Killer

I lay supine and I pine for you
I lay quiet in the dark room
And I touch my shadow on the wall
Cold and flat, alone
In the only light from my laptop
I touch my lips absentmindedly
And the smiles that were there
Are ghosts now
And the tears that roll down
Carry drowned memories in them
Breaking apart on fabric
And I knew from the start
That you'd cause me heartache
But my palms are still facing down
As I type, as I give you more
Than I should, like always
But I didn't mind
And I don't know why
My heart is open to you
But you tear it apart
As your paranoia cuffs my hands
And you accuse me of things
Like you've never known me
But you tell me to come to you
And I do, obediently,
And as I sob painfully into your chest
You press me into you, smothering,
Until I stop moving
And you lay me down gently,
Supine on the ground
And I'm still pining.

Mis-loved

I gave you everything
And yet you pushed me out
In front and fed me to the bullets
They ate through my heart
I looked through the holes
And saw your face.

FEEL

My entry for the writing contest at my school. I didn't win, but I'm proud of it and I've been wanting to post it for the longest time, so here it is.

Part I: Fear

Earthquit

Our feet are tickling the Earth
It laughs
The ground rumbles
And it cracks an earthy smile
So wide
It swallows the people
Whole
Trying to make the tickling go away

There is screaming
We are running
There is Death looking
Thinking it all alluring

A man with a lit cigarette
Walks over to the abyss,
Amidst the chaos,
Smokes and cell phone vibrations,
He looks down
Into the dark
Nonchalantly,
Shrugs,
Tosses his cigarette in
And walks away.

*

Lightless

When darkness
Overpowers light,
There are no colours,
Only pixels of black and white
That map out
Its silent steps
In this half of the world,
Rendering familiar things
Unfamiliar
And my eyes surrender
To its forces,
Scrutinizing and trying
To see the dark fingers
Curled around the trigger
Of the gun aiming at me
Straight in the pupil,
And I close my eyes
And wait out, wait for
The morning light,
Every night.

*

Human

I sat beneath the shower head,
The steam fogging up the room,
A street in London,
That first splash of hot water
Reminds me I am human
My pain receptors still tingling
But I turn the tap
Higher and higher still
And I relish in its impact

The hot water lost its touch
And is now warm to the touch
I turn the shower tap
Incrementally more to the left
I need the heat, it's a need
But the hotter the water gets
The colder I become
I stretch my arms out
And up to catch the water

In hopes to retain its heat
But it just kept
Flowing out of my hands
I shook my head, and turned
And piled on the dosage,
I am not desensitized,
But the tap hit the end
The water, dead cold,
And I laugh hysterically.

*Note: This poem is familiar because I extracted its inspiration from another poem I have already written.

*

Garnish

You scooped out
Bits of my heart
With a melon scooper,
Such effort,
Heart disease,
And decorated the plate
With them,
Yes, it looks lovely,
But after dinner,
They are scraped
Into the trash
And forgotten

----

Part II: Ecstasy

Grapefruit

Your love is grapefruit juice
Of the purest kind
So bitter and sweet
Pungent
Agonizingly good
And I drink it all in
And shudder,
Satisfied.

*

Pupil

We moved towards one another

Until we stood an inch apart

The close I got

The more the darkness grew

In your eyes

I looked into them

And I saw

Cumulonimbus clouds

Gathering quickly

The thunder roared

The rain stormed

And I'm consumed.

*

Skin

My fingers tread your skin softly
And you respond slightly to my touch
I bring my face closer
To see the miniscule hairs on your body
I close my eyes
And smell the day on you
The multitudes of scents
And I can relive your day

I can smell your first effort of the morning
Your scent, the one that defines you
Tangible but ambiguous

I can see the blue sky that you walked beneath,
The sunlight sprayed across the paved sidewalk
And onto you

I can taste the coffee you drank
Dark and opaque and bitter
And my mind is stimulated

I can hear the words that you spoke
The letters that are strung together
That made up the timbre and depth of your voice

I hold onto you for balance
Your still body
As I traveled through your day
Wearing your skin
I pressed my cheek on your back
And listened to your heart reverberating
I stuck out my tongue and licked your skin
And I feel I've become part of you

----

Part III: Expression

Ink

I sought out sadness
And I found it in a dark alley
Sleeping in a pile of soggy, shredded boxes
I poked at it with my umbrella
It startled awake and whimpers
The dark-circled eyes staring up at me
Watery and red
The stare sends a wave of sorrow over me
I took out my knife
It shuts its eyes
Knowing already
What was to unfold
And I thrust the blade forward

A stream of black
Flowed down towards the sewers
Diluted by the falling rain
Making swirls and odd shapes
On the uneven ground
I stood up and closed my inkpot
And replaced it in my coat
Sadness still looked at me with those eyes
And thanked me for releasing its pain
I turned and walked away
But my heart aches every time
I write because I exploit sadness
For ink in my pen

*

Schizophrenic

My compass is needleless
So I find myself peripatetic
My mind, a mess
My heart, lethargic

I walk heavily on the pavement
Wondering if my feet will wear away
A layer of concrete and leave my moment,
My trace, for others who will walk this way

I see faces that I will forget
Smiles that radiate momentary happiness
I know that I should not fret
But how can you fight Time's bleakness?

There are so many things I do not understand
The dark motivations, thoughts of people
If Time is something we cannot withstand
Why must we fight and not make love ample?

