it's not a sign of weakness.

My parents tell me that you cry because you feel mistreated. I disagree. I cry because I despair. I cry because I don't know any other way to express the anguish I feel. I cry because for the moment, it's all I know how to do.

I'm weary. I'm empty. I'm hollow. They say home is where the heart is. I don't know where my heart has gone. I'm so utterly lost.

I used to believe that a person's worth is measured by the amount of people he or she is surrounded by. I no longer believe it. A person's worth is measured by the love and respect his or her friends have for the person and by the love and respect the person has for him or herself. I don't know how others love or respect me. I used to be so tortured by my own thoughts of how others thought of me (actually, I still am). But resignation washed over me. I had bought a Claddagh ring to tell myself that I love myself, to remind me that I must love myself. I stopped wearing the ring. I stopped loving myself.

I saw a child today. I looked at it with sad eyes and I wish that it would have an easier time growing up and finding itself than I did. I thought of the people I love and I wish that I am a better person than they think I am, if they ever thought so. I thought of myself and in my mind, the dreams are replaced by a dark emptiness.

Worthless

I'm starved for air
Because I'm drowning
In the tears
That I refuse to cry out,
Because I'm broken,
My world is shattered
By my realizing
That I'm worthless,
So I'm crying
Till I'm breathless
All the while wondering
If I had any worth
To start with.

Binded & Bound

My hands are shaking with the emotions I can't express
My eyes are brimming with tears that refuse to fall
My heart is half-dead with your repeated assaults
My soul is empty with your overflowing darkness.