I disappear amongst a crowd
And I misplaced my existence
Everything is loud
And I crave for silence

Suddenly I feel like I am floating on water
As the words surface
I do not know what will happen later
As this is only a short preface

I hear a soft beeping sound
That I cannot identify
And I found that I am bound
To a bed that I cannot defy

There are men and women with needles in white
They stare at me like I am an artifact
They reel me in like a kite
They say I have flown too far and cracked
They looked with pity at my sight
But I know the fact
They are trying to extinguish what my mind had ignite

----

Part IV: Love

Ineffable

We all have the potential to love recklessly
Painfully, deeply, passionately, fully
The list is not exhaustive
But the way to write of love is --
I can write you a Petrarchan sonnet
Or a Shakespearean one if you prefer
But it will not be enough
And I'm tortured by love's delight
And I finally know how a true friend feels
I finally know how a mother feels
And I finally know how Astrophil feels

Love has no synonyms
Love has empathy

-

My heart aches
As I left you,
As I walked on a street
With people
I felt so alone
But the echoes of the past
Of our laughter
Kept me company
And I smiled
To myself
Not caring
What other people thought
Because I know
Their thoughts
Don't matter
Only the one
I have now
Does
And amnesia won't
Dare touch
Because even to it,
It is too precious
To erase
My smile underwent
Metamorphosis
And changed into tears
At the new thought that
New memories with you
Will be hard to create
The withheld tears
Blurring my vision
But I never saw with such clarity
Of how I truly feel about you
Of how I love you
And our friendship

-

I can't say that I've always loved my life
I've thought of selfishly throwing it away
And giving up on any future
But you are always there in the background
That reprimanded me for having such thoughts
And held me back with your loving arms

I am the clay that you carefully made
That you have molded
And held my hand and taught me how to mold
So I can turn out the way I want myself to be
And though time drives a distance between us
I know I'll always have a part of you within me

-

I sat on your lap
We are face-to-face
In complete darkness
All we can hear are
Sounds of rain
And the light sounds
Of breathing

You held me close
I can feel heartbeats
Yours or mine
I could not discern
The light of a passing car
Came through the window
Behind you
Illuminating my face
And you told me
I was beautiful
But all I could stare at,
Was you

And at that moment
I felt it in my depth
There was a
Timelessness,
Or time slowed

I didn't know

But I felt it
I felt it

Completely
Utterly
Breathlessly
And I am
Simultaneously

Sensible
And senseless,

The rise
And the fall
Of your chest,

These collisions
Of contradictions,
Somehow pieced
Together
A sincerity,
Meaning,

An eternity.

*

Finis.

The inspiration behind this piece is, as the title suggests, feelings. The poem is divided up into four sections, each corresponding to the letters that make up the word "feel", and each having one less composite poem than the previous. It ends with love. Love, being the final point, the pinnacle, is itself divided into different types of love, from platonic, to familial, and finally with romantic (with some sexual undertones). I strung it together in such a way because I feel that love is almost always, the core, the life of poems.
P.S. The actual poem has different physical structures, spacing, and organization, which cannot be translated into the blogger post, much to my unamusement. For instance, the first composite poem has gaps in between phrases to represent the crack in the earth... in case you were interested in what I meant by structure.

The Reason

My life is a print machine
And you are the type.
The world is my type
And I produce papers and pages
Of emotions, of thoughts,
Pages and pages of life.
I’m the book I’m reading
And I inhale in the words and
The sunshine poured on the page
I breathe in air and jasmine
And the trees grow in my head
Their branches extending to my fingers
And leaves are falling like words
From my fingers, through my pen
And I feel haemophilic,
I’m bleeding ink and soul.
My heart beats in my ears
A tune that changes in its rhythm
Conforming to the mood I'm enveloped in
And I just want to run and run
Until I reach a cliff, then jump and fly,
Into your dark, ardent pupils
And I’m sinking into their darkness.
I open my eyes and saw beauty,
Laughter and curves of smiles,
And I’m comforted by the strength
Standing behind fragility that
Exists everywhere.
I want capture them all in my heart
As I listen and understand,
I feel I'm everything all at once,
My love, a fountain of ink, erupting
And as I inspire, I live.

Familiar? It's my old profile description...

Chewy

It's time to leave you behind
The cutest mouse one'll ever find
I'll keep you in my mind
Your red colour I'll pine
All those times we spent combined
Would fill more than a thousand lines
And I appreciate all you've done
All the clicks and games we've won
I love you a ton,
But it's time say goodbye
Because you're about to die
To say otherwise would be a lie,
But you'll always be mine.

Eulogy for my logitech wheel mouse, Chewy, 2007-2011,
Officially retired as of Dec.09th.
My first gaming mouse ever. I'll miss it. :(
My new mouse, a Razer Deathadder, was named Chewy Jr. in its honour.

Too Close to the Heart

You took a knife that you sharpened
And stabbed me in the back,
You did this repeatedly
Until I stopped moving,
You licked the blood off
Of the cold blade warmed
By the passion that made me alive.
You dragged my corpse
On the ground carelessly,
An old rag doll that you stole,
And threw me into
The cold, dark freezer
So you can thaw me
Whenever you need
Something to hurt.

Sadness & Joy

Your heart has a hole
And it is openly inviting
Wretched monsters in,
Your heart has a hole
And it carries tears you cried
When your love shot you,
The hole swallows you whole
And I am crying for you.

Your heart has a hole
Which I made bigger
So I can crawl into it
And curl up and sleep,
So that you may find
Comfort in me,
So that I may dream
And understand you.